Self-empowerment? A self-empowerment course? I admit, I was avoiding it. Why? Well, first, all the sharing and public speaking... stage fright galore. And second, I’ve seen the previous batch that supposedly underwent self-empowerment. Didn’t seem like it worked, not for everyone at least. In just the week after they did, all the drama, all the issues, all the arguments, all the bitterness, and all the negativity they were throwing around… even more than before... it made me skeptical of this self-empowerment thing. Seriously.
But thanks to being badgered by BFF and pressured by E, I got convinced to go. But I had a disclaimer beforehand... don’t be surprised if I end up scoffing and rolling my eyes the whole time. And I swore I wouldn’t cry as others had apparently done a lot of in the previous batch. Aside from there really being nothing to cry about, E would be there, and he’d mock me. Of course, I’d gladly do the same to him as well. Hehe.
So Saturday morning, anxious and over-packed as usual, I got schoolbussed to the venue with BFF and another guy by AA, who had attended the previous empowerment session. He told us about their experience, about the sharing and how physically and emotionally draining it would be and all... and already, I was dreading it.
This self-empowerment training had been done several times in the past before, but we were only the second batch since the National AIDS/STD Prevention and Control Program (NASPCP) of the DOH took it under its wing and funded it last month. Previously, it was just a philanthropic venture by volunteers and concerned people.
Getting to the hotel in Manila that would serve as venue, only E wasn’t there yet. The rest were already taking lunch. Passing the public announcement video system at the lobby, it was funny how the sponsors of our event were spelled out explicitly. Department of Health. Research Institute for Tropical Medicine. National Center for Disease Prevention and Control. National AIDS/STD Prevention and Control Program. Okay, a few inches short of disclosure, but fine, but no big deal.
We went up to the function room, signed in, and headed down to attack the buffet. There we found some of the other participants, my eldest kiddo, Lil Jenny, and PositiveEqualsRebirth were the some of the few familiar faces there. It was natural to stick to who you knew. The others were yet to be revealed. E showed up shortly, and we all took our time savoring the buffet of spring rolls, sautéed cabbage, lemon chicken, cream puffs and chocolate brownies.
After that, the training commenced. I’ll try not to make this too much of a spoiler for future attendees of the self-empowerment training, so please bear with me. Led by Doc Rita, who is incidentally the sister of our dear Doctor D at RITM, the session began with introductions all around and a getting-to-know-you activity at the same time. And then it got serious.
Part of getting to know each other was to come from learning about each others’ pasts. And revisiting childhood days, family life, till the present, including the time each one found out he was HIV-positive, was not an easy thing for some. This early, tears were shed. But the air of support, listening and openness we had was a nice ambience to be in for something like this.
It was then that we found how balanced a group we were. Though we were all male and all poz and all RITMers, that’s where the similarities ended. From newbies, months into the HIV journey, to not-so-newbies, already years past. From gay and bi guys, to some who were on the straight road or had vowed celibacy. From those gliding in acceptance, to some still wallowing in confusion, and even one intriguing guy who had gone through years of subscribing to AIDS denialism. Amazing. I was thrilled to meet my first AIDS denialist in person.
This first part took longer than expected. What normally took 3 hours for other groups, took us a record breaking 6½ hours! So record-breaking that we obviously stressed Doc Rita out And our record-breaking streak went on into the following activities. Enhancing self-image. Finding the power in you. Taking control of one’s life. Creating a healthy balance in life. Career planning. Appreciation of others.
So again, I wonder why the self-empowerment seminar didn’t seem to work for some from the last batch. Well, looking back after going through it myself, I realize you’re not expected to leave the seminar empowered. You’re just given the tools to work towards empowerment, and left with some questions for introspection. It will be up to you and what you do with them that will determine whether you get to empowerment or not.
And then, I believe, the foundation for self-empowerment lies in such simple things as openness, self-awareness and self-evaluation. If you’re not open, or are clueless of your concerns or what negativity it is you are feeling and what causes it, then the facilitator won’t be able to give you an objective evaluation of your situation. Am I making sense?
And finally… one last hunch. You know how being with certain friends makes it sometimes harder to be honest about how you really feel? Because they might make fun of you, or they’re fair-weather friends you’re only used to having fun times with?
I also believe that the composition of the group as a whole played a part. Having friends there is nice. But if having friends there makes you too self-conscious that you’d want to hold back information about yourself, then that won’t be a good thing since you won’t be able to paint a clear picture of yourself.
Our batch was not dominated by one single group... I mean, yeah, I was close to E, BFF, and my eldest kiddo among others, but we were a mere fraction of the 16 person group. Plus, we weren’t fair-weather friends nor the types to judge each other. We actually know more than our TMI share about each other. No reputations to ruin, no pride to swallow, no shame to dread.
So there, I think that’s as much as I can reveal. Empowering? Not automatically. But you should have learned something. You should at least come out of it a better person. If you come out even worse than you were going in… more negative, more of a drama queen, more issue-laden... then something definitely went wrong... or something’s wrong with you. So nega-monsters... check yourselves.
Two days, just 6 hours of sleep, a lot of yummy food, and around eighteen hours of seminar later, it was time to go home. Met new friends. Learned new things. Left with some work to do... on myself and on the world. Empowered? I will be. Definitely.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Self-Empowerment
Thursday, May 13, 2010
The Hot Weekend
Fine, my birthday is over. But was it over when it was supposed to be? The truth is, unlike any other in previous years, my birthday this year sort of got an extension of sorts. I mean, yeah, I did have a "celebration" somehow on the day itself, but the celebrations didn't end there. It leached on into the weekend. The hot weekend. The hot birthday weekend.
For the first time ever I think, I had a day blocked off for a birthday treat. I mean back when I was still in school, my birthday didn’t count because it would always be summer vacation. When I started working, there would always be birthday leaves set aside. And for other persons in my life, there actually came a time when I’d hibernate for the whole day and just be by myself.
I know it sounds pathetic, but I’d disappear, stay unreachable, and just space out. It wasn’t that I was lonely, I just really loved being alone. Plus, the fact that I hated attention. The worst that I had done on a birthday? There was one year that I left the house early, checked into a motel for a whole day, and in a series, watched porn, jerked off, showered, slept, and repeated. Till the night crept in and I headed home. Needless to say that was one draining birthday.
This year would be different. Thanks to LuckyTrese who almost never let a day pass without asking when and where my birthday blowout would be. Fine. A blowout once every 32 years isn’t bad at all, right?
So Saturday was the day, and it was to be a pozzie day. I met with BFF at the MRT, and headed on south in the afternoon heat. We made a stopover to pick up a newbie who I was to be meeting for the first time. And from there, we headed to Mall of Asia.
One by one, people showed up. My pozzie grandkid, a couple of my pozzie kids, my pozzie parent, and pozzie bloggers LuckyTrese, E, APositivePointOfView and RecordBreaker. All generations well represented. Sounded like we were a lot but had everyone invited showed up, we may have just doubled in number. Agh.
We had dinner. Italian, because I said so. A tomato based penne, a pesto spaghetti, and a couple of pizzas, bacon cheeseburger and double anchovy. Yum. Of course some of us got their fill just eyeing all the hot boys in the resto. Shameless, shameless, shameless. But allowed. Hehe.
From there, we took a stroll back and forth down the baywalk. Not realizing that no one had any idea where we were going. Finally, our gala boys decided to head to Malate. We left E behind, who was heading out of town that same evening. I was really glad he showed up, late but nonetheless. Oh and E’s gift, a little figurine with my picture and the words “Sexy Star” on it? Priceless. E... such an a-hole. Hehehe.
With his spot quickly filled by a new negative friend standing in for his unconfirmed-pozzie friend, we were off to Malate. We were conveniently approached by a driver who offered to take all ten of us. Considering the long queue for taxis, we took it. And this driver was something. We weren’t conscious about getting all homo with him, but amazingly, he was riding along. Type ni manong si Derek Ramsay! Tarush!
Malate. A nice, cool, chill bar served as our refuge, as we made the most of the final hours before the upcoming election’s liquor ban kicked in. I just had a couple of bottles of Red Horse. Others had their own concoctions. A couple stuck with non-alcoholic drinks. And almost all quenched their thirst with more eye candy. Hot stuff. Hehehe.
I think it was before midnight that we hit a fork in the road. One group would go on partying into the wee hours, and the other would head home. I, of course, headed home. ARVs, two bottles of beer, and going way past my bedtime did it for me. Slept like a baby.
Sunday was no rest day. I had lunch with the extended family. Nope, not for my birthday, but a combination of Mother’s Day and my mom’s 60th birthday. Wow, 60. Senior citizen. She now qualifies as my dependent. I wonder if she’d be comfortable being a dependent of someone who would also technically qualify to have a disability? Hmm.
Anyhoo, again, several generations were there, from my grandmother to my cousin’s daughter. I made the most of the buffet lunch, chowing down on four platefuls of such viands as lasagna, tempura, baked potato, and sushi. Worth it, except when, at the end of the meal, a cousin asks me why I seemed so thin. After eating all that? What was I supposed to say?
The rest of the day, I declared too hot to move. Didn’t even want to go to the mall. Just stayed home and slept. Ran a few errands as the sun set. And a quick go-see with BFF in the evening. I needed to save my energy for the next day. It was, after all, going to be election day.
Woke up early the next day. I was ready, actually excited, to vote. My mom and I took the two minute walk to the polling precinct thirty minutes before it was set to open. Credit that for my being number 7 to vote. We beat all the lines, and were done in about 5 minutes. All went well, except for the more than generous amount of indelible ink I got. Indelible AND incredible. And then it was hot again.
But surprisingly, something got me to brave the heat. I got a text message at around 10:00 am, from someone saying he was horny and asking if I was free. This was an old buddy, who I’d been successfully avoiding during the time I thought I was in a relationship. Now that I was single, what was to stop me?
So in fifteen minutes, I was off on a short walk to his place. It may have been a year since I last saw him. Sat down, talked a bit, caught up, and then the clothes came off. I was almost sure I was going to enjoy with this guy, because I did every time before. It was always fun, with no inhibitions nor strings attached, and we were just such a perfect sexual match. Both the bottom and the cumeater in me were always happy. Teehee. I know, TMI.
And with a Wham! Bam! Thank you, man!, I was outta there in less than an hour. So I was bad. I was really bad. But it was good. It was really, really good. Another good drizzle to end an 8 month drought. A good, long, hot, sticky drizzle to cap off the hot weekend.
I... had... sex. Gasp. Right now, I just consider it as one of my birthday gifts to myself. Having safe fun... being carefree... giving in… for now. But at some point, I will really need to take a good look at myself and decide where I’m taking this.
Right now, I can feel the old B.I.T.C.H. creeping in. Pre-HIV. The B.I.T.C.H. who enjoyed sex a lot. The B.I.T.C.H. who could handle 6 guys in one session. The B.I.T.C.H. who had as many as three separate sessions in a day. The B.I.T.C.H. whose record was having 100 guys in the span of 4 months. I amaze even myself.
I could go back there. But do I really want to? Do I really need to? Think, think, think.
I’m not saying sex is a no-no. I’ve always said that even HIV-positives can have sex... safe sex, or course. But if I just really needed to release the sexual tension, my right hand is always on call, right? I just don’t want to find myself using sex as too much of an escape. I don’t want to catch myself playing with others’ emotions. A predator, I refuse to be. An opportunist, I am not. Pure evil, far from it. But an angel, I am not either. I still absolutely love sex.
And with that, my long, busy, hot birthday weekend came to an end. Hot. Really hot. Till next year. Maybe it’ll get... even hotter.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Vaccine Alert!
Pardon me, but having been busy with the recent passing of my aunt and godmother, I haven't really been taking the time to blog.
But I got a number of alerts this week, mostly from fellow pozzies, about news of an HIV vaccine that had been developed. And this new vaccine news, was my cue to make a comeback.
I'll be back in a bit. For now, read more about the new HIV vaccine from the Philippine Daily Inquirer. What do you think about all this?
Rest assured, I have much more to say about this... soon.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Up Yours
I think my CD4 count dropped a couple of points again.
It was Wednesday. And in a bit of an unexpected lapse in judgment, I passed the number of Baby Nathan’s Dad to someone who I assumed I did not need to ask what it was for. I was seriously thinking that maybe someone was going to send some support or something. Boy, was I wrong.
I don’t know exactly how it happened, but the next thing I knew, I was reading a text message from the Mom saying that GMA7 had contacted them, telling them they’d be picked up the following day for an interview for a television show, Emergency, and adding that they were scared and didn’t know what to do.
I confronted the person I gave the number to via instant messaging asking what happened. But initially he was virtually laughing, not seeing why they wouldn’t want to get interviewed, and apparently not understanding why I was panicking. I know I was making a huge fuss about it, but it just made more sense to me if he asked the family directly if they wanted to get interviewed, rather than give the media a direct link to the family from the get go.
Yeah, they’d get paid, and yeah, they need the money, but things aren’t about money all of the time. And not everyone is equipped to defend themselves, and it’s usually the little people like them who get exploited. That’s what I was afraid of. And I felt responsible.
So upon confirming with the family that they were not willing to get interviewed, I tasked the guy who gave the number to call the media mob off. He did, I think. So by the time I was heading home from work, I was just left with some residual irritation at how carelessly the information was handled.
Fast forward to midnight, I got a text message from the Mom, saying they had finally agreed to get interviewed. I felt it was out of my hands at that point, since they’d agreed to it themselves. I just reminded them to make sure they state their limitations clearly, and to make sure they don’t get exploited.
Thursday started off with a message from them that they were on the road already. And maybe their mobile phones were turned off or something, but I didn’t get any replies from them for the rest of the day when I checked how they were doing.
Evening came, and they said they were just waiting to be brought home and were doing okay. That was music to my ears. I was hoping this episode was over. But of course, it was not.
The Mom sent me a couple of messages this morning, giving feedback on the previous day’s events. And just as I thought, things were not handled well.
Apparently GMA7 assured them that only two people would know about the interview, the person who was doing the interview and some GMA7 staff named Joy. That apparently didn’t happen. It went so far that, aside from the interview for television they agreed to, they got dragged into a radio interview as well, something that was not part of the agreement. And though only the Mom and Baby Nathan were supposed to be part of the interview, even the Dad was pulled in. But that was nothing compared to what was next.
Apparently, GMA7’s radio host Lala Roque says Baka mahawa ako dyan, which loosely translates to I might catch what they have, to which a staff member answers, Ano yun nakakahawa ba? or What is it? Is it infectious?
Well, well, well, Miss Lala Roque, you and your staff were ignorant, unethical, irresponsible, and rude. You didn’t even have enough decency to make sure they didn’t hear you talking your crap.
You better be thankful I wasn’t the victim in all of this. I would’ve freakin’ fucked you silly just to make sure you really caught it. Or maybe not. You’re not that lucky. I wouldn’t touch you if you were the last woman on Earth. I’d just jerk off into your eye drops, you freak.
Oh, and you could’ve paid them what they at least deserved to get. Somehow, the milk, diapers, sardines, instant noodles and egg drop cookies you gave them don’t add up to what damage you caused.
Anyway, I thought I’d seen enough when Maki Pulido did Reporters’ Notebook last December. But GMA7 has managed to do it again. I’m not too excited to watch what they did this time. What exactly are we to you?! A story?! Money to be made?! A circus act?!
The sad part is that Baby Nathan and his family have now absolutely sworn off being interviewed. What a waste, since people would’ve really learned a lot about living with HIV from them.
I’m hoping this was just a unique case of exploitation, but GMA7 has really struck out at this point. We can only hope and pray that other networks and journalists have more brains, etiquette and heart than what GMA7 and its people have been demonstrating.
Who was it that said they’re proud to be Kapuso?! Ulol. Up yours.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Coming Out?
I started this blog feeling like I was, as entitled, Back in the Closet. But as I went along my HIV journey, I started seeing that things weren’t so bad. And especially since the so-called HIV advocacy groups showed me how they were Back in the Panic Room, I realized how relatively liberated I was about this HIV thing.
I think it was my effort to learn more about my condition that gave me some visibility to the road further ahead. Okay, maybe not so much as to just blurt it out to my family just yet. But it’s like I’ve become was comfortable with myself again, ready to face the world. So am I actually coming out?
Well, honestly, to some extent, I have been coming out.
Other than the doctors and medical personnel who tested me positive for HIV, my first ever attempt at disclosing my status was with Mojo, who I’ve mentioned in earlier posts. I was just weeks into being HIV positive, and we were leaning towards pursuing each other for something beyond sex at the time, and I had no reason to give for my sudden loss of interest. So I confessed. Yes, it felt like confessing, like it was a sin to have HIV. His initial reaction was irritating, because he had to ask if I was joking. That would’ve been such a bad joke, wouldn’t it? But he redeemed himself when he said, “I’m still your friend.” I had that message saved in my inbox until about a month ago, when I finally admitted to myself that we’d lost touch. I felt his sincerity when he said he’d still be a friend, but he couldn’t hide the fear, which was so bad that he hasn’t gotten tested himself, from fear of the possibility of being HIV positive. And although I still feel that his fear of HIV translated to being afraid of me, I’ve forgiven him.
Since that time and this blog, I’ve been pretty open to coming out. Of course, telling fellow pozzies doesn’t count as coming out at all. But I’ve openly given my number to some readers, given my real life Friendster account to some who wanted to put a face on me, given out my full name, especially lately with this campaign for Baby Nathan, and even gotten the chance to meet a few people who’d been reading this blog. And yes, occasions have come where a new guy would be looking to hook up, at which point I sometimes choose to tell, so he’d have time to change his mind if he wanted to.
Has it been that easy? Not at all. It’s taken a bit of courage and a lot of trust for me to be able to do such things. But then again, I always think to myself, “How can I expect them to accept me and my condition, if I am drowning in my own paranoia?”
Impressive? Not really. Because I opened up to these people as strangers. And as I always said, the less a person knew me, the easier it was to tell.
So what about the rest? Well, honestly, I’ve been too chicken to tell some of my other contacts myself. And when I say contacts, I mean... okay, sexual contacts. So I did the next best thing. I backtracked through my sexual contacts up to more than a year ago, and had a friend contact them anonymously, to advise them to get tested for HIV. The reactions varied from asking who the sender was, replying to the anonymous number that they’d just gotten tested, sending foul messages to their alleged stalker, or most commonly, assuming that they did get the message, not replying. But I felt that was as decent a warning as I could manage.
Sometimes though, especially lately, I find myself disclosing my status to some of my guys. These are guys who I’ve met before, and were interested in seeing me again. These were guys who knew what a slut I was and with whom I had chemistry, and for whom I had no valid reason to suddenly be uninterested in having sex. I can’t just hurt their feelings with lies like I didn’t enjoy our last time, or I don’t miss doing it with you. I just can’t. And so I tell.
Again, a bit of courage, and a huge benefit of the doubt. I usually start with the line “I got sick,” to which they usually reply “I hope you’re feeling better now.” At that point, I’d throw my cares in the air and drop the bomb, “I found out I have HIV.” Again, some would ask if I was joking, which pisses me off, but eventually, the reality would set in. So far, no really negative reactions. They’d say they’d be there for me, wish that I was okay, and even go as far as check every so often how I was doing. The worst, so far, just involved us losing touch all of a sudden, which isn’t surprising at all. The best? Some guys would say they’d still want to see me, and even better, would still want to have sex with me. That still throws me off guard, until now.
Do I really have to tell them? Technically, no. But let’s put it this way: Granted that these guys may just be after sex, I’d like to be in a similar frame of mind, thinking that this is just HIV. It doesn’t change who I am, but rather, it just changes the premise of meeting. Definitely, it changes my sexual limitations, and possibly, it can change their interest in me. And whether it does or doesn’t, I’m fine with it. I’m not the same as before, when I’d have as many as three sex sessions in a day, three to four days a week, every week. Sounds like a gym workout, doesn’t it? I’ve mellowed down a lot, and have been finding myself resorting to every excuse there is to get out of a sex meet, but definitely, hearing HIV seems to douse most guys’ libidos most effectively.
So the road to disclosure hasn’t been as bad as I expected. But it’s still all baby steps for me. My next milestone would be being able to come out to my sister, which honestly, right now, doesn’t seem too far away. It certainly helps to have a full understanding of my condition, so helping others understand me and HIV won’t be too hard. But again, baby steps, baby steps. For now, I'm still Back in the Closet. Hopefully, someday, sometime and someway, I’ll be able to come out to the world, and with them realize that... my deepest, darkest secret is really no big deal.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
What About Me?!
The past few posts have all been about Baby Nathan. Baby Nathan, Baby Nathan, Baby Nathan. It’s all been about Baby Nathan.
What about me? I have HIV too, you know? How have I been doing? This is my blog, remember?
Okay, since you asked, I’ll tell you. It’s been seven months since I found out I’m HIV positive. I’ve been on anti-retrovirals or ARVs for the past three months. And I’m doing pretty good.
My weight is steady at around 140 pounds. No other allergic reactions to my ARVs. I’m due for another Quantitative RPR test in December, to make sure my Syphilis has gone or is going away.
My last test results came out a month ago, which was a Hepatitis B viral load count. I didn’t know what to think when I saw the result was over 100,000 units per milliliter. I was just relieved it was far from the maximum detectable level, which was in the hundreds of millions of units per milliliter. And showing it to the doctor at the RITM, she kept me for under a minute, pointing out it was just a baseline count to begin with. She reassured me that two of my three ARVs were acting against the Hepa B virus as well, which I knew already from doing research. She told me I’d need to redo the test six months after, in March, which I’m not exactly looking forward to, because it cost me over PhP 5,000.00. But considering all the other freebies I’m getting, it’s not that bad. I just need to start saving up for it little by little.
I had a bad cold again a couple of weeks ago. No thanks to my mom, who doesn’t have enough etiquette to cover her mouth when she coughs, nor to my boss, who just won’t take a break from work to get well no matter how bad her flu, nor to my selfish colleague at work, who would rather have everyone else freeze to death from the air-conditioning than turn an electric fan her way, just to douse her hot flashes and cool her menopausal vajayjay. Geesh. Fortunately I’ve recovered without having to medicate further. I did notice though, that whenever I get sick like that, it manifests further in the form of breakouts on my face. How bad is it? Let’s just say a colleague of mine wanted to play connect-the-dots on my face. Argh.
All this ranting might just take its toll on my CD4 Count, so you know what... I should get back to talking about Baby Nathan instead. Here’s the latest update.
Another donor sent a bit of money for the medicines and supplies of the baby. I was meaning to go sometime this weekend, so I called Ate yesterday to find out what exactly he needed. She said the baby was doing fine, and fortunately, so much help has been pouring in directly, that the baby still had enough of everything he needed. So she told me to hold on to the money in the meantime, and that she’d send me a text message if some sort of a need for it came up. She did mention that the mom has started working somewhere, and was already able to support the family’s needs when it came to food. Still no final word on when exactly they’re gonna get discharged.
So there, let’s end this on a positive note, and leave it at that. Thanks for letting me rant. Hahaha, like you have a choice. Let’s just all enjoy what’s left of the weekend. Ciao!
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Christmas Campaign
A quick update on Baby Nathan. I just talked to Ate over the phone this afternoon to check on him. Other than the fact that he had a fever, which I’m hoping isn’t due to allergic reactions to the ARVs, Ate says he’s doing fine. She says Baby Nathan is starting to gain weight, and says it’s definitely showing on his face. I flash back to the pictures of chubby cheeks posted above the bed at the hospital, and I just wanna cheer him on towards that.
I asked Ate what Baby Nathan needs right now, and aside from the Alactagrow milk and the diapers, she mentioned that he was put on some vitamins. She asked that I hold for a while, as she contacted the ward to ask what particular vitamins he was on. Coming back, she said the baby was put on a regimen of Heraclene. It sounded like some mythical detergent.
I did some research on the Mercury Drug site, and found out that Heraclene is actually an appetite stimulant, usually given to treat premature babies, as well as low birth weights, retarded growths, and poor appetites in infants, children & even adults. Hmm, this might just be what can help me gain weight, too.
I placed a call to one of the Mercury Drug branches, and inquired about the price. It costs PhP 16.10 per capsule, which translates to PhP 16.10 per day, if he’s on a once a day dosage.
So there. I do have plans of going back to the RITM this weekend with another generous friend to bring more stuff for Baby Nathan and Steve, so I should have more updates following that.
They still both need our help, so keep those prayers coming. I heard too from Ate that help has been pouring in from faceless names and nameless faces, and she herself is overwhelmed. I’m sure Steve and Baby Nathan would love to, so on their behalf, I say thank you, thank you and thank you.
Sunday, November 09, 2008
Early Christmas
It’s Saturday. A rest day. But surprisingly, I did everything but rest. This day left me with feet sore from walking all day, and poorer than when I got out of bed this morning. What the hell happened?
E had sent me a text message midweek, asking if I had some extra dough on me, because someone at the RITM needed help. I’m really not the type to give alms to beggars, but this case was so different. It just had me reaching for whatever I had. And I hope it does the same to you too.
E’s message was practically begging me to help. He needed milk and diapers. Milk and diapers? I was half wishing this was one of E’s little attempts at pulling my leg, but I scrolled to the end of the message not finding the punchline.
So here’s the deal, there’s a one-year old kid confined at the RITM who’s been HIV positive since birth. I know, even to me it’s unreal. But it’s the harsh reality. Having HIV was one thing, but apparently, after being ravaged by bouts of infection and diarrhea, the baby was, as E described, reduced to skin and bones. I couldn’t imagine how bad it was until I saw the kid myself. E had visited the kid before, bringing some diapers, milk and other supplies they needed, that admittedly weren’t enough.
So I forewent my Saturday restday to meet E at Festival Mall. Okay, I won’t even mention that he was late, as usual. That’s besides the point. I had peeped at the prices earlier today while I was at the grocery with my mom and fortunately, my so-called cellphone fund would be enough for now. I was just trying to save up for a cheap phone, so it was really just a small fund. At Save More, it was just enough to buy two big boxes of Alactagrow, and a pack-of-54 of EQ Dry diapers. Alactagrow was the RITM doctor’s brand of choice, because the goal was to fatten the kid back up, while EQ Dry was the cheapest brand there was, so the money could go further.
From there we headed towards the RITM on foot. It would be my first time up on the second floor where the patients’ rooms were. We were welcomed by the nurse, who ushered us into the room of the baby. And there he was, all skin and bones of him, just like E described, on his dad’s lap. It was heart-wrenching. Ever see pictures of Somalian kids ravaged by malnutrition? That should give you an idea.
We greeted them, as the kid’s dad welcomed us with a smile. This person had his helpless child in his hands. This person had not yet eaten, because they had nothing to eat. So that smile just broke the ice for me. It was refreshing to see he was happy despite what little they had. It was uplifting that he was being strong for his kid.
I put the presents down by the side of the bed, while E introduced me and started chatting up with the dad. I was looking around, the small room had the bed placed against one wall, a sink against another, a small bathroom, and a door leading out to a balcony. I thought it was decent enough, compared to having to share a common ward with other patients. On the wall above the bed, I saw some pictures of an adorable healthy baby boy, only to realize this was what the kid looked like months ago. It was heartbreaking to be able to compare that with the condition he was in now.
Apparently, the kid’s health, still grim as I saw, was improving. This child, at a year old, is already on ARVs, Lamivudine, Nevirapine and Zidovudine, the same ones I started out with, but in liquid form. Imagine that? He was now already able to move his arms a bit, and even able to stick his tongue out at E, which, as his dad said, was the child’s attempt at playing with us. Obviously, this child wants to live. Let’s help him live.
And so, E and I are begging for your help. Let’s all help this kid live. The big box of Alactagrow, which lasts the kid 3 days, costs around P 360.00. The smaller box of Alactagrow, which lasts a day and a half, costs around P 190.00. The pack-of-54 of medium-sized EQ Dry diapers costs around P320.00. The pack-of-84 costs around P 560.00. Although whatever help you can give will be much appreciated, we think it would be better if we do not give cash.
Another HIV positive guy confined at the RITM needs some help too, in the form of food and toiletries. He was confined with nothing but the clothes on his back, has no family to care for him there, and is suffering from so many different infections. I don't know the full story, and we couldn't see the guy because he was in isolation, so you can read more about him in E's blog entry.
You can get in touch with me or E via e-mail. My e-mail address is pinoycumeater@yahoo.com (yeah, yeah, I saw your jaw just drop...), while E can be contacted through echronicles@gmail.com or through his blog, Chronicles of E. You can also contact the office of Dra. Ditangco at the RITM through 807-2628 and ask how you can help, and course your donations through them.
Thanks everyone. Just think of this as an early Christmas gift. Christmas is for the kids, right? I really need to go to sleep now, because I’m just fighting through the dizziness of the ARVs. Thanks again in advance.
Thursday, November 06, 2008
License to Drama
Since being immersed in the world of HIV more than six months ago, I’ve been lucky enough to be given little chances to try my hand at counseling – talking with others who are dealing with HIV. Some who are about to get tested, some who are waiting for results, some who’ve just tested positive, some who’ve just tested negative, some who are concerned about medications, and some who have been living with HIV. I can’t say I’ve seen it all, but I’ve seen a lot. And I think it’s dealing with the emotions which is the toughest thing.
I’ve said before how the HIV bomb being dropped on you can be a really daunting thing. It is, it is. But does it give you all the right to be a bottomless supply of depression and negativity? Is HIV a license to drama?
Well, let’s be realistic. To some extent, it is. A string of days crying, feeling lost, not knowing what to do, worrying about how it will affect the rest of your life, being angry, wallowing in paranoia… all common things. Sometimes they come in phases, one after the other, but if you have it really bad, they hit you with one big blow. Again, common, but I repeat, only to some extent.
So when does it become too much? I think you just gotta listen to yourself. If you’re in the dark about HIV, then do something about it. Read up. If you’re worrying about how it will affect the rest of your life, go to a fortune teller. How your life goes will actually be all up to you. If you’re angry because someone infected you, then go ahead and point your finger. It took two to tango, didn’t it? If you’re paranoid, get over yourself. The world doesn’t revolve around you.
Sound harsh? Well, that’s usually what it takes to snap you back into reality. You need to get over all the negativity. It’s all just going to cause you suffering, which is totally unhealthy and unnecessary. You need to get it all out of your system and realize that it’s not the end of the world. Life goes on. And open your eyes and see that so many people are willing to help you through this new phase of your life.
How bad can it all get? I think the worst would be someone who tests positive for HIV and is unwilling to get the help needed and has lost the desire to live. Someone who thinks "I wanna die! I wanna die! I wanna die!" Who isn’t going to die? We’ll all get there eventually, with or without HIV. For this person, some higher being might appear before him and say, "Your wish is my command." Zap. The End. To state the irony, this person might actually die just waiting for his death, which is a sad life.
A close second may be someone who is about to get tested and can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t stop worrying, or worse, can’t stop crying about it. It’s taxing to have to point out that they haven’t actually tested positive yet. Suck it up! Take responsibility! You wouldn’t need this test if you didn’t take the risk, would you? And if I was caught on a particularly bitchy day, be prepared. You’re getting tested for HIV. I already have HIV. Wanna trade places?
I know, I can be tough sometimes. But sometimes, that’s what it takes. The world is even lucky that I’m not the confrontational type, and am content with merely letting thoughts like this brew in my twisted mind, or go no further than my fingers doing the walking.
But nonetheless, the reality is that HIV should no longer be regarded as a terminal illness or a killer disease. HIV is still a big deal. But it can be dealt with. We can still work. We can still love. We can still laugh. We can still live.
Your license is hereby revoked. So go on, quit the drama, and live.
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Opposites Attract
Okay, before you think this is anything about sex or dating, stop. No malice, no hard-ons, no orgasms. This is way better!!!
I had taken a leave from work, because November 4th was a big day. Huge! We attended our first meeting yesterday with the rest of the Positivism team in Makati. These were the negative people who were, uhm, thinking positive. These are the people who have been furthering our cause. It was bound to be a wonderful day.
It was E, our resident counselor and I, who represented the poz side of the team. On the ride to their office, at first we were being told by our big boss not to feel awkward around the other people there. I had sedated the loner in me a bit since the night before, and was instead concerned that they would feel awkward around us. There’s only one way to find out, isn’t there?
So we trekked into the office, and sat ourselves down around the conference table. It was quiet, other than the three of us who were chatting the wait away. Okay, it wasn’t quiet-boring, but rather quiet-tranquil. It was comfortable.
It wasn’t long before the observer in me got into gear. Looking around, all I saw were a bunch of guys and gals, faces buried into their computers, all hard at work. I glanced at a board of what seemed to be a rundown of tasks of each person, and man, was it a work load. Noticeably though, the Positivism project wasn’t even on the board, so these people would be working on Positivism in addition to their usual tasks. Amazing.
Shortly after, our big boss came around and called everyone on the team to take a seat at the table. One after the other, seat after seat was taken, and additional chairs even had to be rolled up to the table. At the end of it all, only two people were left at their workstations. I was stunned. All these people are working on this project?! Speechless.
So the meeting ensued, and the ice was broken by our resident counselor, who shared a smidget of her long life living with HIV. Everyone was listening intently, but weren’t exactly wide-eyed or open-mouthed. They understood. I think it just put everyone into the proper perspective as to why this cause was so important. Trust me, tears were shed.
At the end of it all, it was their turn to churn out the ideas they had for the project. And churn out they did. They pitched to us a presentation to promote Positivism, just to see if we had any more input. We were supposed to be the experts on the subject, of course. It must’ve been like designing a terno for Imelda Marcos. Nerve-wracking for them.
But... to say that we approved was an understatement. It was like they knew exactly what we were fighting for, like they knew exactly how we were feeling, like they were reading our minds, like they were taking the words like out of our mouths... and that's a good thing. And taking words out of our mouths isn’t exactly an easy thing to do, mind you.
It was all absolutely amazing. I even reached the point of thinking the only explanation for their knowing us too well was... gasp... they were all HIV positive as well! Okay, so much for my powers of logic. They just really understood the advocacy. Pardon my moments of craziness. Hahaha.
Who knew I’d ever meet anyone who was HIV positive, let alone be one? And who knew I’d end up working so closely and comfortably with others who weren’t? Heaven knows.
So to sum the day up, it was us positives, working with negatives – and working well together at that. We’ve proved that over and above being HIV positive or negative, we are no different. We are all human. And that’s living the exact essence of Positivism.
See, in humans, just like magnets, opposite poles can and do attract... and not to mention bash heads well together. Positivism is green and go!
Saturday, November 01, 2008
Positivism
I’ve teased you a bit in a previous post about it. It had me talking to God and saying Thank You for so many things. It left me excited and inspired. And now, finally, finally, finally, I get to tell you what it’s all about.
When I first found out I was HIV positive, I headed immediately to the net. I knew about HIV even back in high school, but I realized knowing about it was one thing, understanding it was a whole different story. So I got online, trying to find someone, anyone, who had shared his or her story on being HIV positive here in the Philippines. I never knew anyone who was HIV positive. So I searched. But other than some news articles, research papers, and statistics, I came up empty handed.
I felt I was left in the dark, clueless about the road ahead, if there was any. Fortunately, I left myself open to the experience, overcoming the fear of not knowing what lies ahead. And trust me, that’s a big thing for me. I hate surprises. I hate not knowing.
So I wondered. How many others out there wanted or needed to know how it was to be HIV positive in the Philippines? And so, Back In The Closet was born. It started out as an outlet for me, but became a chance for others to learn about HIV in the Philippines. And people do want to know. The HIV positive, the HIV negative, the guys, the gals, the straight, the gay, and even some from overseas were contacting me and thanking me for sharing my journey. At that point, this became my advocacy. Awareness.
Not everyone was pleased with my decision. Some of the pusits were disgusted that I was giving out all this information, treating it like a breach of their privacy. Even the so-called HIV advocacy groups here were in on it. If I was Back In The Closet, they were In The Panic Room. It was sad. No wonder there is so much stigma attached to HIV. The stigma is fueled by the lack of understanding. And how can we expect to be understood, if we don’t share our story?
At first, I felt I was facing the challenge alone. Little did I know, that there was a small group being formed, ready to fight my same battle. And due to some unexpected but fortunate incidents, this very blog brought me to Positivism.
Positivism is an e-magazine – a website about HIV and being HIV positive in the Philippines. Yes, there will be articles on the basics of HIV, but rather than being encyclopedic, it will be a lighter presentation of the facts, to make it easy for anyone, especially the HIV negative and new pozzies, to understand.
These basics will actually take a backseat to the main features, which will be stories about living with HIV – both being infected and affected by HIV. We aim to show that the HIV-positive person is not just someone suffering or bedridden. We want the Philippines to realize that HIV-positive people can continue working, laughing, loving, and living.
I think that’s what makes Positivism different from the other HIV advocacy groups. We don’t just cater to the HIV positive. We aim to help all of the Philippines, and the world, open its eyes to HIV, so they can understand it... and us... better.
Positivism is a project of an advertising and visual design big boss, who is the brain, and not to mention the heart, behind Positivism. He has put his company’s resources into this advocacy, and opened his doors to us, the HIV positive. So yes, we have writers, editors, art directors, photographers, designers, marketing people and every expert there is, working on this project. And yes, it is a collaboration between the HIV positive and the HIV negative. The perfect combination.
Now you know what I’ve been so excited about, and what’s been fuelling my passion lately. We’ve been working hard at meeting our deadlines, and hope to launch in time for World AIDS Day, December 1st.
Fellow blogger Chronicles of E, who was also getting the flack for his advocacy, is in on this, too. We’ll be updating you more about it in the coming weeks.
Watch out for the new brand of HIV advocacy. Stir awareness. Eradicate stigma. Promote POSITIVISM.
Friday, October 31, 2008
The Good Catch
Since finding out that I’m HIV positive more than six months ago, I’ve been able to meet so many pozzies. It’s true that we come in all sizes and shapes, but most if not all, are presentable, personable and attractive. Add to that the fact that I’ve met so many who are happily in relationships, so much so that it leaves me wondering whether, and worried to some point that, I won’t be single for long.
So I dare ask. Is having HIV directly proportional to apparent relationship potential? Does being poz have anything to do with hotness? Is it just me, or is the Pozzie a good catch?
Don’t count on anything scientifically proven, okay? I know this will sound like I’m blowing my own horn, or whatever else there is on me to be blown, but just have fun and hear me out.
HIV is primarily sexually transmitted. So unless the pozzie got it from infected needles (a likely story...), a blood transfusion (a possibility...), or from birth or breast feeding (yeah, right...), he or she is definitely getting some action. And let’s face it, getting some action means you are, on some level, sexually attractive.
Multiply that by the amount of action he or she gets. The more action, the greater the risk. The greater the risk, the more likely for one to catch the virus. And the more action he or she had been getting, the greater the chance he or she is God’s gift to man, woman or whatever-kind.
Ok, so maybe Pozzie-ness has some relation to hotness, but of course not everything is about the physical, right? So how do Pozzies rate on the personality scale?
Having the HIV bomb being dropped on someone is a daunting thing. Trust me, I know. And as we all know, people handle changes in their lives in different ways. Though for me there wasn’t really much negativity, the truth is, it’s very common for one to feel depressed, angry, paranoid, lost, or numb. But I think all that, though normal, is just a phase. Eventually, I think once we’ve gotten all the drama out of us, we end up being stronger, more emotionally stable, more mature, and more appreciative of the little blessings that life presents us.
Strong? Emotionally stable? Mature? Appreciative? Aren’t those exactly the adjectives that everyone would want to describe their relationships with?
What about other aspects? If we’ve been able to tell you that we are HIV positive, then the communication routes should be no problem. If we can tell you that, we can probably tell you anything. It’s also probable, we’ve learned our lesson, and won’t go around looking to hanky and panky with anything and everything that moves. Also highly likely is that we will love you even more for accepting us for who we are, despite what we have.
So there, I’ve presented my case. Of course, the success of a relationship will depend further on chemistry, timing, and fate. And neither does this mean everyone should go out and catch the virus, just to prove they’re a good catch. I’m just trying to point out, that there is so much more about us Pozzies, over and above the virus.
So for everyone in the world, consider finding yourself a Pozzie. If not for a relationship, a friendship at least. I think we do that well, too.
Oh, and by the way, I’m single... and available. Oops... hehehe.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Kuya (Big Brother)
Having worked extra over the weekend, I had a day and a half worth of vacation that I could offset with a workday. So in the midst of an agreement with E, who is part of the Positivism.ph team, we agreed to head for the RITM yesterday, Tuesday. More on Positivism.ph in a later post.
My personal agenda at the RITM would be to get a med reload. I only had enough medicines to last me till tonight, so one way or another I was bound to go. But my main purpose would be to just hang around with E and the resident counselor, who is also part of the Positivism.ph team.
So hang around I did. I helped out with some paperwork – literally – no typing or writing or thinking. Just collating and stapling. Mmm, repetitive work, gotta love it. Lunch with the counselor was great, too. I tried hard to keep up with her appetite. Hehehe.
E sent me a message that a friend of his was coming in. He asked me to talk to him, because he wasn’t feeling well. Me? Why me? Was this counseling? Yikes. The shy guy in me was trying to file an appeal. Ok, ok, let’s see what we can do.
Once I figured out which one he was, I took the counselor’s seat, and E's friend took a seat in front “my” desk. It turns out he was experiencing fevers after being on Nevirapine for about a week. Well, well, I knew exactly how that went, so that gave me a bit of confidence. I found myself opening up, and putting him at ease that what he was going through was a normal part of the process.
Hey, I actually thought I was good at that! A second guy actually came in having the same complaints, so again, I shared my story. It felt good being able to help in my own little way. Very kuya-like of me.
Later I received news that T was coming, with three new recruits. T is an old friend. An old friend who I was going to meet for the first time. So he would be an old-new friend. Confused? You see we’d been chatting online for more than five years now, if I’m not mistaken. There were plans to meet which never pushed through, but we never lost touch. Until finally, we discovered each other again, in the poz world this time.
So finally, finally, finally, we met. The only thing was, he didn’t realize it was me. I thought maybe it was too much for me to expect us to be instantly chummy, so I didn’t pursue it, and just stuck by E, who kept exchanging jokes, quips and the occasional elbow with me. T’s three new recruits had gone through their paces with the doctor, and he invited us all for dinner at nearby Festival Mall, still oblivious of who I was exactly.
We headed to the mall, but let the newbies take the car. E, his friend and I trekked on foot, since we couldn’t all fit. Getting there, we had dinner, where I showed off my new found appetite. We were almost through with dinner before T finally figured out who I was, which was what broke the ice for us. He’s been reading this blog regularly, so he knows what things I’ve been going through. He probably sees me as a willing guinea pig for the poz journey.
I wasn’t the kuya or big brother of the group age-wise, but when it came to the HIV journey, my mere six-months already made me the kuya of kuyas. So on the trip home, T encouraged his new recruits to bombard me with all the questions they had, which really weren’t much. I think it was enough for them to see that T, E and I were smiling, laughing, and living... enough to see that we were normal... enough to assure them that they, too, would be okay.
I was the last to get off at Guadalupe, before which T thanked me for having this blog and sharing my experiences. T is to be thanked, too, for the work that he does with these kids. I’ve never been a kuya in my life. But regardless of whether it made me feel old, I realized last night, it felt swell to be a kuya.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Remote Control
I got the chance to hang out again this weekend, this time with a group of my fellow pozzies. It was funny to observe how liberating it must’ve been for everyone to be able to talk openly about poz stuff, being in the privacy of a poz-friendly household.
We talked about everything from our diagnoses, poz histories, medications, side effects, experiences, and love lives. But there was one particular topic which caused sweat to form on my brow. Sex.
I’ve never claimed to be clean, innocent, or angelic – not even vanilla – when it comes to sex. Threesomes, orgies, all the way sex sessions… I can say that I’ve been there and done that. I may just have done everything imaginable, and classify under extreme kink. That was then. But now it’s a different story. HIV made it a different story.
But why can’t I go back to it? Technically, I could, right? Yes. Technically I could, under the premise that I’d play it safe this time, everytime. So, why haven’t I?
I realize, it’s a matter of control. Ever since, I’ve always been a bottom. Submissive. Passive. I practically never made the first move. I needed to be controlled. I needed to be dominated. I aimed to please a master. And please I did.
I was, and still am, the type who goes all the way. Whatever the master wanted I would give. And that’s what guys liked about me, I guess. I almost never said no. If they wanted to do me bareback, fine. If they wanted me to swallow, I would. If they wanted to see me get gang banged, I just tell them to form a line. If they’d make me take a double, I had no reason not to.
It was all about control. I needed to give up control to whoever I was with. Apparently guys like that.
So at this poz time of my life, I can no longer go back to the guys, or the games, I used to have fun with. These are guys who know I would give everything. I can no longer give everything. I could no longer give up all control. I now need to be in control.
For now, I will probably opt for a guy who knew I was poz, or was hell-bent on using protection. That’s as much as I can control. Because honestly, if temptation arises, I can’t be 100% sure that I’d resist the temptation to go all the way. The urge to please without question still whispers in my ear. I just might forget to use protection. I might just lose control of the situation.
So do I ever expect to be totally in control? I can’t promise, but I can try to get there step by step. I can no longer afford to be totally controlled by the guy or guys I’m with. But I am still not ready to claim full control over myself. I want to be in control of myself. And I want something beyond that.
I need something bigger than myself to be in control of me. And that’s HIV. I need it to fill my default thoughts, so there will be no possibility for me to consider anything else but safe sex. I need it to control me, sexually, that is. It will be my Remote Control. I emphasize “will”. Future tense. I’m not there yet.
So for now, I’m trying, trying, trying to stay in situations that I have the most possibility of controlling. And try I will, until I’m ready to give total control of my sex life to HIV. And when I get that point, I’m absolutely NOT passing the remote.
Monday, October 06, 2008
The New Virginity
I met a new friend this week, a fellow pozzie. So I got to treat myself to a bit of a social life, something that I’d set aside a bit for a while now.
The day was laden with such lively conversation, probably because, needless to say, we could relate to each other.
He introduced me to a new concept. He said that HIV was the New Virginity. A New Virginity?! I was so curious, but baffled at the same time. Wouldn’t you be?
He pointed out how the pre-HIV we, and the HIV-negative rest of the world technically didn’t have a need for limitations when choosing a sexual partner. Whereas we, at this new HIV stage of life, have a bit of exclusivity to consider, and sexual practices to re-think and re-learn.
Hmm, very interesting. Might this just be what I am looking for to increase my personal value? I gave it some thought.
I’ve actually set aside the possibility of having sex with anyone, long before I started on my medications. And now, I’d set my mind on letting my body adjust to the medications, before moving on to even think about other stuff that might complicate it. And that included sex.
I haven’t really been totally sexless, and honestly, I’ve still been horny as hell until now. My outlet has just shifted to a more personal level, if you know what I mean. Self-gratification has become a daily habit. Okay, okay, I saw your jaw drop. Oh, get off your high horses and gimme a break! Hehehe.
So anyways, I’ve gotten to a point where, if sex isn’t like riding a bicycle, I might just forget how to do it. Or if the law of evolution that states “use it or lose it” applies, I just might be left with one appendage and one orifice less on my body. And that’s absolutely scary. Hahaha.
So I started reminiscing, and did remember some questions that popped into my head since getting my gift. How does sex go for a pozzie like me? How will I have sex? Can I ever have sex? Who can I have sex with? What can and can’t I do?
So many questions that I have no ready answers for. Me? Asking about sex? How virginal!
And so it hit me. I was convinced. Maybe there is something to this New Virginity thing. Wow, who would’ve ever thought I’d be a virgin again. My pogi points must’ve just went up by a couple of thousand…
But so much for my New Virginity... Ooops, I lost it already. (Imagine me with a guilty smirk on my face...)
Friday, October 03, 2008
Thank You
Last Wednesday was a great day for me. It left me with so much running through my head, I hardly felt I slept through the night. But I wasn’t tired. I was inspired.
Lying in bed the following morning, way before my alarm clock rang, I was looking forward to the day ahead. And then it happened. I found myself praying. Praying, not because I needed something, but because I just wanted to talk to God.
Thank you for giving me this gift. You’ve made clear that you’ve clipped my wings, but never failed to show me that I can still soar.
Thank you for sending me your angels. They’ve been showing up in unexpected places, unexpected times and unexpected ways, but always the right places, the right times and the right ways.
Thank you for helping me find my voice. It was a voice that would not come from my mouth, but would be heard by more ears.
Thank you for giving me so much to say. But thank you more for giving me the courage to share it with the world.
Thank you for my journey. It hasn’t been the easiest, and I doubt it will ever be, but I know you’ve been watching over me every step of the adventure.
I would’ve really wanted to tell you what triggered this, but I can’t. I really hope I wasn’t sworn to secrecy, but you’ll find out when the time is right.
Let’s just say I was fortunate enough to have gone through the right circumstances, that led me to the right people. People who shared my advocacy, and had the will, the mind, and the heart to take it that much further.
I’m proud to be part of this team, and can’t wait to tell you more about them. But for now, pardon me, but my lips are sealed. Rest assured, I’m happy.
Monday, September 22, 2008
In My Head
What’s been running through my head lately? Efavirenz. And I’m not exaggerating. This is my third week on Efavirenz, and it’s been trying to drive me crazy.
When the doctor changed my medication from Nevirapine to Efavirenz at the RITM two weeks ago, she had warned me about the side effects. Among these, were dizziness and dreams. I was thinking anything would be better than the fever and rashes I was experiencing with Nevirapine.
So I started on Efavirenz, just once a day, taking the doctor’s advice to take it in the evening, making sure I’d have nothing important to do after taking it. I never experienced any of the dreaming, but man, she wasn’t kidding about the dizziness.
I’ve been trying to come up with some way to accurately describe the feeling, and I’ve actually come up with a number of them.
First thing that came to mind, was that it felt like I was seeing the world through someone else’s prescription lenses. It was like being drunk, but not tipsy. My mind was all a blur.
It wasn’t exactly impairing me. Rather it was even making me move faster. More efficient maybe? I’ve noticed I’ve been able to go through my morning routine faster, making me arrive at work earlier. I even walk faster. I don’t know if it’s giving me more energy or something, but the world seemed to slow down relatively. Crazy, huh?
A friend of mine may have caught a good description, saying it must feel like being on a third straight cup of coffee. I couldn’t really tell, not being a coffee drinker, but maybe, it made some sense.
I also described it as feeling like everything I do, everything I hear, everything I think, everything I see, just echoes in my head twenty times before setting in. It felt chaotic.
So that’s how I’ve been feeling for the past two weeks. Admittedly, I seem to be getting the hang of it. At this point, it’s no longer as bad as the first few days. Things in my head are clearer now, and I feel I’m getting back to my old self again. U and C did say it’d be this way, and that I should be dizziness-free anywhere between a week and a month.
So all in all, I’m pretty happy about the Efavirenz. I haven’t been having to think about it much, and have even had to worry more about my Hepatitis B and Syphilis. Well, not really.
I’ve visited the doctors at Social Hygiene Clinic again to start another round of penicillin shots for my Syphilis. As for the Hepa, the lab tests show I’m an active carrier, and the result of the latest lab test for the Hepa Viral Load hasn’t come out yet. The doctor says it’s nothing to worry about, because one of my HIV medications, Lamivudine, is actually also a medication for Hepatitis B. So we’re actually hitting two birds with one stone here.
The fortunate thing is that I haven’t had any manifestations of either of what a doctor friend of mine regards as my HIV “add-ons”. I’ve always said, having HIV is one thing, but adding Hepatitis B and Syphilis isn’t anything to be proud of. Although, it’s still far from the end of the world.
So for now, they’re just a few things more to deal with, aside from work, family and love. Just another part of the macro scale of life. No biggie.
How about you? What’s been running through your head lately?
Thursday, August 07, 2008
The Big Move
I’m moving. Nope, not moving out of the house, just transferring. RITM, here I come.
I’ve had my online persona for a while now, and through it I’ve been able to meet a lot of different people. Mostly just online acquaintances, but some I’ve been lucky enough to meet. I’ve also been fortunate with the kinds of people I’ve been meeting. It’s been a risk and a great deal of trust every time I agreed to meet someone new, but so far, no regrets. Although they’re of all sorts, from poz to not, they’ve all been great experiences and learnings for me.
Of the poz guys I’ve encountered online, most if not all of them were presently registered at the Research Institute for Tropical Medicine, or RITM, in Alabang. I, on the other hand, am with the San Lazaro Hospital in Manila.
I never knew anything about the RITM before, except that it was in the south of Metro Manila. And it’s far. So I never even tried to learn more about it just based on that. But from these guys, I’ve heard a lot more things about the RITM. They never really told me not to go to San Lazaro or to transfer to the RITM. I am currently in the process of formulating that decision on my own.
Money-wise, San Lazaro is better apparently, since it’s a government hospital, providing most services for free. But I’ve been told that RITM does the next best thing, which is provide a 75% discount to HIV patients, should they need to be confined. I’m not sure if that covers rooms and/or services, but it’s significant enough either way. ARV medication is still free of course.
One other thing I’ve heard is that the atmosphere is better. You’ve heard me rant before about how depressing the conditions were at the H4 ward of San Lazaro Hospital. Apparently, things are more decent at the RITM.
I’ve mentioned before how I enjoyed immersing, or more like fading into the poz crowd during those big Thusdays I’ve spent at San Lazaro. I still do. It’s still an eye opener. But the contrast of that against the atmosphere at the RITM is… intriguing. Apparently, there, there are no crowds, no fiesta-like Thursdays, and as I’ve been told, it would be very rare for poz patients to bump into each other. Extreme, isn’t it? I’m told it’s a good thing, because there’s less politics involved. Politics? Hmmm, considering that we are a society amongst ourselves, politics shouldn’t be too surprising. But as I’m really a loner to begin with, the novelty of the H4 social experience might just wear off eventually. Either way, good for me.
So far, nothing really convincing for me to transfer to the RITM, right? So here comes my compelling reason.
Now you know how I’ve been ranting about the ultimatum that I had been given at San Lazaro, right? About how they let me off last time I was there, telling me I needed to start on ARVs, but that I should come back when I had family, or at least close friends with me for support? It was like the ball was in my court, only to find out I didn’t know the rules.
Granted, I acknowledge the urgency to start on ARVs. Ok, maybe some people would rant back that I’ve taken long enough and should tell my family, or friends at least. But it’s just not the right time just yet. I’ve been thinking about it a lot, but haven’t convinced myself to do it. I can’t explain it, but it’s not that easy.
Now the RITM looks like it will be the answer to my problem. One of my “friends” who has become my insider into the RITM referred my problem to them. I didn’t ask him to, but he cared enough to take initiative. Their response? They’d welcome me with open arms. Apparently, I wouldn’t need a support system if I didn’t have it. The important thing was that I get started on ARVs. Furthermore, initial stages of ARV medication could be taken at home, unlike at San Lazaro where they require a two week confinement there when starting on ARVs. I was shocked. Was this for real?!
Okay, the down side is that I’d have to go through the process all over again. The forms, the interrogations, the pity, the stares, and the least I’m looking forward to, the blood tests. Arghhh. I’m still not over my fear of needles, but I guess I’m less stressed about it. I’m particularly looking forward to having my CD4 count tested again, to see how I’m doing so far, after over two months of no ARV medication, relying just on multivitamins and some old-fashioned virgin coconut oil. Wow, I never realized it's been two months. This will be interesting.
So there, I’ve stated my case. And as you may have guessed by now, I’m practically convinced that the RITM is the answer to my problems. I plan to go there next week for my profiling, or what I refer to more as a re-baptism or conversion. And even have a couple of offers from my fellow pozzies to accompany me there. I’ve been so blessed.
Read more about the Research Institute for Tropical Medicine at http://www.ritm.gov.ph/.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Another Angel
Poz.com has brought me another angel. Let’s call him U. I’ve been bitching a bit about how few Filipinos there are on poz.com, and how few of those few seem to be active. So several weeks ago, I just dropped by the site, and picked out a few to whom I sent some messages. I sent pretty much the same to each. I think I sent maybe four or five. I just said a simple “Hello” and asked if they were open to being friends.
A week passed, no word. Until I got a response from one guy. One of those simple faceless profiles that others might just brush off. But I would not be that choosy. Let’s call him… U.
U and I exchanged a few messages, after which we traded messenger IDs. We finally got the chance to chat, after which we graduated on to talking over the phone. We interrogated each other, discovering we lived in the same city. U admitted he wasn’t working, having to resign due to the stress at work which was affecting his health. It reminded me of C, who I’d also met thru poz.com. We then came to the HIV part of the introduction.
Interesting how he found out he was HIV positive. He was already in a relationship with someone when they decided to get tested together. He says he’d only had unprotected sex a couple of times before. His boyfriend’s results came out the next day, while his took a couple of weeks. I admitted I knew that feeling. So there it was, U was poz, while his boyfriend was negative. A tragedy probably more shocking than my incident with my Mojo. U had mentioned that their mixed serostatus had forced them to shift their relationship towards companionship. But really, the best part of the story was that they’re still together as we speak. I admit, that gave me hope for my own relationship destiny. With a bit of envy, of course. Hehehe.
So anyways, we got to figuring out how far on the HIV path the other was. Apparently, he was further along, already being on ARVs since last year. We even compared CD4 counts, mine being 343, was lower than his current 350+. Almost the same. He was registered at the Research Institute for Tropical Medicine in Alabang, but had also been to the San Lazaro Hospital once before.
He was repeatedly expressing concern about the fact that I was still not on ARVs, despite being advised to. I expressed my concern, which he understood. But still he emphasized how important it was to start fighting the infection as early as possible, which I understood.
Apparently he had been through a similar situation, where he was putting off getting started on medication, needing to concentrate on his career. Until the time came that his health was noticeably declining, then he really needed to start on ARVs. As such, his wise words for me were, “as soon as possible”.
Our relationship is in the building stage, we had spent a number of nights on the phone together sharing stories and information, and have even managed to meet this last weekend to catch a movie together. He was a good looking guy, very decent and presentable. Cute actually. A bit on the serious side. But it was nice. Comfortable.
We caught a screening of “The Dark Night” and enjoyed every minute of that evening. I did, at least. I felt we could’ve spent even more hours chatting the night away, like dogs being let loose to play. But of course, being that we were both immunally-challenged, we needed to head on home to get some much needed rest.
We walked across to where he could get a ride, and talked some more, letting more than a handful of jeepneys pass us by. He asked me if I was hungry, which I was not, it being that I’d usually be asleep by that time. It was a bit of an awkward time, I wasn’t sure if he was waiting for me to invite him over to my place or what, but obviously I had given it some thought. Hehehe.
He finally grabbed a ride around midnight, and I started walking home. I was already thankful for the time and sympathy that U had given me, but it was relieving enough that I had received a text message from him when I got home. This was not to be just a one-night-stand. And the fact that we still hung out over the phone the nights following that meeting tells me there will be much, much more to look forward to from us. I like U.
Thursday, July 03, 2008
Close Encounter
A Monday night out?! It’s the first working day of the week. Very unlike me. This Monday was different. Not for a date, not even for sex.
I had finally gotten some use out of my poz.com account. Prior to this, I had my profile up in the personals, but not much replies from the other Pinoys there. I encountered C on the site.
C and I exchanged e-mails and contact numbers, and agreed to meet Monday night. I have no idea where my fear, paranoia and shyness went at that time. I jumped right in. He said he’d be in the Ortigas area, where I work, so we could meet there. So C and I met. We clicked right away, just while walking to find a place to eat. Living with HIV just gave us so much to talk about. We settled into a table at McDonalds for dinner.
At 36, he’d been living with HIV for 5 years now. He’s on ARVs, and is doing ok. Although he did have to resign from his previous job because of the stress. I wasn’t sure if the stress had affected his health or not. But he’s in the process of applying for a new job now, which is always good.
My two and a half months being poz is nothing compared to his 5 years, and I knew I had much to learn from him. Some of the things were affirmations of what I thought. Others were totally new to me.
He shared with me how he was diagnosed in the Middle East, and even jailed for a year for being HIV positive. I could not help but realize how lucky I was to be here in the Philippines.
He told me about Pinoy Plus, which according to him is a non-government organization which serves as a support group for PLWHAs. He offered to take me there one of these days when I was ready to meet people and had some free time.
He told me to watch out for depression, and explained to me how my acceptance was not the end of depression phase. He recounted how he has been through several cycles of depression and acceptance, noticeably triggered by some unfortunate day to day events or situations.
I complained to him about the doctors practically “requiring” me to have my family with me when I go for my ARVs, and he told me to take my time telling the family, to seriously consider and limit the persons who need to know, and to just settle for the support of friends if telling the family was too big a hurdle towards my ARV medications. It was a relief to receive that affirmation.
We talked about the H4 ward at the San Lazaro Hospital, as well as the Research Institute for Tropical Medicine, or RITM, an alternative venue to the H4 located in Alabang, where he is registered. C explained that whereas it’s free at the H4 ward at the San Lazaro Hospital since it is a government hospital (I wasn’t exactly sure whether everything was free or just services or accommodations or what), at the RITM, discounts of 75% are apparently given to HIV patients.
What interested me most, was the information he shared with me regarding benefits available to people living with HIV in the Philippines. Regarding Pag-ibig benefits, or the Home Development Mutual Fund, he said something like it is an option for people like us to retire and withdraw all accumulated contributions to one’s name. Even better for the Social Security System, apparently, SSS members infected with HIV may opt to file for disability and qualify for a monthly pension. Something he is able to count on while he is unemployed. Very interesting. He warned, though, that filing for disability while I am employed or still connected with my employer may as well mean I’ll be coming out of my closet whether I like it or not. He says it would be more advisable to file when one is no longer connected to any employer. It made sense. He didn’t mention anything about Philhealth, or the Philippine Health Insurance Company, but I’m guessing they have to have something for us as well. This was all good news for me, to know that there are these opportunities for people like me. It might make the future less daunting. But I’ll do more research on it and tell you more.
We ended the evening walking towards the bus stop and going our separate ways on different bus routes. But everything was good. We bid goodbye with hopes of keeping in touch and meeting again.
All that, and more, left me with so much learnings. It was exciting. I was truly fortunate to have encountered and met C. I realized there were so many facets to this “new life” of mine. Much, much more to learn for sure. I’m up for it.
