I received notice from a fellow Yoga for Lifer and advocate about a meeting for which Positivism needed to be represented. Typically, it would be my boss who would be the rightful representative. But as he was overseas on vacation at the time, there seemed to be no other choice. I had no other choice but to go.
So I remember, it was a Tuesday. I took the afternoon off from work to attend the meeting. Call time was actually at 11:00 am, but I asked if I could drop in by 2:00 pm. I planned on leaving work at lunchtime, and just needed time to get to Quezon City where the meeting had been set. Luckily, they allowed my tardiness. Otherwise, I would’ve had to pass on the meeting.
I was quite nervous. I knew Positivism isn’t exactly an institution in the established HIV advocacy realm just yet. So in as much as I was told that I was there just to observe, I was expecting that I would need to give at least a backgrounder on Positivism. Yikes. It’s me again faced with public speaking. Good luck to me. But I did what I could to prepare for that possibility.
Getting there about half an hour earlier than my foreseen tardiness, I walked in and signed the attendance sheet by the door. I was pleased to see a familiar name on the list, and scanned the room to search for the face that went with it. I saw a hand wave me over, as our Yoga for Life yogi babe offered me the seat beside her. Whew… big relief to have her there.
The meeting was actually vision meeting among advocates in Metro Manila. A joint project of USAID (United States Agency for International Development), UNDP (United Nations Development Programme), UNAIDS (Joint United Nations Programme on HIV and AIDS), FHI (Family Health International), and APCOM (Asia Pacific Coalition on Male Sexual Health), it brought together representatives of groups and projects in Metro Manila working against HIV among MSMs, or men who have sex with men.
Manila was just one of six Asian cities being surveyed, a “City Scan” as they called it, for innovative and scalable responses against HIV among MSMs. The other 5 cities include Bangkok in Thailand, Chengdu in China, Ho Chi Minh City in Vietnam, Rangoon in Burma and Jakarta in Indonesia. They would be doing their own “City Scans”.
In that room that afternoon, I was in formidable company. There were representatives from the National AIDS and STI Prevention and Control Program (NASPCP) of the Department of Health (DOH), Philippine National AIDS Council (PNAC), the AIDS Society of the Philippines (ASP), Health Action Information Network (HAIN), TLF Sexuality, Health and Rights Educators Collective (TLF Share), Action for Health Initiatives (ACHIEVE), The Rainbow Rights Project, Metropolitan Community Church Quezon City (MCCQC) and Pinoy Plus or PAFPI - sorry, I confuse the two - and some other groups.
A number of groups were given time to discuss efforts they had in support of the HIV advocacy.
ASP discussed their proposed online campaign of HIV awareness among MSMs backed by financial support from the Global Fund. They would get chatting with people on some of the gay hookup sites based on certain keywords on their profile, which included BB or bareback, PNP or party-n-play, and orgy or group sex. I giggled on the side wondering if they’d chance upon my own profiles on those sites. Boy, would they be surprised at how aware I am about HIV.
ACHIEVE had a campaign bringing together the Philippine National Police, the Quezon City STD/AIDS Council, and SAMACKA, which was a union of spas, massage parlors, clubs and KTV bars. Through this collaboration, they were to encourage the at-risk group of sex workers to practice safer sex and observe better health protocols, hinged on Quezon City‘s ordinance 1053 on sexual health response. Now this one was cool.
MCCQC and Rainbow Rights Project were two groups I don’t think I’d ever heard of before. MCCQC is apparently a religious group, while Rainbow Rights Project is a sort of law firm of sorts, both of which support the LGBT sector. It was good to know that there was such a thing.
Before moving on to the next part of the agenda, as expected, they gave a little bit of time for Positivism to introduce itself. Yikes. So I gave what I had, assisted by the internet access they had at the venue. Now I need to point out again that Positivism is not a presence in that circle of advocacy just yet. So unexpectedly, but thankfully, the idea of Positivism was taken in by the group with no negativity. No concerns, no violent reactions. Whew.
So at this point, I was still in shock to be in the midst of the group. And for Positivism, Yoga for Life, and Take the Test - three efforts that I was lucky enough to be a part of - to be considered among the innovative responses against HIV, was phenomenal.
So it came time for them to move on to putting together a contingent of advocates who would be sent to the big event in Hong Kong - the coming together of all the scans of innovative practices in the six cities represented in the study.
The Philippine contingent would have 9 slots available. Representatives from government were to be given three slots, representing NASPCP, QCSAC and PNAC. The rest would be split among the five identified fields of attack. “Strategic Information” would be represented by HAIN, “supportive interventions” by TLF Share, “Enabling Environments” by ACHIEVE, “Treatment, Care and Support” by the positive community, either Pinoy Plus or PAFPI, and “Prevention” by ASP.
Hmmm, that left one slot. I felt safe, since Positivism wasn’t represented or barely heard of in the group until that day, which was the last meeting. Plus Positivism isn’t exactly an effort targeted specifically towards MSMs. But of course, things don’t ever go as expected.
Positivism got in. They chose to give us another slot under the “Prevention” cluster, partially in consideration that it was an effort spearheaded by someone from the private sector. I was in disbelief. Too bad my yogi babe was no longer there to slap me silly that it was really happening.
Within the week, I needed to meet up again with the Philippine consultant of the program to give him everything he needed to know about Positivism so he could put us into his report. Again, I was the default since my boss was still out of town. That was again another moment of awkward speaking for me, which was thankfully helped out by a relaxed atmosphere in a casual venue.
It was a long, but less structured interview. But for me it was really an impromptu thing. It was good to hear feedback too from the consultant about Positivism. He found it remarkable how we are able to work without funding, relying only on collaborations in terms of efforts and services we would need. And hearing how existing advocacies could benefit from the tone Positivism takes in its messages and information was huge.
And in the weeks that followed, we then needed to figure out who would represent Positivism in Hong Kong. My boss was considering shouldering his own expenses just so we’d both be there. Actually, it would really just be either him or me.
But things can and will go wrong. Upon checking, I realized my passport needed renewal. I tried getting an appointment with the DFA for that, but the earliest slot available would fall on the exact week of the Hong Kong event. Funny, huh? Oi. Either fortunately or unfortunately, my boss would have to go to Hong Kong for Positivism. It’s fine with me. But it would’ve really been a great opportunity, too.
So there. Baby steps and all, Positivism now officially has its foot in the HIV advocacy door. Not that we’d stop doing what we do otherwise, but still way cool. The perfect way to wrap up another year of Positivism.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Propping Up Positivism
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Booking on Facebook
Facebook. I’ve only been on it for about a year maybe. And only got the hang of it for less than that. I blame it on my solitary nature.
My initial hesitation was that I’d become too accessible. I would be found by everyone, including those people I didn’t really want to be found by. But I guess I got over that in a bahala-na way, because before I knew it, I had added hundreds of friends, people from way back elementary days to the present. Hmm.
Facebook has also become a tool I use to promote Positivism. Positivism has its own Facebook page, and I’ve been taking the liberty of inviting people to “Like” the page. Would people be wondering why I’m promoting HIV awareness? I’d like to set a good example and say I couldn’t care less. So I’ve invited all my elementary, high school, and college friends to Positivism. Keber. If at least, it makes them think about HIV. If it makes them wonder what’s my tiff with HIV, well then that’s not my banana to split.
It’s not like only HIV positives have “Liked” the page. Over 200 of my own friends have liked it, all the way from former classmates and colleagues, to friends and buddies. I sort of lost all the qualms about being linked too definitively to HIV. As far as I’m concerned, I’m just promoting health and wellness. That’s all.
After I was done inviting the people I knew, I went after people I didn’t know. Of course I’d need to “Friend” them on my own Facebook account first before I’d be able to suggest Positivism to them. So I went out searching for people who I thought would need some HIV awareness.
How did I do that? Simple. I judge how sexual people are by their profile pictures. Hehe. Basically any profile picture that makes me say “Wow!” gets my attention and my add.
Too hot to handle... check!
Half-naked profile pics... check!
Chests without faces... check!
Abs without faces... check!
Crotches without faces... check!
Hehe, okay fine call me judgmental. But this is Facebook, after all. Not Guys4men. Not Chestbook. Not Absbook. Not Crotchbook. Right? So yes, lately, my Facebook page has been filled with chests, abs and crotches. Should I be concerned?
It isn’t all that easy, but I‘m ready to be judged. I’ve gotten the flak from some of my real friends as well. My favorite doctor-advocate has jibbed me with, “Hataw sa pag-add ng friends ah!” Fine, I admit... it looks like I'm just booking on Facebook. I tried explaining my logic. As to whether he believed me or not, heaven knows.
Another acquaintance has kidded me that maybe he should change his profile picture to a towel-clad or naked one as well, considering that I seem to have an affinity to that. Ha ha ha. It’s fine, really. Not that I have a reputation that would be tarnished or anything.
And finding my hot Facebook friends is becoming easier actually. Apparently, the tell-me-who-your-friends-are mantra is true. Chests, abs and crotches are friends with chests, abs and crotches. Eventually, people were finding me as well, people I most definitely didn’t know personally who were maybe piqued by the fact that I had such lewd friends. Hmm.
Again, why am I doing this? Well, I add my hot friends. And then I check out their pictures and drool a bit. And then I invite them to “Like” Positivism. As simple as that. But why again?
Well, I’m sort of challenged by the HIV Registry of the DOH. As of June 2010, a total of 5,233 Filipinos have been diagnosed with HIV. And I’m thinking that it should be easier to get people to click a “Like” button than getting them infected and diagnosed with HIV, right?
Not as easy as you’d think. I’m guessing it happens that some accept my suggestion and “Like” it, but upon realizing that it’s about HIV, then they retract and decide they don’t want to be connected to HIV and all. Hmm.
It’s actually funny. But it’s working somewhat. The fanbase of Positivism has been increasing anyway, albeit just one or two a day. We currently have a fan base of over 5,260. While the HIV registry is hot on our tail, at least there are still more Positivism advocates on Facebook than there are HIV-positives on the DOH registry, right?
For now, I hope my growing network means that the Positivism network is growing too, and that in turn I hope to mean that the number of people becoming aware of HIV is growing, too.
If you‘re not yet a fan, visit www.Positivism.ph, or search for Positivism on Facebook, or click here. You can also help by clicking the “Suggest to Friends” link below our profile pic on Facebook and sending it to your friends. Thanks!
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Unacceptably Accepted
In Positivism's last poll, readers were asked how it would affect their relationship with a friend or family member if they found out that that person was HIV-positive. Of the almost 200 respondents, around 68% said it would make their bond stronger, 27% said it wouldn’t change a thing, while just 5% said it would force them apart.
Looking at those results, the scales seem to be really tipped in favor of those with HIV, right? So much support. So much acceptance. So much love. And as someone who is HIV-positive, I should be so extremely happy with those results… supposedly. But… I’m not.
I am HIV-positive, yes.
But no, I am not HIV.
Quite frankly, I cannot fathom any other notion than that HIV does not define me. And that being said, suddenly having HIV should not change who I am, right?
So if you suddenly like me more now that I’m HIV positive, what’s the contributing factor to that? It can’t be anything else than the HIV. It’s like reverse stigma… but stigma nonetheless. Grr.
I just feel that if having HIV becomes the reason for someone to become closer to me all of a sudden, then it probably has some sense of pity or charity behind it. And no… as much as I don’t want shame, I don’t want pity either.
I’d much rather have people I know say that finding out I had HIV won’t change a thing. If they love me, then they still love me. If they hate me, then they still hate me. HIV just shouldn’t be a part of the equation of hate and love. Nuff said.
I am HIV-positive, yes.
But no, I am not HIV.
Because the bottom line is that I am still me. But then again, that’s just me.
- republished from Positivism's Ka-Blog
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Issue 3, Finally!
OMG! OMFG!
It's here! It's here! It's finally, finally here!
After a lot of delays and a long wait, it's here!
It's here! It's here! It's finally, finally here!
The third and latest issue of Positivism is finally out. And acceptance is the name of the game. Check it out at www.positivism.ph. Finally! Whew!
Thursday, May 21, 2009
My HPV Brothers
HPV. The Human Papilloma Virus. Lately it’s been all over the boob tube, with a commercial promoting a vaccine against HPV. It is said that eight out of ten sexually-active women are at risk of contracting HPV, which causes cervical cancer, genital warts, vulvar cancer and other diseases.
Hold on. Nope, I do not have HPV. Not as far as I know, that is.
During the lifetime of this blog, I’ve encountered two guys who were diagnosed with HPV. You’d be wondering what they were doing lurking around a blog about HIV. Mostly because, as having other STDs is one red flag to look out for, they were advised by their respective doctors to get tested as well for HIV.
Although I’ve never met either of them in person, I was able communicate with them regarding questions and concerns they had about HIV, and was witness to the agonizing wait they had to endure before getting their HIV test results. The great news behind their stories is that they both tested negative for HIV. Excellent news, actually. Or so you’d think.
Considering not many people understand HIV, even less people know about HPV. The commercial that’s been being shown on TV only centers on women being victims of HPV. And other than that, I’ve never seen any documentaries or reports that tackled the subject of HPV, unlike HIV which has had more than its fifteen seconds of fame.
Similarities between HIV and HPV abound. Both are primarily sexually-transmitted, and both still have no cure. Both viruses are risks to everyone regardless of gender, and, as my two friends show, regardless of sexual orientation – yes, one of them is straight, and the other is not. And as I continued communicating with these two guys, we realized that we’ve been able to experience the same things – confusion, anxiety, depression, paranoia, and insecurities, among others.
We’ve realized so much similarities that one of them even thought of the idea of mimicking this blog! If I was PinoyPoz, he would be PinoyWart. If this was Back In The Closet, his would be Wart In The Closet. So if I was B.I.T.C.H., he would be W.I.T.C.H.! Hahaha. A brilliant idea, if I may say so myself. Watch out for that blog, in case it pushes through!
As such, I think they realized that there is hope after HPV, just as I did with HIV. And in some ways, they appreciate the positivity with which I’ve been able to face my new life with HIV, and have been able to – hopefully – adopt that same attitude in theirs.
But the similarities between HIV and HPV practically end there. Upon giving things some thought, I realize that we who live with HIV are in a way luckier than our HPV counterparts. How so?
Well, for one thing, unbeknownst to most, me included, there are types of HPV that can be transmitted by less sexual contact, from the skin or mucous membranes in casual contacts, whereas HIV would require exchanges of bodily fluids such as semen, blood and vaginal fluids. As such, people living with HPV may need to take even more care – more care than even a condom can give.
But more importantly, there is more activism behind awareness and healthcare surrounding HIV. I don’t think there are NGO’s or support groups for people living with HPV. At least, I’ve not heard of any. There is also nothing close to R.A. 8504, or the Philippine AIDS Act, that protects those with HPV. And people living with HIV have access to free checkups, and free medication – something that cannot be said for those with HPV. There is no such thing as Positivism.ph for them either, which aims for awareness and understanding of a plight with the virus.
But negativity aside, I’m glad to say I’m still in touch with these two guys until today. Regardless of the fact that their HIV test results came out negative, they’ve professed how life-changing this experience has been, and expressed their continued support for people like me who live with HIV.
And in as much as I’ve realized that we with HIV seem luckier than those with HPV, I therefore move that our fight for awareness, understanding, respect, empowerment, and positivity, transcend the viral strains with which we live. I motion that we adopt these guys into our little community, not exactly as honorary pusits, but more like – our HPV brothers. Any objections?
Friday, May 08, 2009
Positivism Goes Live!
I just found out!
It's live! It's up!
Positivism's second issue goes online!
Now na!
Check out Positivism's second issue, themed RISK. On the cover, Wanggo Gallaga. Visit www.Positivism.ph.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Saké? Hai! Arigato!
I had TGIF on my mind from the time I got out of bed yesterday. Another end to a work week, and another weekend to look forward to. A routine day at work ensued. At the end of it all, I punched out at exactly 5:30 pm and left the office... but I wasn’t heading home.
The day just wasn’t over. Not just yet.
The Positivism.ph team had a dinner meeting scheduled last night in Makati. The agenda of the meeting? Well, the second issue of Positivism is currently in production, so we needed to updates as to how it was going and what else was missing or needed. It’s been a while since the last issue, released last December, mostly because we needed to act upon the feedback we got regarding our maiden issue.
So leaving work on the dot, I had two hours to spare before the meeting. I opted to take a bus to Makati, purposely meaning to get stuck in some traffic to eat up some of that time. I find bus rides much more relaxing, too, rather than having to walk all the way to and up the MRT stations, and squeeze into jam-packed commuter trains. So a long bus ride and a short jeepney ride later, I got there... still with thirty minutes to spare. Good enough. I pride myself with being almost never late for meetings.
I headed to the resto immediately, aiming to relax a bit and warm up to the unfamiliar place while waiting. I found the quaint restaurant, was greeted at the door in Japanese and led by the kimono-clad waitress to the reserved room. And in keeping with its authenticity, guests were to take off their shoes before entering the room, which was on a platform that opened up to a low seating table with leg-less chairs flanking it on both sides. Cute.
After about fifteen minutes, J, a fellow pozzie who wanted to meet the team behind Positivism before agreeing to be part of the coming issue, got there. And shortly after that, our Hotbox bosing and the rest of the gang arrived as well.
With some cheers of saké and lots of chika-chika all around, dinner ensued, with the raw stuff kept away from us who were immuno-compromised. Hehe. Yes, we practice what we preach. We were a noisy bunch through dinner – well, they were – but paled in comparison to the Japanese group in the adjacent room. Or maybe we were just hungrier.
After dinner, business replaced the food on the table. I don’t know how much I can give away without preempting the next issue, but what the hey... A preview of the HIV Basics sections came first, which was revamped to cater to those who had a difficult time with the previous issue’s magazine platform. I was literally speechless. It looked great. I was guilty, too, as our Hotbox bosing spotted a single missing word which made a world of difference.
Fine, I’ll admit it. I was tasked to act as editor for this coming issue. I write, yes, but I had never edited before. And I never expected that the hardest part of the job would be editing the parts I wrote myself. There’s just something about having extra sets of eyes comb through a piece of written work to spot mistakes and correct them. Sigh. I just must do better next time.
Next came the Features sections, which will remain in the magazine platform. The cover story? Wanggo Gallaga. Several new sections were born for this second issue: Affected Uninfected, stories of and by people surrounding those infected with HIV; Shout Outs, a venue for those living with HIV who want to come out to the world; and Say What?!, the poll now accompanied by a couple of blogs that readers can interact with... ahem-ahem. Hai!
This second issue will also see the initial offerings of Q for 2, where Dra. Ditangco and Shola Luna answer questions sent in by readers of the previous issue, Readers' Letters, which features e-mail and feedback we got after the launch of our maiden issue, and the Archives, where you still can visit the first issue of Positivism, themed CHANGE and featuring Shola Luna on the cover.
Old staples will still be there, such as It’s A Positive World, composed of news and stories on HIV in the world context, and Good Vibes, which is a collage of videos, articles, games and music, all related to the coming issue’s theme, which is RISK.
It was amazing how much had been done since our deadline for written content back in March. I can safely say that I am equally excited for this coming issue, as I was for the first. And damn proud, too. Ngarrr. The launch of Positivism’s second issue is slated for the second week of May, so watch out for it.
Considering it was past my bedtime and I was waiting for my ARVs to kick in, it was evident that I was left with still a bit of residual excitement for the night. Not as hyper as J, though, who was still full of life as he gave some of us a ride back to Quezon City. I made it home before midnight, by which time, of course, I was off to ARV high.
So allow me to plug shamelessly: Visit www.POSITIVISM.ph, the first e-magazine on HIV and AIDS for Filipinos worldwide. And watch out for our second issue, come May. Arigato!
Friday, April 17, 2009
Happy Positiversary!
How time flies. Today is my 1st Positiversary! Three hundred sixty five days since I was told I was HIV-positive. Would you believe that it’s been a year? A year since finding out I’m HIV-positive. A year since my life was thrown into a frenzy. A year since I wondered if I’d even be alive for another year. Almost a year since I started broadcasting my new positive life through my blog.
Thinking back to that very day that I got my test results telling me I was HIV-positive, I remember not being able to do much at work. I was at my desk, but was really more preoccupied with learning what I could about HIV. I’d already heard about HIV since back in high school, but more than the scientific blur that I already knew, I needed to know how it was to actually live with HIV.
I’d gotten to a number of sites that had the information I needed, but none were in the context that I was looking for. They were all sites on living with HIV in other countries – useful somehow, of course. But nothing about the Philippines, where conditions might be different, resources might be different, acceptance might be different, and support might be different. Not knowing anyone personally who was living with HIV in the Philippines, I needed to know if there were any. I needed to read their story. I needed to know how difficult the road ahead of me was going to be. I needed to know how they were living, if there were any living at all.
And so I searched, and searched, and searched, and came up with hardly anything. There were just loads of statistics, and a couple of blogs written by HIV-positive Filipinos who were residing in other countries. Still not what I was looking for. It was then that I decided that I may as well be the first.
Considering that I was choosing to go through my HIV journey without the support of my family and friends, more than half my purpose was that I needed an outlet for sanity’s sake. I needed to speak my mind, regardless of who was listening, but at the same time stay anonymous to keep the paranoia at bay. The rest of me wanted to do it thinking that someday, someone like me might want to know the story of someone living in the Philippines with HIV.
Initially, realizing that I was being read was humbling enough. I don’t know how they stumbled onto my blog, but most of those who started following my story were actually people of other nationalities – some of whom hadn’t even heard of the Philippines before. I acknowledge I’m not exactly the perfect poster boy to put the Philippines on the map. But I think that support was what I needed, coming from people who were already relatively open-minded about HIV. I believe they were the ones who gave me the initial inertia to keep blogging, and keep living.
Eventually, evidenced by the comments being left, more Filipino readers came plopping onto my blog, and some, I think, have been following it religiously. The positive to the negative, male to female, gay to straight, local to those abroad, and from those who were making themselves known to those who chose to remain anonymous. It was then that I realized that everyone was affected by HIV. As in everyone.
Of course, things haven’t all been peachy with blogging. I’ve been criticized before, by the very HIV advocacy groups that should have been making the HIV journey less of a mystery, for being too open about my plight with HIV, as it was allegedly threatening the discretion of others who were living with it. Being told that I was just too new at it to understand the consequences of my actions just went against my natural logic altogether. I never understood why keeping the names of doctors, nurses and treatment hubs secret was helpful to anyone.
By now, I think they’ve realized they won’t scare me away that easily. I can only hope that the passion with which I tell my story has proved to those skeptical HIV-positives that I am no fly-by-night blogger, and that I mean no harm in telling my story. Did they want me to show a more kawawa image of a pusit? I don’t know, and I hope not. By now, their protests have died down, and maybe they’re even wondering why they didn’t think of doing this themselves in the first place.
Almost a year and over a hundred blog entries since I started, Back In The Closet will spin off onto a parallel course, as Positivism.ph adopts this B.I.T.C.H. as one of its resident bloggers. It shouldn’t be any different, just like putting my blog on steroids. Roarrr!
And so a year since it started, my HIV story goes on. It goes on for those who live with HIV. It goes on for those who await their own results. It goes on for those who are thinking of getting tested. It goes on, even for those who are just thinking about taking the risk. It goes on for those who are affected by HIV, which, in reality, is everyone. I remain... Back In The Closet.
Sunday, April 05, 2009
My Love Bus
When Australian band Bachelor Girl came up with their debut hit Buses and Trains back in the 90s, I instantly fell in love with the song. With a chorus of lyrics that went...
So I walked under a bus
I got hit by a train
Keep falling in love
Which is kinda the same
I've sunk out at sea
Crashed my car, gone insane
And it felt so good
I want to do it again
... I just thought this was the perfect ode to describe the hopeless romantic that I can be at times. Inspired, both by the song and some things that have been going on in my life in the past months, I came up with my own pathetic attempt at a love rhyme. Here goes.
Down a dusty old path, baring body and soul
Like a trek with no end, it had taken its toll
I got used to walking with no one at my side
When you turned 'round the corner and offered a ride
Stared into your lights down to each shiny hub
Felt my heart skip a beat and I knew it was love
Hesitant at first to take a hitch like a whore
Now I can't help but wish there’s still room for one more
Just when I got so used to your soft comfy seat
You just left me wondering where and when we'll next meet
Are you gonna reroute or splash mud to the shin
Honestly I'd rather you stop and say "Hop in"
You said you'd be coming this way again real soon
Are you gonna slow down or fly by with a vroom?
You know where to find me, I got nowhere to go
Trying not to expect and yet can’t help but hope
It's lonely being "me", I would rather be "us"
I'll still be waiting...
Waiting for my big Love Bus
No, I'm not in love with a bus, a bus driver nor a bus conductor. There's such a thing as a metaphor, 'ya know! Don't bother asking who or what exactly triggered this... please? Whether my Love Bus picks me up or just runs me over, my biggest consolation is that I'm happy to realize I'm still capable of loving. Just take my emo-ness as you see it. Thank you. Bow.
Lecheng pag-ibig 'to...
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Shola Luna
Shola Luna. You might not have been aware, but I’ve mentioned her several times before in previous posts. Maybe not by name. But she, or he, is the “resident counselor” at the RITM that I’ve always been referring to. And I'm sure she has been able to counsel a lot of other pozzies by sharing her own plight with HIV
I don’t really remember how it was the first time we met. I recall she was there when U first brought me to RITM. But of course, I was my usually shy self, and I hardly spoke to anyone other than U, and the doctor, of course. So I don’t really recall my first impression of her.
I do remember, though, the day that I brought a new guy to RITM to get him started on his HIV journey. Shola was there with Ate, and that was the time that they were talking about other pozzies not being pleased about some people disclosing the hospitals, doctors and terms related to HIV via the net. Of course, they weren’t aware just yet that I was one of the culprits.
I thought I was safe, until the new guy I brought let it slip that we had met thru my blog. I felt Shola’s suspicion as she asked what the URL was. I felt I’d been exposed and had no choice but to guiltily give it. My friend and I were laughing at my getting exposed as we headed home, but I just shrugged it off. What’s done is done. Bahala na, I thought.
The next trip I made to RITM, Shola was there again, and started me off by saying she’d read my blog already. Like a little boy, I was ready for a scolding, but surprisingly she said she liked it and thought it was okay. That was like a load off my chest, and that’s when I knew for sure, I wasn’t doing anything bad.
Since then, I got to hang out more with her at the clinic and play assistant to her when talking with newbies there.
She was the one who introduced me to the Positivism.ph team, and I can’t thank her enough for that. Shola is also part of the Positivism.ph team, and not to mention the first cover story of Positivism.ph.
I enjoy her company because, like me, she likes to laugh a lot. Very Positivism.
I remember one time when we met at Glorietta from where we were to head to the Hotbox office for a Positivism meeting. While waiting for E, who was late as usual, she suddenly needed to go peepee. I pointed out that she had the advantage of going to either of the men’s or the ladies’ rooms, and jokingly suggested she go to the restroom for the disabled instead. She laughed and said she hated lining up at ladies’ rooms, and thought it’d be more fun in the men’s room. Gulp. Yikes
It was hilarious how guys needed to take a second look if they were in the right comfort room upon seeing Shola there. I was just thankful she chose to go into one of the cubicles, rather than stand at one of the urinals. That would’ve been more outrageous! I admit, I was ready to put my dukes up in case anyone had any problems with the situation. Fortunately, it wasn’t anything more than a good laugh.
At one point during the Positivism.ph thing, I got tasked to try and manga-nize Shola for the magazine. But I was stumped! I couldn’t even get past the first option of choosing whether she was male or female. Hahaha. She might kill me when she finds that out.
Although most of the time I’ve spent with her have been more fun and comfortable than anything else, behind her now peace-loving and happy façade, lies a cluttered past which she’s been able to overcome.
Watch more of her at Positivism.ph, where she’s featured in the Reel Deal segment.
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Positivism - Voices
Don't know much about HIV and AIDS?
www.POSITIVISM.ph
Get answers to questions about topics ranging from HIV 101, Transmission & Prevention, The Local Scene, Getting Tested, When Diagnosed, Medication, and Staying Healthy.
A must read, not only for those living with HIV, but for everyone affected by it. And in our world today where HIV is already a reality, that means everyone.
Open your mind. STAY NEGATIVE, THINK POSITIVE.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
Burn the Notebook
Yesterday was a usual day. Worked. Headed home. Had dinner. Took a shower. Drank my meds. Hopped into bed. But I had no plans of sleeping. I was waiting for Reporter’s Notebook, a show on GMA channel 7, which was to have a post-World-AIDS-Day feature on HIV and AIDS. I couldn’t wait. I knew it would be late, but man, it started at midnight, way past my 10:00 pm bedtime. Even worse, they started with another feature, on firecrackers. Yawn.
Finally, at 12:30 in the morning, the segment came on. It was hosted by Maki Pulido, and sort of started me off with a Huh? when she introduced HIV as short for Human Immuno Virus. Hmm, not a good sign.
They started off with interviews of doctors, including my very own Dr. Diana Mendoza from the Social Hygiene Clinic of the Manila Health Department. I honestly lost track of what she was saying, since my mind was going fanatic, knowing the face on the tube. Statistics were laid out: 33 million people worldwide living with HIV, 3,515 people in the Philippines diagnosed to have HIV, and up to 7,490 people in the country possibly actually carrying the virus without their knowing. I’m just one of these statistics.
They mentioned that there has been an alarming rise in diagnoses of HIV infections, this October being the highest ever, at 59 for the month. Personally, it’s a good thing. It doesn’t mean more people are getting infected. It just means that more people are finding out they are. More people having the guts. More people taking responsibility. Who knows how long they’ve been carrying the virus around and not knowing, right? And yes, I speak from experience.
They then introduced three vignettes of people in the Philippines infected by HIV. First, Eric, a married seafarer, who used female sex workers while deployed on a vessel. Second, Joey, a single male, who was a sex worker for five years. Third, Anthony, a callcenter agent who’s had hundreds of partners and has sex even when on break at work.
Wow, thanks for helping the world judge us, ha. I’ve been drowning in Positivism so much, I probably forgot how important it was to point out how slutty we are. Hmmm, so what image is this show trying to leave? That HIV is a punishment for the promiscuous? That’ll really help people chicken out of getting tested, freaks. Now, I was really getting pissed. It’s a good thing they didn’t go as far as push the stereotype of HIV being a homosexual disease.
Maki Pulido and her team continued to show they’re not so pulido, when she asked the call center agent if he knew from whom he got it. Anthony answers something to the tune of, I don’t know anymore, because I’ve had so many. When asked how many sex partners he’s had, he replies, “More than 400, less than 300…” which causes Ms. Pulido to let out a whopping “Wow!” Well, the last time I checked my math, there’s no such number that’s more than 400, less than 300, so I don’t know how they could let that slip through editing. Wow your face.
They went on to show experts from different fields, heading later on to the topic of ARVs. Eric starts off saying ARVs are expensive, but the segment goes on to say that there is access to free ARVs in the country, thanks to foreign funding of government efforts. Then Ms. Remedios AIDS Foundation pops up, and says the free medicines will only be supplied until 2012, and that after that, the burden will be on the government to continue to be able to support the free medicines. At that point, I could feel the blood rushing to my head.
Wow, Remedios AIDS Foundation, thank you for not putting that in more pleasant terms. Thank you for pointing out that we are a burden. And thank you for letting all my hopes and dreams beyond 2012 fall to pieces. Your advocacy amazes me. Yes, I am being sarcastic.
I could literally feel my CD4 count dropping by the minute, because the negativity of the statements was bothersome. Way to scare us all back into hopelessness. You Remedios AIDS F... F... Frustrators!
I don’t really know who to blame. Whether it’s the resource person, the host, the researchers, the staff, the show or the station. That’s what you get when you squeeze as big a topic as HIV into 25 minutes, inclusive of 10 minutes of commercial content. I really hope you made money off of this one. Thanks for bastardizing HIV. I really regretted having to wait up for this program. It's time to burn this notebook.
The only good part is that this reaffirmed why we need to push Positivism to the forefront. It’s really time for change. Now.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
A Positive Day
Thanks to President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo, December 1st was declared a national holiday. It really doesn’t make sense to have to move a holiday that already fell on a weekend, but who am I to turn down a long weekend? More time to rest. But I was expecting it to be a boring one.
Friday night was nothing more than an early-to-bed thing, after turning down a dinner invitation after my long day at work. Saturday didn’t prove me wrong either, although someone did ask me out on a date, but cancelled last minute. I just ran some errands at the bank and the local mall instead. Sunday wasn’t shaping up to be any better, especially since it was drizzling most of the morning. Yawn.
This was until I got an unexpected message... Drum roll, please...
The Positivism.ph team was aiming for December 1st as a launch date for the e-magazine, in time for World AIDS Day. And aim we did. But despite everyone working their asses off on this project, it seemed we’d missed our mark. I last checked for updates Friday, but so far there was no definite word whether we’d make it or not. I even checked the URL, but still saw some generic portal page probably put up by the site host. It wasn’t imaginable to even expect the team to work over the weekend.
But unexpectedly, I received a text message from our Positivism.ph big boss earlier this afternoon. Positivism teaser page is up! :) I don’t even remember what I replied, because I was on the net within a minute, eager to see what was up. This was exactly what I saw...
To say I was excited was an understatement. I was shaking! I admit, too, I was on the verge of tears, but I told myself “Snap out of it, sissy boy!” I logged on to Yahoo! Messenger and bombarded all my contacts with the great news. One friend who was online thought I made the teaser myself, trying to make sense of my excitement. I said no, but that I was just part of the project. I found E online as well, and was relieved to hear that he was feeling the rush, too. At least I wasn’t being crazy alone.
So there. It took me a couple of hours to calm down enough to start writing this entry. It may be just a teaser, but for me, it’s a ray of hope for those affected by HIV, which is practically everyone.
I doubt if December 1st will see droves of Filipinos coming out to truly celebrate World AIDS Day, but for this pusit, there certainly is much to celebrate. As the teaser says, change is coming.
Go check it out yourselves at http://positivism.ph/ and watch out for more. Help us spread the news, too!
Congratulations, everyone!
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Opposites Attract
Okay, before you think this is anything about sex or dating, stop. No malice, no hard-ons, no orgasms. This is way better!!!
I had taken a leave from work, because November 4th was a big day. Huge! We attended our first meeting yesterday with the rest of the Positivism team in Makati. These were the negative people who were, uhm, thinking positive. These are the people who have been furthering our cause. It was bound to be a wonderful day.
It was E, our resident counselor and I, who represented the poz side of the team. On the ride to their office, at first we were being told by our big boss not to feel awkward around the other people there. I had sedated the loner in me a bit since the night before, and was instead concerned that they would feel awkward around us. There’s only one way to find out, isn’t there?
So we trekked into the office, and sat ourselves down around the conference table. It was quiet, other than the three of us who were chatting the wait away. Okay, it wasn’t quiet-boring, but rather quiet-tranquil. It was comfortable.
It wasn’t long before the observer in me got into gear. Looking around, all I saw were a bunch of guys and gals, faces buried into their computers, all hard at work. I glanced at a board of what seemed to be a rundown of tasks of each person, and man, was it a work load. Noticeably though, the Positivism project wasn’t even on the board, so these people would be working on Positivism in addition to their usual tasks. Amazing.
Shortly after, our big boss came around and called everyone on the team to take a seat at the table. One after the other, seat after seat was taken, and additional chairs even had to be rolled up to the table. At the end of it all, only two people were left at their workstations. I was stunned. All these people are working on this project?! Speechless.
So the meeting ensued, and the ice was broken by our resident counselor, who shared a smidget of her long life living with HIV. Everyone was listening intently, but weren’t exactly wide-eyed or open-mouthed. They understood. I think it just put everyone into the proper perspective as to why this cause was so important. Trust me, tears were shed.
At the end of it all, it was their turn to churn out the ideas they had for the project. And churn out they did. They pitched to us a presentation to promote Positivism, just to see if we had any more input. We were supposed to be the experts on the subject, of course. It must’ve been like designing a terno for Imelda Marcos. Nerve-wracking for them.
But... to say that we approved was an understatement. It was like they knew exactly what we were fighting for, like they knew exactly how we were feeling, like they were reading our minds, like they were taking the words like out of our mouths... and that's a good thing. And taking words out of our mouths isn’t exactly an easy thing to do, mind you.
It was all absolutely amazing. I even reached the point of thinking the only explanation for their knowing us too well was... gasp... they were all HIV positive as well! Okay, so much for my powers of logic. They just really understood the advocacy. Pardon my moments of craziness. Hahaha.
Who knew I’d ever meet anyone who was HIV positive, let alone be one? And who knew I’d end up working so closely and comfortably with others who weren’t? Heaven knows.
So to sum the day up, it was us positives, working with negatives – and working well together at that. We’ve proved that over and above being HIV positive or negative, we are no different. We are all human. And that’s living the exact essence of Positivism.
See, in humans, just like magnets, opposite poles can and do attract... and not to mention bash heads well together. Positivism is green and go!
Saturday, November 01, 2008
Positivism
I’ve teased you a bit in a previous post about it. It had me talking to God and saying Thank You for so many things. It left me excited and inspired. And now, finally, finally, finally, I get to tell you what it’s all about.
When I first found out I was HIV positive, I headed immediately to the net. I knew about HIV even back in high school, but I realized knowing about it was one thing, understanding it was a whole different story. So I got online, trying to find someone, anyone, who had shared his or her story on being HIV positive here in the Philippines. I never knew anyone who was HIV positive. So I searched. But other than some news articles, research papers, and statistics, I came up empty handed.
I felt I was left in the dark, clueless about the road ahead, if there was any. Fortunately, I left myself open to the experience, overcoming the fear of not knowing what lies ahead. And trust me, that’s a big thing for me. I hate surprises. I hate not knowing.
So I wondered. How many others out there wanted or needed to know how it was to be HIV positive in the Philippines? And so, Back In The Closet was born. It started out as an outlet for me, but became a chance for others to learn about HIV in the Philippines. And people do want to know. The HIV positive, the HIV negative, the guys, the gals, the straight, the gay, and even some from overseas were contacting me and thanking me for sharing my journey. At that point, this became my advocacy. Awareness.
Not everyone was pleased with my decision. Some of the pusits were disgusted that I was giving out all this information, treating it like a breach of their privacy. Even the so-called HIV advocacy groups here were in on it. If I was Back In The Closet, they were In The Panic Room. It was sad. No wonder there is so much stigma attached to HIV. The stigma is fueled by the lack of understanding. And how can we expect to be understood, if we don’t share our story?
At first, I felt I was facing the challenge alone. Little did I know, that there was a small group being formed, ready to fight my same battle. And due to some unexpected but fortunate incidents, this very blog brought me to Positivism.
Positivism is an e-magazine – a website about HIV and being HIV positive in the Philippines. Yes, there will be articles on the basics of HIV, but rather than being encyclopedic, it will be a lighter presentation of the facts, to make it easy for anyone, especially the HIV negative and new pozzies, to understand.
These basics will actually take a backseat to the main features, which will be stories about living with HIV – both being infected and affected by HIV. We aim to show that the HIV-positive person is not just someone suffering or bedridden. We want the Philippines to realize that HIV-positive people can continue working, laughing, loving, and living.
I think that’s what makes Positivism different from the other HIV advocacy groups. We don’t just cater to the HIV positive. We aim to help all of the Philippines, and the world, open its eyes to HIV, so they can understand it... and us... better.
Positivism is a project of an advertising and visual design big boss, who is the brain, and not to mention the heart, behind Positivism. He has put his company’s resources into this advocacy, and opened his doors to us, the HIV positive. So yes, we have writers, editors, art directors, photographers, designers, marketing people and every expert there is, working on this project. And yes, it is a collaboration between the HIV positive and the HIV negative. The perfect combination.
Now you know what I’ve been so excited about, and what’s been fuelling my passion lately. We’ve been working hard at meeting our deadlines, and hope to launch in time for World AIDS Day, December 1st.
Fellow blogger Chronicles of E, who was also getting the flack for his advocacy, is in on this, too. We’ll be updating you more about it in the coming weeks.
Watch out for the new brand of HIV advocacy. Stir awareness. Eradicate stigma. Promote POSITIVISM.
