He’s a reader who I met and became friends with. We don’t see each other much though, but we text every so often. I received a call from him a couple of weeks ago. He broke some news. And it was great news. It would be an honor. It would be flattering. It would make me proud. But I was still in disbelief. I needed to see it for myself. Or hear it for myself rather. So I did.
What the frick am I talking about? I was apparently mentioned in a Fabcast, which is a podcast of THE fabulous people, the Fabcasters. And not just any Fabcast, mind you. This was the Fifteen Favorite Blogs of the Fabcasters.
Wehhhhh?! Totoo?
Searching for the entry on the site of ManilaGayGuy, I fortunately found it. So apparently, they listed down fifteen of their favorite blogs – not necessarily the best or the top, just their personal favorites – that are gay-originated or oriented, and definitely Pinoy. Check, and check...
And indeed, I was there, first mentioned! Well, not necessarily because I was the best, or the kulelat at that. I was just lucky to come first in alphabetical order. Hehehe. I’ll take it!
Apparently, it was an AJ who nominated my blog. Not sure if this is “Baklang AJ” of the BaklaAkoMayReklamo blog, who I remember commenting on my past blog entries. Whoever this AJ is, Migs, the ManilaGayGuy reveals him to be an acronym for Ang Jojologs...
I giggle everytime I hear the part where he playfully teases, “Jologs nga!” Hehehe, everytime! EVERYTIME! He took it back anyways, saying, “Magfe-favorite ba tayo ng panget?” Even if he possibly meant it, who cares?! Ain’t nothing wrong about being jologs!
Of course, I didn’t stop the Fabcast after hearing my blog. I was curious who else was on the list. And what good company it was... Here are the other blogs on the list:
BaklangMaton
Chuvaness, apparently a writer of the Philippine Star... Wow!
CityBuoy, who has won at the Philippine Blog Awards
DiscreetManila
HotMenInThePhilippines
FickleCattle, a lawyer by profession... Ooh!
JessicaRulesTheUniverse, no less than Jessica Zafra! Whoa!
Lexuality, director and screenwriter Lex Bonife of Lalake sa Parola and Kambyo, and who I’ve met and yoga-ed with!
MandayaMoore
MisterHubs, the blogger I’ve said in the past I’d like to meet, and have!
TheBaklaReview
TheProfessionalHeckler
Tiggah'sLife, apparently an exhibitionist – interesting – from California
and TristanTales, a friend from Washington DC... but rival for the malibog at malandi throne, hehehe.
Whew! Even if I were actually just the fifteenth ranked, still an honor to be in this list!
Answering why they came up with this list, the Fabcasters say they wish to encourage more people to read these worthy blogs. Naks.
So to Migs the ManilaGayGuy, Gibbs Cadiz, McVie, CC (who I believe is supposed to be CorporateCloset), Tony, and AJ, MARAMING MARAMING SALAMAT! and THANK YOU! and WORLD PEACE!
Listen to the Fabcast here.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Feb & Favorite
Friday, January 07, 2011
Shooting Stars
Okay, fine, so maybe I'm not shooting stars... or any heavenly body for that matter. But how about the Philippine Star? Hmmm, why not?
So Yoga for Life has once again made the pages of a national broadsheet, the Philippine Star specifically. And I sort of got quoted. Not mentioned, but quoted. Considering my last mention was in Abante, I'll take this one.
Yoga for Life, and Living for Yoga
by Audrey N. Carpio
On the first day back from the holidays, my yoga class was expectedly full with new people and their steely resolve to get on the fitness track. As we stretched out our creaky bones, saturated with Christmas fat, and sweated out the hangovers, I once again thought about what it was about yoga that has made me keep coming back to it throughout the years. I was always a nerd, unathletic and gawky, and in high school I would skip PE classes by managing to always have my period. The competitiveness of team sports didn’t appeal to me, and running like a hamster in the gym was boring and tedious. Discovering yoga was somewhat of a breakthrough in my physical routine, mainly because it wasn’t all about the physical. There was a mind-body connection that appealed to my intellectual and spiritual side while also creating a stronger, more toned body. After the last minutes of savasana I would always feel centered and peaceful, free of toxins both physical and emotional. So I wasn’t surprised when I came across yoga for people living with HIV. As a practice with proven physiological and psychological benefits for almost any type of body, it makes perfect sense.
Yoga for Life, a community-based yoga series created by Charmaine Cu-Unjieng, a Yale-educated HIV specialist, and Paulo Leonido, a fitness expert and personal trainer, came together when the two met during yoga teacher training under Roland dela Cruz of Bliss Yoga. Call it dharma. “We were together six days a week for two months. We’re both passionate about HIV. We even have the same birthday,” Charmaine says. “I always wanted to merge the work I had been doing with yoga, and meeting Paolo catalyzed it.”
With her contacts at Echo Yoga, a group that offers alternative classes to niche groups like overweight and older people, and his contacts at Philippine General Hospital and the Research Institute for Tropical Medicine, Charmaine and Paulo developed an Iyengar-based yoga program designed for the needs of people living with HIV and AIDS. Worldwide, yoga is being recognized as an important complementary therapy for immunosuppressed patients. “I have friends living with HIV. I had always wondered, what happens next?” Paulo says. “So we came up with Yoga for Life, which is a non-strenuous, holistic approach to wellness.”
The first couple of months of classes were not so easy, as newcomers had many fears to overcome and needed to grow more comfortable about opening up and talking about HIV. “We didn’t know at first whether to focus on people with HIV, or make it an advocacy against stigma and discrimination, open to everyone. We were also concerned about confidentiality,” says Charmaine. But it has become a safe space: there is no requirement to disclose one’s status, and the classes are indeed open to people with HIV and those who support people with HIV. Ninety percent of the students are gay men, and half of them are estimated to be HIV positive.
In Ayurvedic philosophy, specific poses like inversions are beneficial to the immune system, while backbends stimulate thymus activity and forward bends detoxify the liver. B.K.S. Iyengar, the founder of Iyengar Yoga, outlined a sequence of poses that encourage proper blood circulation and activate glands that are known to regulate the production of T-cells, the body’s army against infections. For people living with HIV, yoga alleviates stress and depression. For those on ARV drugs, yoga helps detoxify their system. After an hour and 15 minutes of asana practice, the students are guided through meditation and breathing techniques, and it is in these moments that yoga becomes its most medicinal. “Our approach is to bring back the inner peace, self love, self empowerment and happiness. You don’t have to be reminded about your sickness,” Charmaine explains.
Feedback and results from students have been encouraging. One student, with a dangerously low CD4 count of 7 (HIV-negative people normally would have 700-1,000 T-cells) was getting sick with opportunistic infections. The doctor advised him to stop exercising. Charmaine and Paulo put him in relaxing poses. He stopped getting fever every day, and started gaining weight and getting stronger. His new CD4 count is unknown, but one can surmise that his stabilized health reflects a higher number of T-cells. Paulo shares that other students are starting to practice on their own, even employing breathing techniques inside taxis when they need to calm down.
With Paulo as a great motivator for the students, keeping in touch with inspirational texts, Yoga for Life has become more than just a place for a judgment-free work out. “Yoga for Life has proven itself to be a real community,” blogged one practitioner who had been living with HIV for three years. “Being with the Yoga for Life community turned out to be the best way to celebrate World AIDS Day. Yes, I dare to use the word ‘celebrate.’ Because gone are the days of World AIDS Day being a commemoration of the lives that had been lost to AIDS. Rather, we should be celebrating. Celebrating life going on in spite of the virus.”
For the new year, Paulo and Charmaine are hoping to scale up their program, introduce fun safer-sex campaigns to spread the message of positive prevention, and find more yoga teachers. As they run it on a volunteer basis and only ask for a suggested donation of P200 per class, the sustainability of Yoga for Life still looms as an issue. But with the energy they give out in service to others, the universe is sure to respond in manifold.
* * *
Yoga for Life is held on Wednesdays, 7 p.m. at 28th Floor Conference Room, Medical Plaza Ortigas Building, San Miguel Avenue, Ortigas, Pasig City, and on Saturdays, 2 p.m. at Echo Yoga Community Center, 9th Floor Penthouse, Century Plaza Building, Perea Street, Legazpi Village, Makati.
Friday, July 09, 2010
The Threesome
There's a threesome happening this weekend.
A threesome of book launches, that is... tsk, tsk, tsk, you and your dirty mind.
From the (dirty?) minds of three renowned bloggers, come three tremendous titles of particularly pink prose.
Now these are the books to break the rules.
From McVie of The McVie Show fame comes The Wetbook: Stories from the Bathhouse, an informative but rather funny take on an otherwise raunchy topic: the subculture of subcultures of gay sex in the bathhouse setting.
From the one and only homo hero, Manila Gay Guy comes Dear Migs: Letters to Manila Gay Guy, a compilation of the most notable letters he received through his blog, which becomes an overwhelming picture of the diverse experiences and emotions of Filipino gay guys, and the people around them.
And last but not least, there’s E's The Chronicles of E, the personal story of a handsome young Pinoy (naks!) who discovers one day that he is infected with HIV, revealing first hand what experiences led him to such life-changing event, and how he currently lives as an HIV-positive gay guy in the Philippines.
Being in the blogging circle, I have met Manila Gay Guy once before, and McVie a couple of times. And then of course, E is practically my BFF. That should be enough reason to get me there.
What would keep me away? Of course, there’s that one little complication about this being another social event... where anti-social me should not really belong. But aside from that, the reality is that seeing the list of people comprising the publishing team, I suddenly realized that one name stood out. It stood out because it was familiar. Lo and behold, it was one of my classmates from high school. Ngarrrr.
So at this point, I’m being brave and saying Bahala na! It’s not like E is gonna be shouting Hoy pusit! as soon as I walk into the room. Or will he? Hahaha. But fine, I still plan on going. Will I be recognized? Will I be asked why I’m there? Will he wonder how I got to know E? BAHALA NA.
As readers of this blog, you are officially part of the blogging community, so you are invited to this momentous event. You’ll get to meet the three bloggers in person... and if you’re smart enough to pick me out of the crowd... hahaha... oh noooo!
The book launch will be tomorrow, July 10th, Saturday, from 4:00 - 7:00pm, at theROOM, Ground Floor, Unit 8802 Crowne 88 Condominium, 88 Panay Avenue, Quezon City. The launch will feature performances, cocktails, and a chance to meet the authors and have the books signed. The threesome of books will be available at the launch in a limited edition box set at PhP450. The books will also be sold individually.
The threesome of books is published by Grey Matter Publishing, and the launch is being held in partnership with The Safety Series, an HIV advocacy campaign.
See you there!
Monday, June 08, 2009
Clipped At The Hip
It was Saturday again. And for the second week in a row, it was not to be my usually boring Saturday spent at home. It was TristanTales’ despedida. A sendoff. A going-away party. Another chance to show my social ineptitude. But I was darn excited.
And I wasn’t the only one. Hehe.
Arriving at Shangri-la at 4:00 pm and with RubyPurple still stuck in traffic, I held out for as long as I could, completely paranoid and wary of all the guys cruising the mall. I was not in a cruisy mood, nor was I looking for a pre-party date, other than RubyPurple, that is. So after fending off a couple of guys who were intent on making their interests known, I was relieved to get a Save na kita. Andito na ako. message from her.
After a little snack along with a lot of catching up, we got permission from TristanTales to head to the venue... categorically, fashionably early. Okay, fine, we were just too excited to wait.
There were already two other guests there when we arrived. At that point we got comfy on the couch in front of the tellie. Little did we know, we had marked our territory for the evening.
One by one guests started to arrive. One by one by one by one. I estimate there were up to thirty of us there at some point of the evening. I tried to recall everyone’s names and blogs, but it was just an information overload. But lemme try at least.
Of course, BackInTheCloset, RubyPurple, JohnStanley, TristanTales, and TurismoBoi were present. Also there were ClosetGeek, Joaqui, DoctorMcFitch, DocMike, and MkSurf8. Making appearances were ManilaGayGuy, McVie, HerbsD, GibbsCadiz, and AkoSiAris. Also In attendance were WanderingCommuter, MugenBlue, CorporateCloset, Jaybeecc, and JamieDaVinci. There was DatsWhy, PugNosedFreakazoid, ManilaBitch, MrScheez, MrKumplikado and... hingal... wala, I lost it. I apologize to those I’ve failed to mention or gotten confused about. Tao lang po.
It was a bit weird when introductions were called for, as everyone got named according to their blog personas. But what about me? Was I ready to be outed as the HIV-positive blogger? I really had no problem with it. As always, the less I knew a person, the easier it was to disclose.
Some had heard of either this blog or Positivism, and one had even seen the Think Positive documentary of GMA. For some, it may have been the first time they would be meeting someone living with HIV. It was funny how I needed to egg one guy on with Sige! Sabihin mo! as he found it so awkward to even say the letters H, I and V. I did eventually answer some queries, but never forgot I was just there as a guest on TristanTales’ night, and not exactly planning on turning it into an HIV 101 seminar.
I really believe my advocacy for the night was, more than anything I may have said, my mere presence as an HIV-positive person in a completely normal, social setting. When GibbsCadiz said that I looked very healthy, I just said thank you, but knew it was a good thing for me and my ego, as well as for others living with HIV as I stood to give a less dismal face to the virus, and for those who weren’t quite aware of the grim reality that You just can never can tell.
Anyway, back to me and my girl... I’m not sure at what point it happened, but RubyPurple and I made a silent pact... a pact to be a couple for the night. Eating together, drinking together, even bathroom breaks together... okay, maybe not that much of a couple... but I don’t think we were apart for even five minutes of the whole six-plus hours we were there.
We were each other’s security blankets. We had our arms around each other, were holding hands, and may just have been sweeter than the few couples that were present. Trust me, the rainbow coalition may just have been ready to disown me right then and there. But I didn’t care. We were clipped at the hip.
It might take a couple of days before the mold of my ass fades away from that couch, but it’s alright. I got to hang out with old friends, meet new ones, and most of all, I got to spend time with my gal. Nope, no chills down my spine as I say it.
Of course, this was a fabulous gathering of bloggers of all shapes and sizes... I was square and malnourished, of course... from wacky to quacky... I apologize, that should've been Joaqui, but would not have made much difference... and of every color of the rainbow, that only the TristanTales could pull off or be worthy of. So I say... thanks and have a safe trip, TristanTales! Goodbye... for now.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Happy Positiversary!
How time flies. Today is my 1st Positiversary! Three hundred sixty five days since I was told I was HIV-positive. Would you believe that it’s been a year? A year since finding out I’m HIV-positive. A year since my life was thrown into a frenzy. A year since I wondered if I’d even be alive for another year. Almost a year since I started broadcasting my new positive life through my blog.
Thinking back to that very day that I got my test results telling me I was HIV-positive, I remember not being able to do much at work. I was at my desk, but was really more preoccupied with learning what I could about HIV. I’d already heard about HIV since back in high school, but more than the scientific blur that I already knew, I needed to know how it was to actually live with HIV.
I’d gotten to a number of sites that had the information I needed, but none were in the context that I was looking for. They were all sites on living with HIV in other countries – useful somehow, of course. But nothing about the Philippines, where conditions might be different, resources might be different, acceptance might be different, and support might be different. Not knowing anyone personally who was living with HIV in the Philippines, I needed to know if there were any. I needed to read their story. I needed to know how difficult the road ahead of me was going to be. I needed to know how they were living, if there were any living at all.
And so I searched, and searched, and searched, and came up with hardly anything. There were just loads of statistics, and a couple of blogs written by HIV-positive Filipinos who were residing in other countries. Still not what I was looking for. It was then that I decided that I may as well be the first.
Considering that I was choosing to go through my HIV journey without the support of my family and friends, more than half my purpose was that I needed an outlet for sanity’s sake. I needed to speak my mind, regardless of who was listening, but at the same time stay anonymous to keep the paranoia at bay. The rest of me wanted to do it thinking that someday, someone like me might want to know the story of someone living in the Philippines with HIV.
Initially, realizing that I was being read was humbling enough. I don’t know how they stumbled onto my blog, but most of those who started following my story were actually people of other nationalities – some of whom hadn’t even heard of the Philippines before. I acknowledge I’m not exactly the perfect poster boy to put the Philippines on the map. But I think that support was what I needed, coming from people who were already relatively open-minded about HIV. I believe they were the ones who gave me the initial inertia to keep blogging, and keep living.
Eventually, evidenced by the comments being left, more Filipino readers came plopping onto my blog, and some, I think, have been following it religiously. The positive to the negative, male to female, gay to straight, local to those abroad, and from those who were making themselves known to those who chose to remain anonymous. It was then that I realized that everyone was affected by HIV. As in everyone.
Of course, things haven’t all been peachy with blogging. I’ve been criticized before, by the very HIV advocacy groups that should have been making the HIV journey less of a mystery, for being too open about my plight with HIV, as it was allegedly threatening the discretion of others who were living with it. Being told that I was just too new at it to understand the consequences of my actions just went against my natural logic altogether. I never understood why keeping the names of doctors, nurses and treatment hubs secret was helpful to anyone.
By now, I think they’ve realized they won’t scare me away that easily. I can only hope that the passion with which I tell my story has proved to those skeptical HIV-positives that I am no fly-by-night blogger, and that I mean no harm in telling my story. Did they want me to show a more kawawa image of a pusit? I don’t know, and I hope not. By now, their protests have died down, and maybe they’re even wondering why they didn’t think of doing this themselves in the first place.
Almost a year and over a hundred blog entries since I started, Back In The Closet will spin off onto a parallel course, as Positivism.ph adopts this B.I.T.C.H. as one of its resident bloggers. It shouldn’t be any different, just like putting my blog on steroids. Roarrr!
And so a year since it started, my HIV story goes on. It goes on for those who live with HIV. It goes on for those who await their own results. It goes on for those who are thinking of getting tested. It goes on, even for those who are just thinking about taking the risk. It goes on for those who are affected by HIV, which, in reality, is everyone. I remain... Back In The Closet.
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
The TV Virgin
Yesterday was it. The day I was to be interviewed. I was to lose my virginity. Again. I had fled work half an hour early just to make sure I made call time for the interview. Though I did try to make a joke out of it, considering that it would just be the back of my head or my silhouette that would be seen, I thought it pointless to go have my hair and makeup done. Teehee.
Shortly past 8:00 pm, I was out on the corner of so-and-so, waiting for the unmarked vehicle to pick me up. After a few minutes, some flashing lights told me it was them. When the door slid open, I was surprised to see J, one of the poz guys I had met at the RITM Christmas party and who I’d been chatting with since. J had gotten interviewed earlier that afternoon, but I didn’t expect to see him there.
To make a long story short, all I could say was "Oh, you’re here!" I swear I was surprised. And I hate surprises. I know J will kill me when he reads this, but I bit my tongue to keep from running away. I’m sorry if it makes me seem like such a bad friend, I’m just being honest.
On the ride to his place, G, the researcher who had pulled me into this thing, was even more paranoid than I was, pointing out how I could possibly be recognized by the pair of shorts I was wearing, my watch, and even my pinky ring. But really, at this point, having put so much of me out there through this blog, that was really the least of my concerns.
Getting there and waiting a few minutes, GMA host Vicky Morales walked in. After introductions all around, Vicky... naks, first-name basis... okay, Ms. Morales... showered us with a bit of flattery, saying how good J and I both looked. If I wasn’t so dark, they’d probably seen me blushing. Accepting compliments is not one of my strong points. She was also particularly pleased to realize that I was behind this Back In The Closet blog, which she’d apparently read from cover to cover. She praised my writing, and I just recalled what G taught me, and said thank you. I swear I blushed again.
With that out of the way, I was pleased to realize there was no hostility between us. Of course worst case would’ve been that they kidnap me or torture me for the stuff I’ve said here about other shows and people from GMA, or at least some bitch-slapping and hair-grabbing ensue. But really there was none of that sort of thing, and they proved that they were not the enemy. A big Whew! from me.
Being purposely pulled in for being the HIV-positive blogger, the interview commenced, with me seated askew on an ottoman in front of G’s laptop, with Vicky seated on my right side. I didn’t see exactly how the shot was framed, but the camera was behind me, and lights were on the wall in front of me, and on Ms. Morales.
Before starting, Ms. Morales brought up the excellent question of what she should call me. I hadn’t given it prior thought so I fumbled. She suggested I use the alias I use here. But when I posed my question, B.I.T.C.H.?, she jokingly playing out a few questions calling me B.I.T.C.H. and thought otherwise.
It was awkward enough having cameras and lights glaring down on me, bracing myself for what unexpected questions they’d have for me, groping a laptop which was beyond my intellectual capacity, sweating like ice on a hot summer day and practical strangers listening to me tell my story, but honestly having J there to witness it all wasn’t much help. I felt like I was in a beauty pageant, being the last contestant pulled out of the isolation booth, eyes burning holes in the back of my neck. I know, I’m sorry, I’m too transparent.
Anyways, in as much as I wouldn’t want to preempt how exactly the interview went, I really couldn’t, because with all the unease I was feeling, I was half conscious, half unconscious, and half self-conscious. See, there was so much of me I was bursting at the seams! I don’t remember exactly what happened, or maybe I choose not to. But I do hope I got some of my message across.
The interview ended with me as the only hitch. I felt pathetic getting to the part where they were supposed to film me doing things I normally do at home. I don’t normally sketch. I don’t normally play any musical instrument. Yes, I’m that boring. Well maybe not, but home is not exactly the best place to play sports, nor was it the best time. I eat. I work. I sleep. The rest of what I normally do at home might just get shot down by the censors. So what did I end up doing? I washed. Yes, I washed. I washed my hands. I washed my face. And I washed some dishes, to G’s utmost delight, of course. Fine, fine, portray me as the domesticated BITCH.
Finally, it was done. Some pizza arrived for us to chow down on, at which point Ms. Morales chose to be motherly, practically shoving three slices down my gut. She was being nice and she was really nice, don’t get me wrong, but I was stuffed! Before long, she had to go to catch her evening newscast at the GMA Complex, and left us with beso-besos all around.
After being a bit of a cause of delay, struggling to get that last slice down, the rest of us left and got schoolbussed to our respective destinations. Home around midnight, it took me a couple of hours for the adrenaline to die down, and I think I fell asleep at around 1:30 in the morning.
Fine, so maybe confidence isn’t one of my strong points, but I’ll get over whatever embarrassment I caused myself last night. I just need to focus on my advocacy, and on the fact that I’m sharing my story for the greater good. Either that... or I do something more embarrassing to cover it up. Geesh. More updates on the documentary later. Ciao!
Saturday, December 06, 2008
Coming Clean
Finally, I can write about R. We’d met the first and only time earlier this year, when a common friend of ours organized a threesome. My friend and I drove to R’s place, and roarrr, I liked him. He was my type: manly, mature, smart, and very dominant. But being an expert at threesomes, I always make sure the guys I’m with get their fair share of the action. So we did the deed.
R and I kept in touch after that, but before there was any opportunity for us to meet again, I found out that I was HIV positive. And for lack of having an excuse to see him again, I told him.
This thing with R sounds similar with my thing with Mojo, but it was more complicated. Why? Even R doesn’t know this yet, and he’ll be finding out for the first time from this blog entry. That one time we had sex happened on April 7th, while I was waiting for the results of my HIV test. It was after March 31st, when my blood sample was taken, and before April 16th when I got my results. I’m not proud and I realize now how lackadaisical I really was about getting tested.
R basically didn’t take the news of my being poz too well. I knew from the way he bombarded me with messages and questions that he was panicking. And as it was at a time when I myself was in a chaotic state of mind, I didn’t know how to calm him down. He got tested almost as soon as I told him, and it came up negative. But we both knew that wasn’t enough.
It was such a small HIV world, that he found this blog shortly after, probably in the midst of his panic. He even asked me point blank if I knew the guy who was writing it. I denied, of course. And with the truth being in this blog, I had to change my story with him: when I got tested, when I got my results, my age, and even my birthdate. Talk about paranoia, huh? That's why I never wrote about R, because he'd find out it was me.
I was witness to how hard it was for him to spend the next few months just waiting for the window period to expire. And for those next few months, he never stopped bugging me, until I just chose to stop replying to his messages altogether, mostly because I felt he was just dragging me down with him into depression. I knew I held some responsibility for his dilemma, but needed to help myself before anyone else.
So we lost touch, or at least I did, until that fateful day that he sent me a message after the window period passed, saying his HIV retest just turned up negative. I’m sure I heaved a sigh of relief that time and congratulated him. I think his reply was something to the tune of he’ll still be there for me, but I never held him to that promise, not after I dropped him like a hot potato in his own time of need.
So months and months passed, but I do recall getting messages from R. It wasn’t that often, probably just once every other month, asking how I was doing. I’d reply, but still felt too guilty to take too much of his time.
Up until last week, when he sent his usual how-are-you-doing-buddy, which he followed up with asking if he could call so we could talk. I was hesitant, because I didn’t feel worthy of his care and his time. I was also worried because I couldn’t remember all the details of the story I’d fabricated to cover myself up. But I gave in after a few more messages, sent him my number, and we talked.
R started out asking how I was, then moving on to more personal stuff about my family, work and other stuff. I was on to him. He was checking my story out. So I decided, fine, it’s time to come clean. I answered all his questions with utmost truth, completely aware that these same details could be found littered in this blog. I honestly had a smirk on my face talking with him, as if we were playing Pinoy Henyo.
We continued our conversation the next day, which was when, upon being asked again, I finally admitted to being the owner of this blog. It was liberating, probably even for him. He told me he’d been following this blog religiously, never forgetting the suspicion he had all along that it was me. I thanked him, and surprisingly, he thanked me too. He thanked me for triggering this phase in his life, where, as he said, he realized and learned a lot.
Although I'm wondering whether my admission changed his view of me as a person, or whether it changed his view of the PinoyPoz or B.I.T.C.H. writing this blog, either way, I was just appreciative of the time he took to salvage what he could out of our friendship. I know you’re reading this, R. Thanks for listening to – and reading – my story. And thanks for still being a friend. This is just filthy old me, finally coming clean.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
What About Me?!
The past few posts have all been about Baby Nathan. Baby Nathan, Baby Nathan, Baby Nathan. It’s all been about Baby Nathan.
What about me? I have HIV too, you know? How have I been doing? This is my blog, remember?
Okay, since you asked, I’ll tell you. It’s been seven months since I found out I’m HIV positive. I’ve been on anti-retrovirals or ARVs for the past three months. And I’m doing pretty good.
My weight is steady at around 140 pounds. No other allergic reactions to my ARVs. I’m due for another Quantitative RPR test in December, to make sure my Syphilis has gone or is going away.
My last test results came out a month ago, which was a Hepatitis B viral load count. I didn’t know what to think when I saw the result was over 100,000 units per milliliter. I was just relieved it was far from the maximum detectable level, which was in the hundreds of millions of units per milliliter. And showing it to the doctor at the RITM, she kept me for under a minute, pointing out it was just a baseline count to begin with. She reassured me that two of my three ARVs were acting against the Hepa B virus as well, which I knew already from doing research. She told me I’d need to redo the test six months after, in March, which I’m not exactly looking forward to, because it cost me over PhP 5,000.00. But considering all the other freebies I’m getting, it’s not that bad. I just need to start saving up for it little by little.
I had a bad cold again a couple of weeks ago. No thanks to my mom, who doesn’t have enough etiquette to cover her mouth when she coughs, nor to my boss, who just won’t take a break from work to get well no matter how bad her flu, nor to my selfish colleague at work, who would rather have everyone else freeze to death from the air-conditioning than turn an electric fan her way, just to douse her hot flashes and cool her menopausal vajayjay. Geesh. Fortunately I’ve recovered without having to medicate further. I did notice though, that whenever I get sick like that, it manifests further in the form of breakouts on my face. How bad is it? Let’s just say a colleague of mine wanted to play connect-the-dots on my face. Argh.
All this ranting might just take its toll on my CD4 Count, so you know what... I should get back to talking about Baby Nathan instead. Here’s the latest update.
Another donor sent a bit of money for the medicines and supplies of the baby. I was meaning to go sometime this weekend, so I called Ate yesterday to find out what exactly he needed. She said the baby was doing fine, and fortunately, so much help has been pouring in directly, that the baby still had enough of everything he needed. So she told me to hold on to the money in the meantime, and that she’d send me a text message if some sort of a need for it came up. She did mention that the mom has started working somewhere, and was already able to support the family’s needs when it came to food. Still no final word on when exactly they’re gonna get discharged.
So there, let’s end this on a positive note, and leave it at that. Thanks for letting me rant. Hahaha, like you have a choice. Let’s just all enjoy what’s left of the weekend. Ciao!
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Blog or Not?
To blog or not to blog? That seems to be the question. I never realized how far my humble blog had reached until I personally heard some feedback from people who didn’t know that it was me. Unfortunately it was negative feedback.
They say I have given away to many details in this blog. Hmm. My mind raced trying to recall each and every entry I did. I know I never identified any other clients by name or any really distinguishing characteristics. Remember, I’m still trying to work on the rest of my alphabet friends.
Hell, if there’s any identity I’ve been giving away, it’s my own! If someone who knows me well enough puts all the little puzzle pieces together, he or she would know it was me no doubt!
Apparently, my giving away details on the hospitals and the doctors scares some pozzies. They’re afraid that if someone who reads my blog hears them talking about this doctor and that, and this hospital and that, then they’d automatically get linked to HIV and get outed. Hmm, and I thought I was paranoid.
Even the disclosure of the meaning of the term pusit was mentioned as foul, but that would no longer be solely in my hands, as it had been used and defined in news articles and television documentaries long before I was one.
Hearing all that just startled me, and really got me thinking about this blog. I had never meant for it to be a nuisance to my kind.
I thought this would be my outlet. I thought it would be a means of sharing what I am going through. I thought it would help people understand the importance of knowing your status. I thought it would emphasize the value of playing safe and staying negative. I thought that it would dispel the fears of others like me who live with HIV, but feel they are alone. I thought it would help those that are too afraid to start their own HIV journeys. I thought that it would open up our lives to others, towards more knowledge, support and understanding. I thought that it would show that we are not suffering from HIV, but rather living with it.
Personally, I think there are a lot more important things to deal with, than always having to worry about who hears what, and what that stranger thinks. The discretion of your conversations after all, will always be under your control. It must really be funny to hear all this from a self-confessed paranoid freak as myself.
So anyway, here’s my compromise. I’ve edited all my entries, removing all the doctors’ names, except those at the Social Hygiene Clinic of the Manila Health Department, because they actually WANT people to see them and get tested. The hospital names, I’ll have to keep, because I really think it would be a huge help for pozzies like me to know their options through my experiences. How I wish I had some references to guide me through the early days of my journey. It just so happened I was lucky enough to meet the right people. Others might not be that lucky.
Oh, and about the pusit thing, blame the Inquirer and ABS-CBN.
I can’t take back what I’ve written before, nor erase what people have already read. Albeit I be Will Smith in Men In Black and use my Neuralyzer to zap all those memories away.
It’s been one thing for me to lock myself in my closet, and another thing for the rest of the world to scare me into a corner. But it feels as if someone just like me just hooked the latch… from outside! Suddenly the World Wide Web feels so limiting.
I know, I know, it’s the stigma connected to HIV that those like me are afraid of. But it’s precisely the lack of knowledge due to it being such a huge taboo that fuels that stigma. Hopefully the time will come when we can openly talk about this without the fear of being burned at the stake.
But for now, I humbly submit and bid goodnight. But fear not, my story shall continue... tomorrow.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
The Buzz!
It’s been almost three months since I started this blog. I admit I’m not blogging as often as before, but probably because I’d been dealing with blow after blow of new discoveries, new issues, new problems, and new learnings, especially back in May. My learning curve has tapered off a bit by this time, but I know more is to come.
I was so shocked when I received my first comment from you guys on this blog. I never thought I’d get any feedback, let alone any readers. At this point, three months after, I probably have almost every sort of reader I could get. Every kind of person, from the poz and the not, from in and around the Philippines to beyond our humble shores, and from guys I’ve actually had the chance to meet to those who chose to peep from behind anonymity.
Initially blogging seemed to be a one way thing, where I bombard you with my information, and stuff it all down your gut. But it has evolved into more. So much in fact, that the online interactions I’ve made here have needed to break through the confines of the blogging world, and have spun off onto the e-mail, sms and instant messaging networks.
So this is for those who want to get in touch with me through IM. I’ve put a widget on my sidebar which will show if I’m online on Yahoo! Messenger or not. I tested it out a bit before finally putting it up, and so far it works fine.
Right now, I am 
I realize it’s pretty ironic for me to be treading the line that separates anonymity from notoriety, but I’m taking the risk of outing myself to maybe be of assistance to others who need support, sympathy, knowledge, or maybe even just entertainment.
I know at times I’ve been doubted, contradicted and maybe even dissed, but I’m just thankful for the time that’s been taken to hear my little story. Because in spite of that, I value most the sympathy and support that I get from you guys… it’s absolutely overwhelming. So if you wanna get in touch with me for anything… anything at all… just drop me a Buzz!
Three months doesn’t sound like much, but it’s been 90 days of introspection and being thankful for everything good I have. This blog has made my life a bit easier to live. So actually, more than being 90 days of keeping this blog alive, it’s more like this blog has been keeping me alive.
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
Speaking Up
I'm certainly the type of person who accepts criticism well. Hell, I spend most of my life laughing at myself. That's not bad, it's fun. I live on humility, and that's one thing I'm proud of.
When I started this blog, there was always the option not to allow comments to be posted on my entires. But hey, why the hell wouldn't I? Even now, each comment left has an option for me to delete it, something that I don't think I'll do unless it's something really really offensive or irrelevant.
So with that said, I'm not planning on deleting any comments posted... But that doesn't mean I can't react. Hehehe.
This morning, I opened the day with three new comments left on one of my entries, apparently by one and the same person. I just felt the need to... uhm, I don't know what better word to use... defend myself. Okay, maybe clarify would be a good word. So here goes my... clarification.
Anonymous said...
i am positive too, and i am very happy when the doctor told me that im positive. i didnt flt bad or had a regret for all the things ive doned. coz it has doned. so now, im on the stage of exploring things in life. the way you address your blog. it seems until now you still not accepted the gift you have.
by the way im from quezon city also. im 25 when i found out that im positive and now im 28. i told it to my frend when i realized that im positive. thats why sometimes, i have the time to share my life with her if i need to. coz i you need someone who can be there for you if you need somebody to cry on. somebody will say to you. "IKAW KASI" you know that. its more happier if someone will address it to you and made you realized that life is so great. so have a friend.
if you need someone to talked to. im here. hehehe. but i know you will keep it to yourself about that gift. remember its not a disease its a gift. you should be the first one to accept urself before someone will accept u. ako ung anonymous lahat sa blog mo
And PinoyPoz says...
Okay, I admit I wasn't exactly ecstatic to find out I was HIV positive, I mean honestly, who would be? But I was far from being depressed. Surprised a bit maybe... but I've been dealing with it.
Regret is not something I normally have, I'm not the type. I think I've mentioned that in one of my earlier entries. The nearest thing to regret that I feel right now is due to the reality of the possibility that I may have brought harm to those that I have encountered. I would rather die to keep them safe.
I can honestly say that I have not shed a single tear of sadness since I found out that I was poz. Just please hold the sappy song and the mushy movies, okay? As such, I haven't even considered the need to have a friend to be my shoulder to cry on. Why cry? Life is great! And I knew that long before I found out I was poz, and not because someone told me. :-)
Living with HIV still remains something that one cannot brag about or be proud of. Not in this world that's been brewed by generations that lack understanding, and that foster stigma and discrimination for our kind. So until the world has a major attitude change, or the self-righteous die out, confidentiality and anonymity are my friends.
HIV is a disease, but I regard it as a blessing. I mentioned it before in an earlier post. It's not normal to have HIV, but it's not abnormal. It's not ordinary. It's extraordinary. I'm special. And it's an honor to be able to share my life with you.
So there. I'm just not sure who misunderstood who. If Anonymous was reading the same blog I was writing. If he or she didn't read from the beginning. If some things were getting lost in translation.
I admit I'm no expert on living with HIV, but then give me a break. I'm just barely two months into this, I still have a lot to learn, but I think I've been doing great for a beginner. My whole HIV life is unfolding through this blog, so you tell me how I'm doing. If this isn't accepting it, I don't know what else is.
Klaro? Hehehe...
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Makeover
As you can see, this blog has been going through some major changes. I’ve been experimenting. Trial and error, just as I live my life. My bit of knowledge in web design has allowed me some freedom to tweak. Color scheme is new. Fonts are new. My banner is new. Even my picture is new. This is a sign that I’m really dedicated to keeping, maintaining and improving this site for everyone who remains interested. Odd, isn’t it, that I’m not focusing on HIV this time?
I’ve been undergoing a makeover myself… subconsciously. I mean, it was one big change to discover that I had HIV, but right now, I realize that I’ve adjusted. From the shocked, paranoid, jittery, worried me, I am now more subdued, relaxed, and eager to learn and share. Extremely optimistic. Happy. Back to my old self actually, but in an HIV positive way.
I’ve been getting back in touch with friends. I’ve been interacting a bit more. Hell, I’ll admit, I’ve even been on a trip to the pharmacy… of all things, to buy condoms. I know! What the fuck?!
The change in my color scheme I think can sum it all up. I’m a very visual person. And I live a colorful life. I love most colors, but most especially reds, blues and blacks.
My blog colors before were high contrasts between white, black and shocking reds. Extremely harsh. Code red always came to my mind when I’d surf this blog, which was exactly me. On red alert because of my HIV.
Now, I’ve realized that things aren’t all that bad. HIV is not my entirety. It is only part of who I am. And our eyes now swim in cool blues floating in a dark sea, punctuated occasionally by shades of red.
That’s exactly me, or how I want to be. HIV positive, but cool about it.
Give me some feedback. This blog is, after all, for everyone. This is our blog.
Monday, May 19, 2008
The LGBT Bloggers List
The Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgendered Bloggers List, or LGBT Bloggers List for short. I found this bloglist online sometime ago, and just tried to get myself on the list. To my surprise, the blog owner Sh@ney not only included me in the list, but also featured my blog in an entry he made! Thank you, thank you, thank you Sh@ney! Such a warm welcome for me into the bloggers circle.
The LGBT Bloggers List features an updated listing of bloggers and their blogsites, all created by members of the LGBT community.
The blogroll is on the blog's side panel, and all blogs are put into categories, such as by orientation like Gay Male, Lesbian Blogs, Transgender, and Bisexual Blogs, content such as Parenting, Gay Art & Poetry, Community, Entertainment, Fashion & Shopping, Photography, Travel, Health and Adult, and by regions, such as Australian, Spain, Mixed Language, Chinese, French, Asian, and even a category dedicated to Pinoys!
Why be a part of the LGBT Bloggers List?
You might not find my blog under the Pinoy category, rather with the other HIV/AIDS Related blogs. I hope this means that my blog caters to an audience beyond just the Philippines. Wow...
I am proud to be a Blogger. Even more proud to be an LGBT Blogger. Check us out at http://lgbtbloggers.blogspot.com/. It feels nice to belong.
