Yesterday was it. The day I was to be interviewed. I was to lose my virginity. Again. I had fled work half an hour early just to make sure I made call time for the interview. Though I did try to make a joke out of it, considering that it would just be the back of my head or my silhouette that would be seen, I thought it pointless to go have my hair and makeup done. Teehee.
Shortly past 8:00 pm, I was out on the corner of so-and-so, waiting for the unmarked vehicle to pick me up. After a few minutes, some flashing lights told me it was them. When the door slid open, I was surprised to see J, one of the poz guys I had met at the RITM Christmas party and who I’d been chatting with since. J had gotten interviewed earlier that afternoon, but I didn’t expect to see him there.
To make a long story short, all I could say was "Oh, you’re here!" I swear I was surprised. And I hate surprises. I know J will kill me when he reads this, but I bit my tongue to keep from running away. I’m sorry if it makes me seem like such a bad friend, I’m just being honest.
On the ride to his place, G, the researcher who had pulled me into this thing, was even more paranoid than I was, pointing out how I could possibly be recognized by the pair of shorts I was wearing, my watch, and even my pinky ring. But really, at this point, having put so much of me out there through this blog, that was really the least of my concerns.
Getting there and waiting a few minutes, GMA host Vicky Morales walked in. After introductions all around, Vicky... naks, first-name basis... okay, Ms. Morales... showered us with a bit of flattery, saying how good J and I both looked. If I wasn’t so dark, they’d probably seen me blushing. Accepting compliments is not one of my strong points. She was also particularly pleased to realize that I was behind this Back In The Closet blog, which she’d apparently read from cover to cover. She praised my writing, and I just recalled what G taught me, and said thank you. I swear I blushed again.
With that out of the way, I was pleased to realize there was no hostility between us. Of course worst case would’ve been that they kidnap me or torture me for the stuff I’ve said here about other shows and people from GMA, or at least some bitch-slapping and hair-grabbing ensue. But really there was none of that sort of thing, and they proved that they were not the enemy. A big Whew! from me.
Being purposely pulled in for being the HIV-positive blogger, the interview commenced, with me seated askew on an ottoman in front of G’s laptop, with Vicky seated on my right side. I didn’t see exactly how the shot was framed, but the camera was behind me, and lights were on the wall in front of me, and on Ms. Morales.
Before starting, Ms. Morales brought up the excellent question of what she should call me. I hadn’t given it prior thought so I fumbled. She suggested I use the alias I use here. But when I posed my question, B.I.T.C.H.?, she jokingly playing out a few questions calling me B.I.T.C.H. and thought otherwise.
It was awkward enough having cameras and lights glaring down on me, bracing myself for what unexpected questions they’d have for me, groping a laptop which was beyond my intellectual capacity, sweating like ice on a hot summer day and practical strangers listening to me tell my story, but honestly having J there to witness it all wasn’t much help. I felt like I was in a beauty pageant, being the last contestant pulled out of the isolation booth, eyes burning holes in the back of my neck. I know, I’m sorry, I’m too transparent.
Anyways, in as much as I wouldn’t want to preempt how exactly the interview went, I really couldn’t, because with all the unease I was feeling, I was half conscious, half unconscious, and half self-conscious. See, there was so much of me I was bursting at the seams! I don’t remember exactly what happened, or maybe I choose not to. But I do hope I got some of my message across.
The interview ended with me as the only hitch. I felt pathetic getting to the part where they were supposed to film me doing things I normally do at home. I don’t normally sketch. I don’t normally play any musical instrument. Yes, I’m that boring. Well maybe not, but home is not exactly the best place to play sports, nor was it the best time. I eat. I work. I sleep. The rest of what I normally do at home might just get shot down by the censors. So what did I end up doing? I washed. Yes, I washed. I washed my hands. I washed my face. And I washed some dishes, to G’s utmost delight, of course. Fine, fine, portray me as the domesticated BITCH.
Finally, it was done. Some pizza arrived for us to chow down on, at which point Ms. Morales chose to be motherly, practically shoving three slices down my gut. She was being nice and she was really nice, don’t get me wrong, but I was stuffed! Before long, she had to go to catch her evening newscast at the GMA Complex, and left us with beso-besos all around.
After being a bit of a cause of delay, struggling to get that last slice down, the rest of us left and got schoolbussed to our respective destinations. Home around midnight, it took me a couple of hours for the adrenaline to die down, and I think I fell asleep at around 1:30 in the morning.
Fine, so maybe confidence isn’t one of my strong points, but I’ll get over whatever embarrassment I caused myself last night. I just need to focus on my advocacy, and on the fact that I’m sharing my story for the greater good. Either that... or I do something more embarrassing to cover it up. Geesh. More updates on the documentary later. Ciao!
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
The TV Virgin
Monday, January 19, 2009
Sex After HIV
How time flies. I’ve been officially HIV positive for the past nine months now. It’s still quite overwhelming how so many people are interested in how it is to be living with HIV. Overwhelming, but reassuring. I usually get asked questions like How are you coping?, What were your symptoms?, Why did you get tested?, Where did you get it?, and so on, and so forth. But so far, the most intriguing question for most seems to be How is your sex life now?
So once and for all, let’s tackle that question. So how is my sex life now? My usual answer, which is the most concise and honest I can give, is Surprisingly, not zero. I know! Gasps all around, right? But that’s the truth.
When I found out I was HIV positive back in April, I was still certainly having sex for the next couple of weeks. Let’s just say I needed to fulfill my prior commitments. But certainly, everything was kept safe.
I did eventually need to get out of meeting those guys who had gotten used to having unprotected sex with me. My alibis included reasons like I wasn’t feeling well, I needed to be home early, I needed to work overtime, or at some point even claiming to be seeing someone exclusively. Yes, that many different alibis, and more.
Meeting new guys was kept to a minimum, mostly because I was still dealing with the HIV thing internally. For the new guys I’d meet, one requirement would be that they adhered strictly to having safe sex. That way, I didn’t need to convince them once we met. I never liked using condoms, so for the first time in history, I knew I was keeping the condom industry alive.
I had mellowed down so much that, upon finding out that a poz friend of mine was part of an orgy one night, I became so disappointed that I went out looking for some action of my own that same night. It was an If-you-can-do-it-so-can-I thing. I know, I was acting like I was such an angel when I really wasn’t. But it was just an outburst of emotion at the time.
Since that time, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I can still have sex. My libido is still alive. I actually think it’s gotten worse, and I’m not sure if it’s just a side effect of the ARVs. In truth, since finding out I had HIV, I’ve already managed to have sex with 20 different guys. What?! Twenty?! Sound like a lot? Not really, compared to the almost 100 different guys I had sex with during the same period a year before. That should put things into perspective.
Of those 20 different guys, only one of them knew I was HIV positive before we had sex. Deny as we all may, the stigma attached to HIV is still there, which makes it such a mood killer. And I was able to tell that one person, only because he was also HIV positive. And just to make things clear, NO, IT WAS NOT E!
And one more admission, I’ve had bareback sex with one of those 20 guys. What?! Unprotected sex?! Gasps again. Fortunately, it was with that one poz guy as well. I know, I know, poz on poz action is still not safe when done unprotected. But we both knew that. And we still did it, and had no regrets. Not even when we did it a second time. C’mon, give us a break! Anyway, I think we agreed that we’d use protection next time. Still can’t wait!
Okay, one last confession, I think I've completely lost the New Virginity of it all. I sort of started the year out with a bang. A gang bang. Four versus one, just after New Year. What?! OMG! It was at that time that I was reminded that I treat sex as my form of addiction. The vice I run to when I get depressed. And if you recall, New Years Day did leave me down in the dumps. So I drowned my sorrows away with sex. I know it’s not an excuse. But rest assured, it was surely, purely safe.
So there. That’s what my sex life has been like since finding out I was HIV positive. Relatively decent, but still far from being dead. I know some of you are still picking your jaws up off the floor. But hey, go ahead, cast your stones. It wouldn’t be the Human Immunodeficiency Virus if I wasn’t human. And that’s exactly what I am. Just human.
Monday, October 06, 2008
The New Virginity
I met a new friend this week, a fellow pozzie. So I got to treat myself to a bit of a social life, something that I’d set aside a bit for a while now.
The day was laden with such lively conversation, probably because, needless to say, we could relate to each other.
He introduced me to a new concept. He said that HIV was the New Virginity. A New Virginity?! I was so curious, but baffled at the same time. Wouldn’t you be?
He pointed out how the pre-HIV we, and the HIV-negative rest of the world technically didn’t have a need for limitations when choosing a sexual partner. Whereas we, at this new HIV stage of life, have a bit of exclusivity to consider, and sexual practices to re-think and re-learn.
Hmm, very interesting. Might this just be what I am looking for to increase my personal value? I gave it some thought.
I’ve actually set aside the possibility of having sex with anyone, long before I started on my medications. And now, I’d set my mind on letting my body adjust to the medications, before moving on to even think about other stuff that might complicate it. And that included sex.
I haven’t really been totally sexless, and honestly, I’ve still been horny as hell until now. My outlet has just shifted to a more personal level, if you know what I mean. Self-gratification has become a daily habit. Okay, okay, I saw your jaw drop. Oh, get off your high horses and gimme a break! Hehehe.
So anyways, I’ve gotten to a point where, if sex isn’t like riding a bicycle, I might just forget how to do it. Or if the law of evolution that states “use it or lose it” applies, I just might be left with one appendage and one orifice less on my body. And that’s absolutely scary. Hahaha.
So I started reminiscing, and did remember some questions that popped into my head since getting my gift. How does sex go for a pozzie like me? How will I have sex? Can I ever have sex? Who can I have sex with? What can and can’t I do?
So many questions that I have no ready answers for. Me? Asking about sex? How virginal!
And so it hit me. I was convinced. Maybe there is something to this New Virginity thing. Wow, who would’ve ever thought I’d be a virgin again. My pogi points must’ve just went up by a couple of thousand…
But so much for my New Virginity... Ooops, I lost it already. (Imagine me with a guilty smirk on my face...)
