The eve of Christmas, mass and dinner with my mom’s side of the family. And on Christmas itself, home recovering from the holiday stress. And then back to work for the few days before the turn of the year. That’s how it’s been in previous years. But this year was quite different. Good or bad? Let’s see.
The eve of Christmas was still marked off for the family. But more than my being stranded between the generations, this year I’d be the star. Oh wait, more like I’d have the star. The Li’l Bastard was to make his first appearance as the family’s new bunso at his first Christmas. He was dressed in a little grey shirt with blue piping that matched my own outfit. New places and new faces, kept him quite overwhelmed.
I successfully weaseled out of mass since pets aren’t allowed in the chapel. So we walked around the village to while away the time. Then it was time for a change of costume, as Santa Paws of course! Yes, the Li’l Bastard loves to dress up. And naturally, he became center of attention, the fashionable little whiny pup that always had his left paw up like a limp-wristed twink. Hahaha. Oh well. Mana mana.
By the end of the evening, I was just glad Christmas only happens once a year. Oi, pardon me for thinking that way as early as Christmas Eve.
Christmas Day, I had planned to stay home. But no. I had find internet access because I had work to do. Work?! I knowwwww! Work! So I spent the morning in a coffee shop at the mall, stalling enough through my iced mocha to get everything done. And then I headed back in time for lunch and to spend some home time.
The 26th and 27th continued in the same fashion. No plans, just rest. I did go out for a while to bump into a former college professor of mine to catch up on stuff over a couple of beers, but that was it. Recharge. Recharge.
I had the 28th planned out. I badly needed to go to RITM for med refill… as in two weeks ago. I had already borrowed a month’s supply of ARVs from W, with whom I share the same combination. So like a workday, I left the house at 7:00 am, but this time braved the MRT. Thankfully, it wasn’t as jam-packed as the usual workday rush hour. I actually got to RITM in under an hour, which I found amazing.
There, I texted an online friend. We were eyeballing. Meeting was easy since there were just two of us there at the clinic that early. We talked a bit. He told me about deciding to get tested after noticing he was getting sick a lot, and because he had come from a relationship with a particularly promiscuous guy. I found that amazing that he instantly thought HIV may be the culprit, not your normal reaction. He was barely a month on ARVs, and was there to complete some other baseline tests.
Ate came in and arranged for my refill. Leafing through my records, she pointed out some results. My viral load. The viral load is a quantitative measure of the HIV virus in the blood. The lower that is, the better. I’d never seen my results before. Apparently, my viral load, which is measured annually, has been UNDETECTABLE both in 2009 and 2010. I know I should’ve been jumping for joy, but I was probably in disbelief. Really?! Then my lifestyle, the medicines, and the yoga are working that well. Wow, well I’ll take that.
I left my new friend at the clinic while I went to the pharmacy. Mission accomplished. Ate also sent me to the back office, to submit some stuff for Philhealth. Oi, Philhealth is a long story...
So anyway, that done, I tagged along with my new friend for his errands. Back at the clinic, we caught the other nurse, Ate S. While figuring out my friend’s ARVs, she mentioned they’d started ARVs at the same time. Say what?! Sa kanya ako nahawa eh! I was aghast. Did they have unprotected sex? Did we have a pusit nurse all along?
Well, not quite. Apparently, Ate S suffered from an accidental needle prick injury while administering a PPD test to my friend on a previous visit. So however small the risk, she needed to have a prophylaxis, which meant a month of the very ARVs we‘re taking, just as a precaution. Talk about immersing yourself in the patient’s world, huh? A firsthand experience of ARVs. Not everyone can claim that. But she was in good spirits and was already joking about it.
Oh, and Ate S’ short stint with the RITM is about to end. She said she’d no longer be with us in 2011. Nope, nothing to do with the accident. She’s going to go to med school. I was saddened by the news a bit, she grew into such a competent nurse for us, but I know it’s for the best. You’ll never know, she might come back as our Doc S someday. Hmmm.
From there, we headed off and had lunch at the mall. An early lunch, he was, after all, coming from fasting for all his blood tests. From there, I headed back home to prepare to spend the afternoon with the hubby. Mmm.
Wednesday, the 29th, was Yoga for Life day as usual. But just after lunch, I was off on a mission in Manila. BFF and I met up and took the LRT to Tayuman. We walked a couple of blocks, and finally found our destination. YAFA. Youth AIDS Filipinas Alliance, an HIV advocacy group.
We found the address, but weren’t sure, since it didn’t look right. We knocked. The door was unlocked and opened up to a stairway. We walked up. Tao po? Someone walked out in just his underwear. Oh, welcoming committee? Hehe. Well, we seemed to catch them at the least perfect time. Let’s put things in context, they had scheduled a general cleaning that day, and there was a power interruption, thus, the outfit, or lack thereof.
As soon as they gathered their composure, we got the honor of sitting down with the famous DyingYoung. He told us all about YAFA, and BFF was able to ask his questions about one of their projects. It was actually very interesting, and reinforced the respect I have for YAFA. For such a young group, they’ve really been making waves.
From there, I got BFF to accompany me to the Manila Social Hygiene Clinic. It’s maybe been more than a year since I was last there. Nurse Malou Tan is no longer connected to the SHC. But I got to see Dra. Diana Mendoza, rebond and all. I don’t even think she remembered my name. I left some Positivism brochures with her and asked how the SHC was doing.
They still have free HIV rapid testing there at the Manila SHC, so she asked that we refer people to them for screening. They’re open Mondays to Thursdays, 8:00 am to 3:00 pm, and Friday mornings till noon.
And from there, we took the LRT-MRT route to Ortigas. After a quick snack in Shangrila, we headed to yoga early. Yoga was special today. A hundred and eight sun salutations. Yes, 108 forward bends, halfway lifts, pushups down, and upward- & downward-facing dogs. Was I confident I could do it? Not particularly. But I was going to try. And try I did.
After it all, up to today, two days after, biceps and triceps, quads and calves, back and chest, basically from the top of my neck to the soles of my feet, I’m sore. Sore in a good way. And the fulfillment of getting through the 108 sun salutations is phenomenal. Roarrrrr!
So that was my itinerary for the week leading up to the turn of the year. Sounds like a lot for just a week, especially for me. If that’s going to set the stage for 2011, then it’s going to be a busy one. Bring it on. Bring it on. With that, I hope everyone has all their fingers intact, and had a very Happy New Year. It's 1-1-11. Nagpaputok ka ba?
Saturday, January 01, 2011
Holiday Count Down
Friday, December 24, 2010
Party Party!
Christmas. It’s here. Just when I turned my head away to focus on the flurry of yearend work, it ambushed me like it was no one’s business. It came faster than the MRT. And I snowballed with it as well. I was dreading it. All the stress, all the traffic, all the hassle... I was just really looking for ward to the break... both the Christmas break and a break from the Christmas rush. But it was not meant to be that easy. Christmas sent its advanced party.
I spent my first Christmas party with Yoga for Life. As usual, yogic stuff is far from the usual. The potluck was mind-boggling, it’s never easy for a meat-eater like me to figure out what he could bring for a vegetarian feast. So as I came from work, I shuffled through the mall and settled for some monggo bread. No meat in that, for sure. Rush, rush, rush. I made it to the venue with time to spare.
Not content with just partying hearty, we started with a short yoga practice. Then just as we got totally calmed down, our Yogi Bear and Babe snapped us out of it. It was time to party! I believe it helped that we went through the World AIDS Day thingy the week before. Dramatic as it was for some, it was an icebreaker for sure. A bonding experience. So for the Christmas party, everyone seemed game.
Game, indeed. Games, in fact. There was Paint Me A Picture. A yoga version of Newspaper Dance. Bring Me for items like a pair of underwear on your head, 5-centavo coins, and condoms, which, ahem, I handily got a prize for. And then of course, probably the most fitting yoga game, Twister. Woohoo for me and the four others who they couldn’t knock down! The energetic night was capped off with some take home gifts and an attack at all the meatless but scrumptious food. Kudos to them who organized it and the sponsors who supported it. This party just set the bar.
By that weekend, another one was lined up. Our work party this time. Not knowing people from our sister company, the tacky cowboy theme, the required production number, and the 3:00 pm start all made me less enthusiastic, honestly. But it was something I wouldn’t be allowed to pass up, but only because I got assigned to be the host... Geez, I know, this is the 2nd year in a row that they’ve gone for this admittedly anti-social host... Oi. So I gathered all the kapal-muks I had, borrowed a cowboy hat from my hubby, practiced a dance, and prepared early, and I was good to go.
With ceremonies like a wish balloon release, a holy mass, and photo ops with our big boss, this was certainly more formal that I’d need. I don’t know what happens, but I get drowned in shame and stage fright, and then I turn into a host. Go figure. I don’t know what exactly it takes, but I watch my words somehow, and just okray away, and voila! So with the exchange gift, variety show, raffle, a couple of shots of something I don’t know, and an abundance of my most favorite food, the party actually wasn’t so bad.
Next on the calendar was a couple of parties and gatherings at the RITM. Now these were the ones I was least enthusiastic about. The record of seemingly soulless partying of recent past. The threat of nega-monsters. Having work. The distance. The sleepover. Having to leave the Lil Bastard behind. I had all the excuses. Even the attempt at making it “in memory of Papi” couldn’t get me to go. A no is a no. Sorry.
Instead, we had gotten into putting together a little gathering of our own. A gathering of my pozzie posse. I don’t know why I seem to get myself into it every time, but I was secretariat again. I’m not exactly the kunsentidor of the group, maybe the matriarch, at least. Fine, so I disseminated the invites. It was my pozzie family, "plus plus". "Plus plus" because in the past year, some of them have managed to get hitched or have their own pozzie babies that not everyone knew yet. So it was a celebration of a year since the original group first got together, pre-Christmas, and was going to be a reunion-slash-inventory. Hehe.
As a group that began with us northerners, it was but befitting that it once again come home to the north. So it was set, meet at the local mall at 6:00 pm. I had gotten confirmations, but didn’t really have a good picture until people started trickling in. Me and BFF GreenFrog, Trese with adopted kiddos Pozzieboy and ThisHeartIsStillBeating, O and his hubby, my grandson APositivePointOfView, W, BFF’s latest kiddo, another fellow northerner RecordBreaker, BruskoBoi, and two of my own kiddos. We were far from being complete, but 14 was an achievement, I must say.
It was a good mix. Some of us who’ve been years old with HIV, and some newbies. I really believe it helps to be exposed to others in the same situation but in a normal setting. And normal it was. Dinner at a Japanese restaurant, and videoke after. Not everyone was a singer, but singing was not the only thing there was to do. There was dancing, joking around, catching up, chatting on. I was so happy, that I wanted to be seated at a vantage point where I could see how everyone was having fun. This may just be the start of a yearly gig for us.
Just this past Wednesday, Yoga for Life went for an unplanned part two. There was a mix-up at the venue, which left us without one, so definitely, yoga practice was out. I was ready to head on home, but they thought we could make do with what we had. My favorite doctor advocate played host to all of us, twelve thereabouts, feasting on pizza, brownies and chocolates, and stopping for an educational yoga video.
The highlight of the evening was all the sex talk. With all us gay guys at our soon-to-be-wed Yogi Babe’s fingertips, there was no reason to be shy about anything, not even sex and all. We were curious about her, she was curious about us. Hehe. The taboo, with all of the laughing, giggling and roughhousing, really turned it into a Christmas party part two for us, and bridal shower part two, a gay version, for her. I’m glad I didn’t miss this one.
So there, deny as I may that I’m not ready for Christmas, the party-party mode has certainly taken its toll. A good one at that.
So let me take this opportunity to greet each and everyone a Merry Christmas! Party hard, party safe, party on, and just PAR-TAY!
Sunday, December 27, 2009
A Different Christmas
Yeah, yeah, everyone’s talking about it being Christmas. Technically, this isn’t the first Christmas I’m spending as someone living with HIV. It’s actually the second. Just the second. Although it’s still like before – glazed ham as our toka for Christmas dinner, Christmas eve with my mom’s side of the family, and no real plans Christmas day. But breaking it down, my Christmas this year has been... uhm, different. Quite, quite different.
Honestly, the Christmas spirit didn’t hit me this year. Being busy with work and the Power of You campaign of DepEd up to a week before Christmas, it wasn’t like before that we’d be buying gifts and checking off our Christmas list as early as November. One factor to that might be that all of us cousins are all grown up now, and Christmas no longer revolves too much around the gifts. This was also our first Christmas without my Ninang, who was there in ashes and in spirit, but I’m sure everyone felt the void she left.
While before, I used to really take time to send holiday greetings to my fuck buddies, this year, the only fubus I greeted didn’t even reach a handful. Granted, these were people who I used to play with and hadn’t gotten to the point of disclosing my status personally, but they were the ones who I felt were friends as well.
Aside from those few former fubus, Christmas greetings this year have revolved more around those who I took into my “positive” side of life. My ex-bf who I disclosed to. Shola, of course. The guy from the Think Positive documentary of GMA. My “kids”, those who I had helped either get tested or brought to RITM. Fellow bloggers, both pozzie and poz-friendly. My “kumare” who I haven’t seen in a long time. A new friend in leather. A guy who caressed my calves from Alabang to Ortigas. Some of my alphabet friends, L, O, E and My RITM angel, U. Jinjin and Odin. Kuya DepEd.
Of course, Papi had special privileges. I called him shortly past midnight just to greet him and get the scoop on how his Christmas was going. We were both at our respective family gatherings, so we made the most of whatever short conversation we could manage.
Before, especially during the times I was single and not yet HIV-positive, I would’ve honestly taken the time off from work to schedule meet ups, sex EBs and all those raunchy things. You know how we all need to warm up those cold December nights... and days. Or is it just me? Anyhoo, I honestly did get a couple of indecent proposals this year from some old buddies, but I had every excuse in the book. Busy, out of town, sick, tired. Of course, knowing Papi is there is the biggest thing that keeps me on the right track. I know... schmuck.
But you know what, I wasn’t exactly staying home and sulking. On Christmas day, I took a trip to visit my sister at her new place. She didn’t show up at our family thing Christmas eve, which really wasn’t a surprise. So I went to her instead to bring all her gifts. I hung out with her for several hours, watching a marathon of Will and Grace, wrestling with her dog, and feasting on the macaroni and cheese she prepared. I actually thought I could tell her about my HIV thing, but decided against complicating her new life minus her husband... long story.
Yesterday, the 26th, wasn’t dull either. Noting that most of the pozzie get-togethers happen in the south, some of us RITM pozzies from the north thought of organizing something of our own.
With others not being able to make it, there were technically just three of us from the north. GreenFrog, who I met for the first time during the RITM Christmas party, one of my “kids” who I actually introduced to the RITM on the day of the Christmas party, and myself. The three of us, and another newbie who I’ll be taking to the RITM this week, met up early in the afternoon to catch a screening of Avatar. I finally, finally, finally got to watch it, and in 3D at that. Allow it to be a big deal for me because I think the last movie I watched was Kimmy Dora. Argh.
After the movie, we had some coffee while waiting for some guests from the south. I know, right? One word: kaladkarin. Hehehe. Two of them showed up, both bloggers, LuckyTrese and Positive’sStory. LuckyTrese, I’d met before, but it was my first time meeting Positive’sStory. So the six of us went for dinner, in the midst of which GreenFrog got a text message that one other guy was going to show up. And show up he did.
And then there were seven. Not exactly seven dwarves. Having seven people sharing such different HIV stories is a big thing. I think it helped my newbie to be exposed to others like him as he was about to embark on his own HIV journey. I don’t think there was any drama at all, more laughing actually, laughing at everything from rashes and Avatar characters, to McDonalds, Manuela and Marcella. Oi.
After dinner, the last guy who made it needed to leave for work. The six of us left decided to hang out some more, as one by one our ARV schedules elapsed. Most of us had a few drinks... okay fine I had more than the others... it ain’t called a bottomless margarita for nothing! By around 1 in the morning – I know! – it was time to go. Actually, I didn’t think I could drink another drop, so it was really time to go.
Four of them shared a cab to their destinations, while GreenFrog and I got left behind, mostly because we didn’t live very far away from where we were. I was honestly a bit tipsy, thanks to both the ARVs and those margaritas. GreenFrog is actually my new Papi-approved BFF, so he thought he owed it to Papi to take me home. Argh. Sweet.
You all know I’m a big boy and have never gotten drunk enough not to be able to handle myself, so I compromised, had him take me halfway home, at which point I assured him I was okay. So we ended up turning around as I took him back out to the main road and saw him off. Bwehehe.
It was hilariously a lot of unnecessary walking, but it was nice as we evaluated the evening that just passed. Seven pusits. Four bloggers. North, east and south represented. We were happy with how it turned out. Positive in all senses of the word. This is one night that will not be the last. Hopefully, there’ll be even more of us next time. Until then.
Christmas 2009 is over. It’s different. It’s positively different. And it’s all good.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Christmas?!
It's not easy getting up in the chilly mornings.
There are so many things to do.
My back just hurts.
I have a cold.
I'm tired.
Hehehe, okay fine. I'm gonna stop ranting. Chika lang! Drama lang yun.
Although all of the above are true, I know there is much to be thankful for. I'm alive, I'm healthy (well sort of, hehe), I'm happy, I love and am loved. And maybe the only thing I could wish for is for everyone out there to realize the things in their lives they can be thankful for.
Personally, I'm thankful for everyone who has become a gift to me. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And Merry Christmas to everyone as well. :-D
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Things I've Learned
Christmas this year has been so different. It’s been an extended holiday season, but I’ve become thankful that I didn’t get my wish to sleep through the holidays. I’ve had a healthy balance between staying rested and keeping busy, and been swamped with almost every emotion there is, more happy moments than sad, I’m pleased to say.
The usual family stuff has been there, but with the several days that have been dedicated to helping Baby Nathan’s family out, they’ve become my second family as well. It’s been almost a week since Christmas passed, and still the season of giving remains. And with everything that has been happening, I can say that I have been learning a lot.
Here are just some of them...
I’ve sort of been able to generalize that people who drive Mazda 3s are seemingly extremely generous persons. You know who you are. I’m thankful, but hoping generosity is not limited to them.
I’ve seen how much fun unexpected plans can be, when a quick shopping trip spins off into a bakal-boys-hour slash dirty-secrets-Q&A-portion slash movie-date. I’m still trying to analyze if doors really do slam silently when done by the hearing-impaired.
I’ve shared the panic of being put on the spot and wanting to run away from a well-meaning bible-study-preacher person, but not having any polite way of doing so. I’m relieved to know I’m not the only one who’s not into it.
I’ve realized how the mascot effigies at fastfood chains can be such good points of reference when eyeballing with someone. I’m just thinking of how to phrase things better than I’m the guy staring at Ronald McDonald’s ass.
I’ve learned that ladies should be careful who they’re caught grocery-shopping with. Anyone of the opposite sex, even if it’s a discreet gay friend, will always be thought to be your boyfriend. I’m wondering how much worse the rumors would’ve been if we were caught with baby diapers in the shopping cart. This might be the first and the last time you'll hear this from me, but Our kids would've been beautiful!
And vice versa, discreet gay guys should be careful who they’re caught grocery shopping with, too. Anyone of the opposite sex, even if it’s just a friend, might be thought to be your – Gasp! – girlfriend. Again, I’m glad no one I knew caught us with diapers in our shopping cart. No offense, but Eeeeew! I have a reputation to protect, ya know!
Okay, okay, now seriously...
Being able to help Baby Nathan out these past holidays has been anything short of an eye-opener. I’ve been thanked myself a lot for helping them out, but I maintain that I am only a medium, and the real angels are the people who come from out of nowhere to lend a helping hand. I mean I might have the affinity to this kid just because we are both HIV positive and it is but natural for us in the poz community to, as they say, love your own. But these people who’ve been stepping up to the plate and giving whole-heartedly have been people from heaven knows where, who’ve chosen to look past the boundaries of our minority, welcoming themselves into our little community and us into theirs.
So the real learning for me in all of this is that, as much as so many people have been opening their hearts to put smiles on the faces of Baby Nathan and his family during the holidays, we must realize how Baby Nathan is serving as an angel himself, a tool to bridge the gap between the HIV-positive and the HIV-negative, and show that we are still human and that everyone, regardless of gender, orientation and HIV status, can work together.
In this case, clearly HIV is not merely a disease. It is not a punishment. HIV has served as a tool in itself, a tool that possibly the heavens have sent down to give us humans the opportunities to show compassion, to cooperate, and to prove that there is still hope in the world. A tool that didn’t come in a completely pleasant form, but, as we are beginning to see, serves its purpose to show we are not living in a fallen and hopeless world.
Okay, so maybe the country is not completely ready for the reality of HIV. Maybe majority of people still cultivate the stigma attached to HIV. But I can firmly say that the times are changing. Slowly, but surely. I’ve been taking baby steps for some time now, and I’m happy to realize that more and more people are willing to take those baby steps, too... with me, and towards me.
Friday, December 26, 2008
My 1st Christmas
Finally, another Christmas Day is over. It wasn't as bad as I expected it to be. No sadness, no crying. Hardly any consciousness even. I was nothing more than half-comatose yesterday, asleep for most of it, only waking up and getting out of bed to eat meals and take showers. What the hell happened? Let’s flash back to Christmas eve and start from there.
I worked Christmas eve, remember, and only managed to flee around 3:00 in the afternoon. But instead of heading home, I made a stopover in Cubao searching for Baby Nathan’s family. Baby Nathan’s dad sent me some directions to follow and fetched me at the nearest corner, flashing his now familiar smile from all the way down the street. As we walked, he updated me on Baby’s condition, and although he never mentioned the underlying condition of HIV, I was happy he freely mentioned all the names of people and hospitals involved, not even the least bit concerned of who might hear him. And trust me, this was a small community where everyone seemed to know everyone else. I knew that from the way everyone we passed would stare at me, probably wondering who I was.
We walked past some kids playing in the street, and I thought it would be funny if Baby Nathan was doing so well that he was already one of those kids running about. But of course, not yet, he’s just over a year old, remember? The dad led me into a tiny path between houses, from which we headed up a steep flight of stairs. Upon reaching the top, there he was, Baby Nathan on his tummy on the floor, flanked by a couple of pillows, playing. And wow, that face staring up at me just made me smile. Those big puppy dog eyes set in his now healthy looking face could melt anyone’s heart. I sat down as the dad introduced me around. Baby’s mom was there, his sister, his lola and lolo, and his twinky uncle. And the way they welcomed me was overwhelming.
We sat around a bit as I cooled down, which was when I got my first ever chance to really take Baby Nathan in my arms. I’d been hesitant previously, not really knowing how to handle his frail body. I mean, I do love kids, and although I doubt if I’ll be having any of my own, I know how to handle them, but during the first few times I’d seen Baby Nathan, he just looked so fragile, I chose not to carry him myself from fear of breaking him. So this was a first for us.
Shortly after, I reminded the dad that we had a bit of shopping to do, for a bit of stuff for their Noche Buena, or Christmas eve dinner. He asked if Baby Nathan could tag along. Sure! And before I knew it, even mom and sister were all dressed up ready for the trip to the mall. And man, you should’ve seen Baby Nathan, dressed in his little shirt which I gave him before, his little jeans and his little rubber shoes, and even his little bonnet... wow, such a cutie.
We did our rounds at the grocery, with me pushing the cart, dad carrying Baby Nathan, and mom taking charge of the sister, as well as picking out what food to get. Some stuff for spaghetti, some fruit salad, hotdogs, chicken… the works. I wanted to make sure that they’d get some of that Christmas spirit without having to worry about where to get it from. Now hold on, I’m just a medium in all this. One of you good souls reading this blog helped me out to make this possible. You know who you are, and on behalf of the family, thank you.
We hardly heard a peep from Baby Nathan the whole trip. It was apparently the first time both kids were to go around the mall, which I could imagine was exciting enough. But Baby Nathan was extreme. He was so quiet and so wide-eyed, as if not wanting to miss any person, any thing, any light, or any color that we passed by. And compared with the sterile hospital room he’d been calling home for more than a month, there indeed was a lot to see.
From there, we headed back home, where I hung out a bit amidst some home-made kakanin and juice the lola offered me. The mom and the lola started preparing their Christmas dinner, as Baby Nathan was given some milk and put in bed for a bit, obviously overwhelmed by the sightseeing treat he got. It was just past 5:00 in the afternoon, and I had been getting messages from my mom asking where I was, because we were supposed to spend Christmas eve at my aunt’s house, so I left them to enjoy their Christmas evening and headed home.
My mom still thought I’d be coming from work, and I braved the terrible Cubao traffic going home, and made it past 7:00 pm. Barely even sitting down, I just took a shower and off again we went to my aunt’s house, where we spent the rest of Christmas eve. You can only imagine how tired I was by 2:00 in the morning. Now you know why I needed to space out for a whole day.
I’m still recovering, although I’ve already been able to take my mom shopping today. I did more window shopping myself, oddly enough, at the Baby Sections of the malls. I wanted to get Baby Nathan a baby walker, so he could see more than just feet, or a stroller, so they’d have an easier time taking him around. But I was a bit shocked at the prices at the local SM mall, especially for strollers, which looked like off-roaders and which were so expensive that I thought they’d better come with someone to push them for that price.
So I was thinking, maybe someone out there has an old walker and/or a stroller stashed away somewhere unused... I know someone who could put it to good use. Hint, hint. Nooooo! Not me! Grr. You know who I mean. Consider it a post-Christmas gift? Or us helping you clean house? Just give it some thought. Please.
So anyways, I’ve managed to keep my Christmas spirit going, which is so unexpected, this being the first Christmas I’m spending with HIV. And I can honestly say this is the best Christmas I’ve ever had. It’s like I have more gratitude for the little things in life, I’m living by the day, and I know that there is some reason that I was chosen for this blessing. Without HIV, I wouldn’t get the opportunities I’ve been getting lately, and I wouldn’t be meeting the people I’ve been lucky enough to meet. All thanks to HIV.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
My Christmas Spirit
I was awoken this morning at 5:00 am by a call on my mobile phone. The ringing didn’t last long. When I checked, it was an unknown number, so I dozed back off again. The next thing I heard was my message alert, which is a bit more annoying than my ringtone. That brought me to my senses.
Checking the message, it came from the same anonymous number, but made me smile. It was Baby Nathan’s dad, using a new sim card on my same network, greeting me a Merry Christmas, thanking me for all the help, and telling me he’d call later. Wouldn’t that make you smile? I replied with a good morning and a Merry Christmas as well.
Shortly after, another call came in. I answered this time, and it was Baby’s dad, saying Merry Christmas and asking how I was. I could hear Baby Nathan in the background obviously craving for some attention from his dad. I couldn’t help but laugh. We talked a bit about how they were discharged from the RITM last December 16th, how he’d gone back for a med refill yesterday, how Baby Nathan was doing well, and was becoming his naughty young self again and I told him I’d try to drop by sometime, since we lived in the same city. I was regretting having to work today. It’s December 24th, and I should just be relaxing in time for Christmas eve. But nooo. I have to work. The whole day. Argh.
Regardless, that call just jumpstarted my day. I got out of bed in a jiffy, and found myself preparing to glaze our Christmas ham while I was eating breakfast. Hmmm, did I finally find my Christmas spirit? Hahaha.
I was out of the house with a bounce in my step, and I stood across the gate waiting for a tricycle. There was this one moment when there were no cars on the street, no tricycles, no dogs, no people. It was unusual. And I realized that for that brief moment, the world was all about me. God was making me smile with the gift of silence and solitude. And smile I did.
The bus ride to work was a surprise in itself. Yeah, the traffic was terrible, especially by the bus stations in Cubao as people tried to rush home to their respective provinces. Yeah, that loud sound made when the side mirror of another bus broke against the frame of ours jolted me a bit. But the little gesture of the bus conductor thanking me for giving him exact change was unusual and unexpected, but deeply appreciated. I smiled again.
I continued exchanging text messages with Baby Nathan’s dad until I got to work. He half-jokingly wished I’d get the afternoon off from work so I could drop by. He told me to just send him a message so they could meet me in the area in case I got lost. I fished a bit, asking what they were having for Christmas dinner tonight. He shamefully answered that they didn’t have anything special to serve me. I laughed and assured him I’d try my best to drop by and take care of that. His last reply was that Baby Nathan said he’d wait for me to come. Haha, this guy knew how to make me smile.
So here I am, working on the eve of Christmas, but really, I think my day is already made. I sooooo want to go visit Baby Nathan and give them some of the Christmas spirit I’ve been being blessed with, and I’ll be trying my bestest.
I don't know exactly what endears me so much to Baby Nathan and his family, but they sort of remind me of the Nativity story of Baby Jesus, Mary and Joseph, the Christmas family. For now, let me greet everyone a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS. May the spirit of family, happiness and giving be with us all. Wow, was that me talking?! Maybe I'm not such a scrooge after all.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Not so Christmasy
Oh, shit. Four days to go till Christmas.
It’s never been a day or a season I look forward to. Ever since I had the maturity – or should I call it angst – to look beyond the decorations, the gifts and the food, and into all the emotions that are wrapped up with it, I’ve come to realize how the holidays have usually been a lonely time for me.
I know I’ve always regarded myself as a loner, and as being strong and secure, but Christmas is a time that magnifies all my insecurities, all the loneliness, all the self-pity and all the hurt. I can honestly say that I’ve cried myself to sleep on more than a couple of occurrences of Christmas.
I can’t say I’ve always been single whenever Christmastime comes. But memories of the few years that I’ve had someone special beside me during the holidays end up being tainted with doubt when the relationship ends because of infidelity, mostly on their part.
Last year, my first Christmas after my personal vow of singlehood, I remember getting the most greetings ever, mostly from the guys who I was playing mistress to at the time. But knowing that they needed to sneak off and could spare just a few minutes from their normal lives to drop me a line, and when these guys would need to go back to their wives, girlfriends, partners or boyfriends, I realize that the numbers didn’t count. Eventually, I’d be alone again.
This being the last weekend before Christmas, I’ve been attending party after party the past few days. Fun? Yes, definitely. And though I am usually nothing more than a wall flower, the happiness overflows in my heart when I see other people happy. Creepy to some extent, I know. But deep inside, I’ve been feeling the loneliness skulking in.
From my late father, I inherited a penchant for booze. And though I don’t really do much of it, nor am I addicted to it, I’ve been treating myself to my fair share of the drinking the past few days. But as much as I’d like to try to drown my sorrows away, it’s like the heavens have taunted me again. I do not get drunk. I’ve gotten as far as tipsy and sleepy, but never ever gotten puke-mad-don’t-know-what-I’m-doing-can’t-remember-what-happened unconscious. I don’t know if that’s a good thing. I want to forget the loneliness. I want to be numbed of the pain. But I wasn’t meant to be that lucky.
This will be my first Christmas after finding out I am HIV-positive. How much worse will HIV make it? Only time can tell.
So far, sans the HIV part of it, Christmas seems to be a time when everyone is already busy with their special someone. And as I’ve learned, third wheels will get left behind. Even just seeing strangers everywhere I look paired up walking hand in hand just leaves me sighing and trying to shake the loneliness from my mind.
Apart from that, it seems to be a time when people seem to be wearing new clothes, sporting new looks, and of course looking damned good, and it’s been such a torture to try to keep myself from having any part of that pie. I’m just afraid it’s going to get too complicated. Or maybe I’m too proud to admit that I’m needy. I don’t want to run the risk of having something end up as a fling just to tide me over the holidays.
So for now, only solitude will surely remain by my side. I’ll be constantly reminding – and convincing – myself of all the pros of being single, and if I’m lucky, when I go to bed tonight, I’ll wake up to find out it’s January already. If that doesn’t work, I’ll have to whip out – Gasp! – my License to Drama. Just wish my sanity luck... please.
P.S. On a good note, POSITIVISM.PH is up and running! Check it out! Thank you, Hotbox and Synthesis! Congrats, Bossings! We've only just begun...
Friday, December 12, 2008
A Positive Christmas
It was Friday, but I took the day off from work. I still woke up early though, to take a trip to the Social Hygiene Clinic to get the results of my Quantitative RPR. Nothing alarming, just part of the monitoring for my syphilis.
From there I headed straight to my favorite barber who gave me my signature semi-kalbo, after which I treated myself to a hairspa. Having not that much hair left and having a hairspa doesn’t make sense, but I mostly do it for the massage that comes with it. It borders between being extremely relaxing and slightly arousing. I don’t even know if he’s really good at it, or if I just find him that hot. It feels so good that I get chills down my spine. And so much chills that I get confused whether I’m truly aroused, or just need to pee. Mmm.
It was just 11:00 am. So did I take a leave just to get my lab results and treat myself to a haircut? No, of course not. That was just the beginning. All in preparation for a big day, my first Christmas Party at the RITM.
I was feeling good today. My face was cooperating, with my breakouts taking a bit of a break. Even my sniffles were in on it, as my runny nose held up for the day. Okay so the haircut was half because I needed it, and half because I wanted to make a good first impression. Good impression, my ass! Was I planning to flirt?! No, not planning. Let’s just say I was open to the possibility. No, no. More like I needed to feel confident. Whatever.
I was able to convince U to go, so we went together, buying some pitchi-pitchi and some bread and dip on the way, for our contribution to the potluck celebration. Coming from all the way north, and going all the way south, it was expected that we’d be late. Let’s just say call time was 10:00 am, and we got there at 1:30 pm. Talk about Filipino time.
Walking in to the tune of Hep-Hep-Hooray being played by some of the pusits, I carefully stayed unnoticed while I looked around, wondering if I’d see someone I wasn’t expecting to see. Someone who I’d made contact with, who I didn’t know had HIV, too. Fortunately, other than the guys and some gals I’d met at the RITM and San Lazaro before, our resident counselor, the Doctor and the Ates, no other familiar faces. A big Whew! from me.
After a run down the buffet, I sat down and faded into my wall flower mode. Quiet, insignificant, observant, hiding behind a huge column in the middle of the hall, away from all the action. I looked the crowd over a second time between bites, checking everyone out. I have been asked by others if there really are a lot of hot guys there. I just tease, saying SECRET! I’m sorry you couldn’t make it! Hehehe.
And, though it was a party, and as much as I’d liked to share the experience, I didn’t expect any pictures to be taken. I myself opted against bringing a camera with me, from fear of the pictures having to look like this...
That aint lookin' so Christmasy, huh? Hahahahaha.
But more importantly, other than a couple of guys I noticed in face masks, everyone looked every bit normal and ordinary as the rest of the world. There were guys, there were girls, even guys who looked like girls... nothing new to me. There were kids running around, some RITM personnel hanging out and some affected friends in the mix, so much so that no one could probably identify correctly who was HIV positive and who wasn’t. I couldn’t tell myself just by looking.
I just had a moment of bother when one guy was introduced to me. It was a guy who I’ve mentioned in one of my posts before, and not in an entirely good way. Let’s just say I gave my honest opinion not expecting to meet him face to face. But he was nice enough to smile and say something to the tune of yeah, I know him already, which left me speechless. I realize I’m treading the waters between fame and notoriety as The Blogger. Good thing I snapped out of the paranoid spell soon enough.
From across the room, I noticed someone looking my way. It was Baby Nathan’s dad. He cradled the Baby who seemed frightened by all the noise, flashing his familiar smile. I was caught off guard by how he recognized me from that far away, but I nodded and smiled back, and understood, they were doing okay.
A young lady walked by, a couple of minutes later, shook my hand, said thank you and walked off. I later realized she was the Baby’s mom, who I was seeing and meeting for the first time. It was surprising how young she looked, but again refreshing how positive her aura was, even belting out more than a handful of songs on the videoke machine.
Daddy walked over to my corner a bit later, updating me that the Baby was doing fine. The Baby was taken off the ARVs that were causing him fevers, and was shifted to my same pills probably, which he apparently melts in his mouth like candy. Yum. I thought to myself, now he’s really getting his childhood back. I couldn’t help but smile.
Several videoke songs, a fabulous production number from a t-back bearing babe, a couple of hours more of food, zero word from work, an exchanging of gifts, some bulge- and finger-related speculations about my penis size – something I’ve come to be comfortable with and proud of, ahem, ahem – and a refill of my ARV supply later, the crowd had thinned and it was time to go.
U and I headed back up north the way we came, had dinner at the mall – like we didn’t get enough nutrition already – and chatted over some hot chocolate into the night, until we went our own ways at about 10:30 pm.
Looking the day over, the Grinch in me has to admit that it was a positive day. And if this, being my first Christmas party of the year, is a sign of things to come, I think I’ll have a happy Christmas this year.
Christmas is supposed to be about family, and be it as small as Baby Nathan’s family, or as big as the community that came out to celebrate, I felt how it was to have a family. It’s only today that I can finally say that I do feel the spirit of Christmas.
A Positively Merry Christmas to us all!
