Yes, I'm gay. I probably was since the day I was born. On my 21st birthday, I sort of had my debut. I came out to my parents. A little drama from mom, and some indifference from dad. An above-average coming out. Almost perfect.

Nine years later, two weeks before my 30th birthday, I found out... I'M HIV POSITIVE.

And so my story begins... I'm BACK IN THE CLOSET.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Hubbin' & Calves

From the way I shared it, you’d think my last cd4 count was just like any other. But it sort of wasn’t.

Certainly, the big difference was that I was not at liberty to be shy that day. I wasn't going alone.

I was goin' a-hubbin'.

I was going to be taking two newbies and introducing them to the RITM. They were actually about to embark on their own HIV journeys. Yep, two new HIV-positive guys. And nope, I had nothing to do with their becoming HIV-positive.

One of them found me online, through this blog if I recall right. I’d been talking with him through instant and text messaging since that time, and we’d met up and had lunch one weekend before. He’s actually taking his new status with a pretty level head, as he manages to laugh and joke with me about everything. And that’s a good thing, of course.

The other sent a 911 message through the Tiya Posit section of Positivism saying he had just tested positive, and was at a loss what to do next. But with the sense of urgency which came with the letter, as the resident pusit I took it upon myself to get in touch with the guy. He was in a panic, it being less than a week since being told his results. Problem was, the private clinic where he was diagnosed didn’t want to give him his results, and oddly, their protocol didn’t allow him to consult with the RITM on his own. So I’d been talking with him through phone and text, and also managed to meet with him as well one evening after work. He just really needed reassurance that he’d be okay. But the mere fact that he reached out to ask for help was a huge step towards acceptance, I believe.

So the day was already shaped to be unlike my usual anti-social self. I was tasked to make sure they had a good start to their HIV journeys. I had to try hard not to be shy. I was to play kuya to these two guys. And getting to the RITM, I found so many other reasons to be more sociable. Ate was there, of course, along with Shola, both of whom I hadn’t seen in a while. Plus my friend T was there too, himself also playing kuya to a handful of other newbies.

Plus, I got to see my favorite non-HIV-positive RITM-regular there. My Papi. I’d first encountered Papi at the RITM last year. He’s not HIV-positive, nor is he part of the staff of the RITM. He just likes hanging out there. I never really got to interact with him much at the start. The bubbly personality he sported and the way he seemed to know more people there than I did just intimidated the wallflower in me.

Oddly enough, it wasn’t until he was out of the country that we really got to know each other better. With YM as our medium, we found ourselves exchanging stories, sharing problems, and basically wondering why we hardly ever talked at the RITM. But now that he was back in the country, the friendship we’d built oceans apart was apparent this time, as we hugged tight and Papi planted a wet kiss on my oily cheek. I swear, you’d think we had a history. It was nice.

So there, just based on that, I was really out of my element that day – my element of solitude, that is. I was in the hub. I was in the hub. Hell, I was hubbin’! And the hubbin’ did not end there.

I hitched a ride with T coming back up north, along with three others. No biggie, supposedly. Not until someone asked if he could touch my calves. Say what?! Are you kidding? Was this some conspiracy with TristanTales? Yes, fine, it was my fault that I was in shorts as usual, but never in my entire life has anyone asked permission to touch my calves. It was odd. Odd, but not bad. Surprising. Of course, the pleaser in me said Sure, go ahead. But I was honestly pleased myself.

So for most of the ride back, I had someone’s hand caressing my calves. I know, it sounds ridiculous, but I have witnesses. And no, I’m still not used to the attention. I just appreciated the honesty with which the proposition was delivered, and thought that deserved some sort of reward. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy it myself. And yes, I did make sure he had my number before we parted ways. Just in case. Fingers crossed. Fine, I’m a flirt.

So there, those are the rest of the juicy details of that more-than-just-a-cd4 day. Not a day that I’m going to be forgetting anytime soon. Not the hubbin', not the calves. Especially not with JinJin teasing me constantly about my calves. *Evil eyes*


Mark Cabos said...

hahah. I was grinning while reading the calves part. goodnyt. :P

migs said...

hey there! i love reading your blog, probably the most honest out there. first of all, congratulations on your cd4 least it went up. second, i wish you luck in your journey, you definitely inspired others in making the right decisions, whether HIV + or not. and lastly, good luck with Mr. Calf lover.

PinoyPoz said...

@Mark: I would've been blushing if I was capable of it.

@Migs: Wow, thanks! But hehehe @ the calf lover part. :-D

BadPapiNYC said...

arooooo. may humawak ng calves mo?
ingit ako.

PinoyPoz said...

Arooooo, Papi... Pagbigyan mo na ako. Nakakiss ka naman eh. Hehehe.

Anonymous said...

Di ko gets ung calves...

ano meron sa calves mo kuya?