Yes, I'm gay. I probably was since the day I was born. On my 21st birthday, I sort of had my debut. I came out to my parents. A little drama from mom, and some indifference from dad. An above-average coming out. Almost perfect.

Nine years later, two weeks before my 30th birthday, I found out... I'M HIV POSITIVE.

And so my story begins... I'm BACK IN THE CLOSET.

Friday, August 07, 2009

I Hate Cory

Cory-catureI loved that it was a holiday yesterday. I was able to rest, to do some errands around the house, but really, I spent most of the day watching the funeral of former Philippine president Cory Aquino. But after it all, I was left with just one conclusion...

I hate Cory.

In the wake of her death, Cory has been the headline of every news broadcast lately... quite expected, really, considering she was the eleventh president of our beloved republic.

I confess, I’ve been relegated to such a schmuck with it all. Seeing all the news about her, all the memories of her, all the tears shed for her... it all touches me. Although I do acknowledge she was one hell of a woman who showed what one seemingly lowly housewife could do to change and inspire a whole nation, I’m not necessarily a big Cory fan or anything. But still, seeing how her life is now being celebrated brings a tear to my eye.

If I had things my way, I’d be sobbing my heart out every time I’d watch something about her on TV. Yeah, yeah, call me a faggot, but it’s so damned touching! But, of course, that is not the case. Having my mom beside me forces me to be... discreet. I don’t want her to see me crying.

So what triggers all my emotion? I was just eight years old when the EDSA revolution that won her the presidency took place, so certainly I can hardly relate to the democracy thing that she brought at the time. Certainly, Cory had encountered the "STD" notion during her lifetime, but I seriously doubt if it was as close an encounter as mine. And though the fact that she looks just like my lola could play a part in it all, considering that I may have been the least favorite grandchild of that lola of mine just rips that theory apart.

If it is one particular thing, it’s the death that bothers me. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not afraid of dying. I’ve always been ready to go. It just seems that the heavens aren’t ready to take me. Not to mention that I’m not dying just yet either. It’s the prospect of dying alone that saddens me. I’ve always feared dying alone. That I’ll bravely admit.

Even before, I’ve dreamt of it more than a handful of times. Seeing myself lying in a wooden box in an empty church. No one grieving, no one missing me, no one caring, no one even noticing that I’m gone. I hate waking up sobbing like a baby whenever that happens.

One’s family should be there, right? But I seriously doubt I’m going to be anyone’s husband or father. I am a son, a brother, a nephew and a friend... but will they be too ashamed to admit that? I always said I was a loner. I am. But in death, I tend to wonder... will I still be alone?

Cory... she had it all. Children, siblings, nieces, nephews, cousins, friends... A husband saying he fell in love with her three times... Not to mention a whole nation regarding her as their mother. Will I have anything like that when the lights dim on me?

People thanking her. People missing her. People crying for her. People celebrating her life... even after her death. It was just one hell of a way to go.

She was missed. She was thanked. She loved and was loved. She nurtured. She inspired. I can only wish I had such a legacy to leave when my time comes.

I hate Cory because I can only dream of being like her. But I can try. I can certainly try.

11 comments:

wanderingcommuter said...

pareho tayo. i wish kahit atleast one fourth lang ng pumunta sa kanya ang makilibing din sa funeral ko. haaay! difficult but not impossible...

butakal said...

hello my dearest closet friend, he he he. im sure gloria arroyo hates cory the way you do.
i pray that the cory magic will cast away all the evil that is in gloria arroyo's heart and in the heart of all the trapo running to be leader of our beloved philippines.
i miss you my idol, andito lang ako ha, i know you are doing great in your new job. ingat on your health always.
by the way i will be your wayward kunyari husband in your wake, i will surprise them all.
ill tell them i did love you 3 times too. muah! now you will hate cory a little less. muah muah muah hugs!

Anonymous said...

I hate her for she did not do anything for the country except revenge! Six years of promising change, but actually helped out transition the kotong-era from Marcos to Ramos.

Just remember some of her major accomplishments: CARP minus Hacienda Luisita, Mendiola Massacre and Kris Aquino. Think Filipinos! She ain't worth it!

Turismoboi said...

di bale u naman c imelda etchoz! hehehe!

Yj said...

now there's another way of looking at things.....

Anonymous said...

HI...just found out yesterday and ive read all you r blogs from the first entry.....i love reading it...from now on im ur avid fan reader hehhee.ur so brilliant!keep it up.....its me DAVY DUBAI!

Ming Meows said...

build close friends, quality is still better than quantity.

BLACKPOOL said...

funny comment of anonymous but at the end of a day youre not even something compared to her. walang personalan shes history what about you?

PinoyPoz said...

@Wandy: Ang daming biskwit at kape nun!

@Butakal: *Speechless* :-D

@Anonymous: Hmm. Relax ka lang.

@Turismoboi: Hahaha, wala bang masbata-bata ng konti?

@Yj: Wala lang! Hehe.

@Davy: Salamat! Hi Dubai!

@Meowie: Haaaaay... Emo away! Hehe.

@Blackpool: O... Relax din... :-)

sam said...

What matters most is what you do in life. Yes, the shudder of thinking who will attend your wake? or my wake? But why think about it? Whats important you love the people around you. Oh Love is a BIG word. but it is LOVE that keeps us going.
We may not be Cory Aquino where she was remembered of the things she has done but you can be an ordinary and simple person and be remembered that you touched the lives of others by coming out with a blog and be read by people like me where each day is challenge and a possibility to make it good.
You have been vulnerable each day, You have been taking big steps each day.
and I admire and lift you up.

Xavier Randol said...

we have a different comments about cory, and i respect it. :-]