Yes, I'm gay. I probably was since the day I was born. On my 21st birthday, I sort of had my debut. I came out to my parents. A little drama from mom, and some indifference from dad. An above-average coming out. Almost perfect.

Nine years later, two weeks before my 30th birthday, I found out... I'M HIV POSITIVE.

And so my story begins... I'm BACK IN THE CLOSET.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

The Explanation

I had a relationship.

That was your explanation. That was the explanation as to why you moved away.

But it explained nothing.

It was just... lame.

That was not an explanation. That didn’t explain anything. It just brought about even more questions.

I had a relationship. That’s not an explanation. That’s a kiss-ass attempt to cover your ass and clear your conscience.

I had a relationship. That’s not even an excuse.

I had a relationship. Was I supposed to feel happy for you?

I was like a fish. A fish on your hook. If I wasn’t the kind you were looking for, or if I wasn’t big enough, or if I wasn’t fresh enough, then the least you could’ve done was take me off the hook and throw me back into the water.

But no. You made sure you kept me on your hook. I had to live through YM statuses that ranged from is working, is busy, to is super busy. I thought I just needed to be understanding, and still made the effort to keep in touch. But at some point it was like you wanted me to take a hint. If you were really that busy, you shouldn’t have had time to log into YM in the first place.

But then every single time I’d feel some slack on your rope, you made sure to reel me back in. You were right to say you had bad timing. And considering I gave you every chance to tell me no, stop, enough or get off my back, you really had very bad timing.

Lines like I’ll see you soon and may inaasikaso lang... what else are they supposed to mean? Well, of course, may inaasikaso ka nga naman. Sino ba’ng hindi? But you could’ve been man enough to say it was a someone, and not a something, that you were making asikaso.

You always said you wanted to be famous. Your ability to do anything and everything and trample over anything in your way without hints of heart nor soul tells me you’ll get there. Ouch. Insert applause here.

I did say the least we could be is friends. But how can I regard you as a friend if you have no respect for me? That’s all I needed. Respect. And I don’t think that’s too much to ask, do you?

I had a relationship. That was anything but an explanation. I led you on. I didn’t really like you. I no longer needed you. I used you. Now those are explanations.

Lesson learned: Before respecting me as a pusit, you have to respect me first as a person. Because over and above being just a pusit, I am a person.

5 comments:

rubypurple said...

You know, he might give you a thousand explanations for doing what he did. But did he ever had the decency to say sorry?

What makes me mad is that all this time, you've been giving him the benefit of the doubt and you were excusing all his shortcomings. I just wished that he told you na he's seeing someone else.

If he said that early on, you can be spared of all the hurt/anger/bitterness that you're experiencing now.

If he can't love you like you want him to, sana lang he gave you the respect that you deserve.


PS I have the right to get mad coz no one can mess with my friends. >.<

Anonymous said...

Hi!

Please tell me naman sino yang iniiyakan ng puso mo ngayn?

Un ba yong taga Mindanao?

Pls. reply. Thanks .

Anonimus said...

Peace in advance, bro. World Peace...

But I have to say this.

I think you're demanding something from that other person a thing (straightforwardness, frankness, honesty etc) which you, yourself, would have no problems dishing out.

The news is... some people are just not capable of that. In the deepest deep of their hearts, they want to say what you want to hear but they just don't have it in them to deliver the spiel.

For a lot of reasons. Lack of balls is just one them. Lack of education another. Lack of respect, certainly. The sad thing is... ganun lang talaga ang kaya nila. And to expect them to be anything more than that is like offering eggs to Sta. Clara.

Ikaw naman kase, ang taas taas ng standards mo. Eh hindi naman lahat ng tao kalevel mo sa kamulatan. Kasalanan yan ng Gay Pride movement, hahaha. But true!

Kaka-self actualization natin... kaka-I deserve nothing less... kaka-hanap ng acceptance sa mundong heterosexual... ayaaan... nagkakaron tayo ngayon ng heterosexual expectations sa isang relationship. Think hard about it. Saan natin kinukuha ang standards natin... ineng walang pinag-iba sa marriage vows ang gusto natin. In fact... gusto natin ng marriage contract.

I could write a book about my vehement opposition to this extremely anomalous gay relationship ideal. We can never be like husband and wife playing bahay-bahayan and stuff. We are not biologically equipped for that! And I'm not talking about procreation here. We simply have too much testosterone to make fidelity work. Promise.

And on and on and on... of course a lot of your friends in the Pusit world will slap me. What I'm saying here is blasphemous. Against their religion hahaha.

But really... all I'm trying to do here is to pull you out of this rut. Girl, bitchy girl, be a bitch and fornicate on rooftops.

Turismoboi said...

hay i feel for u

PinoyPoz said...

@RubyPurple: Thanks for bitching with me. Hugs!

@Anonymous: No, no, not L at all. This is a whole different person.

@Anonimus: I'm sorry, but this was not about being gay or hiv-positive. Not even about fidelity. It's about respect. And I know respect transcends sexual orientation and hiv-status.

@Turismoboi: Salamat. Sorry for the bitching.