Yes, I'm gay. I probably was since the day I was born. On my 21st birthday, I sort of had my debut. I came out to my parents. A little drama from mom, and some indifference from dad. An above-average coming out. Almost perfect.

Nine years later, two weeks before my 30th birthday, I found out... I'M HIV POSITIVE.

And so my story begins... I'm BACK IN THE CLOSET.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Layo-genic

Layo-genicIt’s odd. The guys who have been interested always seem to be in another continent, another country, or at least another group of islands. It’s like fate is playing a huge joke on me. A joke that’s not really that funny.

But it begs the question: Is it time to consider a long-distance relationship? Layo-genic ba ako?

It’s one thing to be a loner, a whole other thing to be ready to grow old alone, and a completely different story to give up on relationships altogether. The first and the second, I think I’m there. But to give up on relationships is just totally unlike me. I don’t learn my lesson that easily.

It was very unfortunate that the very time I was about to declare myself ready to get back onto the relationship bandwagon, was the same time I found out I was HIV-positive. And this readiness to get into a relationship isn’t like a switch that I can just turn on and off at a moment’s notice. I still continue to long to be in a relationship, in spite of HIV.

And this HIV thing hasn’t been all that bad, admittedly and surprisingly. I mean, yeah, I’ve been turned down, possibly used, led on, told white lies, left hanging, and dropped like a hot potato because of it. Sounds like torture for a pitiful pusit. But that’s all normal in the big scheme of human relationships, I guess. Let’s just say it’s a reassurance that things are still as they always were.

Neither is it the case that HIV is like a small penis that one needs to make up for in terms of other aspects like a huge personality, a mind-blowing performance, a great sense of humor or a big bike. It’s more like... uhm... a missing scrotum, or a third nipple maybe. It’s not usual, but is still something one can live with.

So on the other hand, I have also been fortunate enough to have met people who were willing to look past the pusitness of things. People, HIV-negative ones, who knew that one’s HIV status was just a single facet in the gem of what makes up a person.

So where are these guys? Why am I still single? Well, like I said, everything is still normal. So the relationship potentials of these guys are still under the mercy of chemistry, timing, and, as I’m beginning to realize repeatedly, distance.

I can’t say confidently that I’m good or bad at long-distance relationships. For me, it can go two ways: Absence-makes-the-heart-grow-fonder good, or Out-of-sight-out-of-mind bad. My first boyfriend actually worked as a Hosto in Japan, and I think I saw him off twice before we had our fallout, mostly because of the profession he was in. The reality of it was that I would always be in competition with his clients and customers.

My third boyfriend, meanwhile, needed to go to Canada for a time. And it was his time there that just wore our ties out, as he got really possessive and paranoid. I thought I was sane about it, but I just did not understand why I suddenly needed to always defend myself and pamper his insecurities, when it was his own decision to go. Eventually becoming a daily habit, it just tired me out too much and I broke it off even before he got back.

So I haven’t really had much success in the long-distance relationship arena to speak of. But noticeably, there are some couples who are able to handle relationships across oceans and seas, especially with the technology these days that makes keeping in touch a breeze. I still always thought LDRs were difficult, and unnecessary, considering the so-many-men-so-little-time mentality.

Granted, I still haven’t found it that easy to find guys who are open-minded enough about the HIV thing. They’re there, but it can feel like looking for a needle in a haystack sometimes. A treasure which, when found, carries a huge weight and millions of pogi-points to the guy’s advantage. And no one said the haystack would be easier to find than the needle it hides.

Now – if ever I do consider getting into a long-distance relationship – I want to make sure I’m not just going to do it because I’m kapit-sa-patalim already. It’s should not be like it’s a last ditch effort. I’m not going to settle for anything less. I want to be sure I’m doing it for the right reasons. And with the right person.

But what if? What if the guy for me just really wasn’t fated to be just steps, a jeepney-ride, or a bus-ride away? What if I wasn’t meant to have proximity with Mr. Right at my advantage? Am I indeed ready for a long-distance relationship? Layo-genic nga ba ako?

3 comments:

rubypurple said...

As I've said countless time, you deserve happiness. Please don't settle for someone just because you want to be in a relationship.

Please don't care whether he's your neighbor or if he lives in the North Pole. As long as he's showing the love you deserve, then go for it hun.

BadPapiNYC said...

Amen to Rubypurple!
Look at me... kulang ang airport sa mundo just to be with him kasi doon ako masaya - hugs pogs.

PinoyPoz said...

Hay, sige na nga... wait I have to make sure na payag din sya... alam nyo naman, assuming din ako minsan hehehehe. Thanks Ruby and Papi.