Yes, I'm gay. I probably was since the day I was born. On my 21st birthday, I sort of had my debut. I came out to my parents. A little drama from mom, and some indifference from dad. An above-average coming out. Almost perfect.

Nine years later, two weeks before my 30th birthday, I found out... I'M HIV POSITIVE.

And so my story begins... I'm BACK IN THE CLOSET.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Tang-in-Emo

This will be an emo post. Consider yourself warned.

I always pride myself with being a natural loner, not needing anyone to complete me. I guess it’s still true. But, man, I can’t deny I’d love to have five fingers to weave into my own, along with the hand and the arm and the rest of the person of course.

Okay, I admit, I’m miserably single right now.

Initially, when I decided to get tested for HIV, other than the fact that I just wanted to know, it was supposed to be my turning point – my turning point towards getting back on the righteous path again. Relatively righteous, that is.

You see, ever since, I was a serial relationship-guy. Note that I didn’t say “serial monogamist”, because I’d be a hypocrite to claim that. I mean to say that I’d been getting into relationship after relationship since my first boyfriend back when I was 21. I don’t really know if I fall easily or just can’t pass up the chance to get to know a guy better, but I preferred to be in relationships rather that make the rounds and sleep around. As such, I felt I never gave myself time to just hook up as hooking up is meant to be.

So after my last relationship back in 2007, I decided I’d give myself a break. I made the conscious decision not to jump into the next possible relationship right away. It was a commitment in itself... to myself. I meant it so badly that I got myself a ring – a symbol of my commitment to myself – an ode to singlehood.

Between that time and the time I got tested, I was literally slutting around. I had regular fuck buddies who kept me busy, more that I’d ever been. I admit, there were times that the potential for a relationship came up, but I treated those as mere temptation, and brushed past them soon enough.

It was in 2008 that I met one guy who caused me to consider getting back into relationship mode again. And based on mere potential, I decided that enough was enough. I felt I’d exhausted the meat market more than I needed to.

And so, to mark a turning point in my life, I got tested. I dreamt of offering myself completely and purely to the guy, and living happily ever after. Indeed, a turning point it was. But not in the way I’d imagined, as I tested positive for HIV. I needed to tell this guy, in order for him to get tested, but that was practically the end of it, as all he could give was support, and his interest in me died down.

Of course testing positive threw me off a bit, I admit. But I never strayed too far from the desire to get back into a relationship again. And there have been a lot of guys who I thought I got along well with... well enough to imagine having a relationship with them.

Of course, at this point, one primary requirement would be that they know my status. It’s part of me now. Package deal. I can’t say that it’s been the deal-breaker in all cases. But at times when it’s not, I can’t help but think it’s just pity that’s taking these guys over. All the more when they eventually fade away. Am I lucky that I have HIV to blame?

There are a few, though, who I have perfect chemistry with, and who have absolutely no problem with my HIV status. But sadly, we seem to always be... uhm, geographically-challenged. Sigh.

So with all that, I’m still miserably single. Okay, maybe not miserably single. Just single. Inggit lang ako, bakit ba?

So now, my dilemma. Now I’m not speaking of anyone in particular, okay, mostly because there is no one in particular to speak of. Consider this an open letter.

Considering that you love someone, you’d like to see him or her happy. Seeing him or her happy makes you happy. You want the best for that person you care for. But what if you don’t feel that you’re the best one? What if you know that person will be happier with someone else? Can you be truly, truly happy for him or her?

Tang inang pag-ibig yan, o.

Okay, emo ends here. Hehehe.

8 comments:

wanderingcommuter said...

you'll never know naman unless you try it, di ba?! just enjoy the moment, yun lang siguro!

Turismoboi said...

if u need someone to talk to im here

PinoyPoz said...

salamat Mr. Tur!

Yanie said...

ei.. Id just would somehow like to say thank you for evry posts u publish everyday. I've bin reading it for two wiks na. It's an advantage for my age that I'm reading something discussing HIV. Im 18.. Ive realized something.. That I should be careful sa health ko.. lalo na that im just starting to realize and accept who I am.. as a bi person.. At 8yrs old, I've experienced sex.. Pamomolestiya in particular..with a male cousin..to be honest, nung time na yun di ko alam kung ano ung mali and I admit nagustuhan ko yung nangyari. After nun di na naulit for 9yrs. Till last month lang, napilit ako ng
1st B ko na gawin yung deed. And dun nagsimula. Nabuksan na nman ang pinto sa isip ko. Yeah, that was till napanood ko 1 night yung feature sa GMA network na ininterview ka. Dun na nagstart. Di ko na mapigilan na magcomment sayo after all the posts I have read. If U have time pls drop or email me a confirmation na nabasa mo to..tnx kuya..

Ian Jay A. Muñez
jake_mikee90_ianjay@yahoo.com.ph
(email & FS ad at the same time..)

Anonymous said...

hello pinoypoz...today, i have completed reading your entries and i got to know a little about you... indeed,yours is a a telenobela in the making as everyone is.

as a friend, youve only a handful as you are naturally "lonesome"

as a son, time will tell when you can really tell-all to your mom who you really are and waht have you become

as an HIV positive, it made you a stronger person, critical of people and issues that affect life and fellow.

but more than anything else, i feel your longing to find someone to give comfort and love that everyone needs.

let me express my appreciation for coming out in the world view of gma-7. i actually looked for your blogsite and started reading it. i bookmarked your site after i completed reading the 2008 entries in one seating. now, ive shared stories and lessons i got here specially to an officemate who have trusted his personal identity to me. i will continue reading your blogs and hope to know you more. thanks but i decline to call you bitch because i never that you were one when i read your entries. thanks and take care always...

PinoyPoz said...

Wow, thank you Anonymous. That was like summing up my whole blog in one comment, ha? Hehehe.

But seriously, I appreciate the time you took to read through this humble blog, and am totally flattered that you learned something from it. I got teary-eyed hehe.

Again, thank you, and take care too!

rubypurple said...

*hugs*

I love being single! But in bouts of depression, I want someone din naman. :) Then the feeling fades and I'm contented again. Hehehe. :D

I hope and pray that you find THE one for you... :D Despite constantly pimping you (*cough*), the decision is still up to you.

As for your last question aka last bout of emo-ness (hehe), I can be truly happy for that person but it doesn't mean that I am hurting. :D

O ayan, stop being emo na. As I've said before, I will not leave you and I'll take care of you! I just hope there's a person who will do more for you! Kasi shempre, iba pa din ang romantic love!!! :D

PinoyPoz said...

@Ruby: Kainis ka, na-touch ako. :-) I'm such a wimp!