Yes, I'm gay. I probably was since the day I was born. On my 21st birthday, I sort of had my debut. I came out to my parents. A little drama from mom, and some indifference from dad. An above-average coming out. Almost perfect.

Nine years later, two weeks before my 30th birthday, I found out... I'M HIV POSITIVE.

And so my story begins... I'm BACK IN THE CLOSET.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Ordinary Miracle

Ordinary MiracleIt was the evening of Good Friday that I received a text message from a blogger friend, asking how my Holy Week was going. But after a few exchanges, it was agreed, I’d tag along with him and some friends to Tagaytay the following day, Black Saturday.

This might have just been the first time I went out of town during Holy Week.

My blogger friend and I met up at our usual meeting place the next morning, within a few minutes of each other. He had a quick cup of coffee, asking me an nth time between sips if I was comfortable having two other guys with us for the trip. His concern, I’m guessing, was that we were all to have blogging in common, but with my particular blog having the least... uhm, favorable... or conventional topic of the bunch. Was I to feel awkward about that? Maybe, but hey, I’m awkward by nature. So not a problem.

After a short drive to their agreed meeting place, we walked around the corner, and there were the two guys. Oh, boy. One step at a time. Socialize, socialize, socialize. One deep breath. Okay here goes nothing. Introductions all around, initially by blog titles, and eventually by names, and the trip was on.

The drive down south wasn’t bad, and we agreed to have brunch as Josephine’s. I was just my usual quiet self the whole time, but I felt that was weighing them down. They probably thought my silence was just some depressed state expected from someone who was HIV-positive. Awkwardness! Several hours and several plates each later, we’d beaten the buffet table. We took a sleepy drive to Caleruega in Nasugbu, a house of prayer and renewal, very befitting of Holy Week. Argh.

We settled down at the lower garden of the compound to allow some of the food to go down, where we, in turn, lowered our guards. Contrary to expected, we seemed anything but prayerful – doing everything from school bashing to spacing out, watching everything from chickens to boys, and talking about everything from twitter to sex. Yes, everything. Including HIV.

My two new friends broke the ice finally, and started off with the usual questions... where I got it, when I found out, why I got tested, how I reacted and so on... questions I had no problems answering. Eventually, one of them said that I seemed to be calm about my whole situation, which I really was. I appreciated them noticing that. Although I may have scared them into looking at the risks they took in their own sex lives, I think the best part of my lecture, was them seeing the value of getting tested. Score!

And with that out of the way, I was now, like them, just any other blogger, and we went back to what was important... watching the hot boys, hehehe. I’m half-kidding of course. We trekked up to the church and spent some silent moments inside, and left seeming recharged for the rest of the posing, picture-taking, chattering, laughing and boywatching.

Our energy seemed to increase exponentially during the ride home, as we attempted a Tougher-Ten-slash-Miss-Universe-slash-I-Love-Chowking-slash-I-believe-in-the-saying portion, which kept us rolling with laughter almost the whole way back. That was a great day.

Looking back as Holy Week came to a close, I was so far from being holy the whole week. I was just lazing around. I was having fun. I never heard mass the whole week. Even during my short stay inside the church at Caleruega, I didn’t know what to pray for. Should I have prayed to be cured by some sort of miracle? But I didn’t feel that I needed that. I was bothered a bit about not wanting it, to be honest.

Until, while still lazing around on Easter morning, I caught the tail end of Charlotte’s Web on cable TV... a beautiful and touching ending it was... and then it hit me. Although it’d be nice to be Wilbur the pig, I’d much rather be Charlotte the spider for someone... for everyone. Believe me, I cried. And even looking past the pig and the spider of it all, it made sense. We always complain about not seeing any miraculous things, but maybe we do... we just don’t know where to look.

The theme song Ordinary Miracle by Sarah Mclachlan was perfect.
It seems so exceptional
That things just work out after all
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

I realized that rest, peace, friendship, laughter, contentment, and life itself... all in spite of HIV... it’s just another ordinary miracle today... everyday. Find your ordinary miracle today.




This is my first time reading your blog and i feel enchanted by the strength you got and of course your positive outlook in life.

Pls, take care always.

God bless u! ;)

john stanley said...

indeed, it was a great day spent with friends. what more could we ask for, especially when ms. philippines - visayas graced us with her presence.

PinoyPoz said...

Hahaha @ JohnStanley! I still giggle whenever that day comes to mind! Oh I forgot to mention our song and dance rendition of Spice Girls' Stop! Thank you very much, thank you very muhuhuhuch! Bwahahahaha!

Tristan Tan said...

It was privilege to have met you. Needless to say, I really had fun that day. :)

PinoyPoz said...

Thanks Tristan :-) Same privilege here.