Yes, I'm gay. I probably was since the day I was born. On my 21st birthday, I sort of had my debut. I came out to my parents. A little drama from mom, and some indifference from dad. An above-average coming out. Almost perfect.

Nine years later, two weeks before my 30th birthday, I found out... I'M HIV POSITIVE.

And so my story begins... I'm BACK IN THE CLOSET.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

I Am Me

I Am MeI apologize for that last outburst. I never planned on revealing who the person is, even though this person volunteered that information in a subsequent comment. It just didn’t matter. To make the long story short, we’ve been able to patch things up and move on. Let’s just all pretend that the Left Behind entry is a prequel to the bigger issue, the Right Behind. But hey, don’t get me wrong, my ass is well-proportioned, okay?

So with all that prior ruckus, was there anything to learn and share? Hmmm.

When I was chatting with this person and writing that entry Sunday night, I’ll be honest, I was really in a bad mood. It was a bad end to a great weekend, as well as a bad start to the week ahead. So I was pissed. And though I am usually a very patient and subdued person, I chose to go the other route with this. I was harsh. I was sarcastic. I was a bitch. I didn’t need this person to tell me how bad I was. I heard myself, and just shook my head and said I’m such a bitch. I AM SUCH A BITCH.

I was just being myself. I’m not sure how accurate I am, but I imagine people reading what I wrote and saying, geesh, this person is sick with an incurable virus, maybe he should consider being a kinder person. Should I?

I remember sometime last year, when E and I encountered a new pozzie. This new pozzie was in a pretty good place to start with, as his family and his friends knew about, supported and accepted his condition. But for some reason, he still fell into a mode of self-pity and depression. E and I were there to support him. Yes, support. *evil laugh*

Being the B.I.T.C.H. and E we were known to be, we employed the method of cariño-brutal, or tough love. Less cariño and more brutal, actually. Even as this new pozzie was giving up, swearing off getting treatment and wanting to wait for the virus to just run its course, we bashed him. We got tired of showing him the good side of things, and stopped trying to convince him, and just chose to mock him. Isn’t it just fate that B.I.T.C.H. and E, when put together, make B.I.T.C.H.-E?

New pozzie was pissed to say the least. I think he went as far as hating us for not being more supportive. He said, as fellow pozzies, we should have been kinder. But geesh, E and I just knew patronizing him could do nothing if he didn’t help himself. So fast-forward to today, I think it worked. This now not-so-new pozzie is now a friend, and is in an extremely positive mindset, moving on with life, and even sharing his story.

Lesson learned? Suddenly being HIV-positive does not necessarily make us suddenly kinder, just because we’re supposedly in a tough chapter of our lives. Not even with fellow pozzies. Neither is it the case that we are bitchy at times because we have HIV. We are bitchy at times, because that’s the way we always were – even before the virus.

Maybe it’s part of the Life-Goes-On philosophy I encourage with HIV. HIV does not change who I am. I am not HIV. I am still me. And as with life, everything else – yes, even bitchiness – goes on.

But it’s not one-sided, okay. The world around us goes on as well. So don’t treat us like we are HIV. Love us not because of the virus, but because of who we are. In the same way, you are also entitled to hate us. But hate us not because of the virus, but because of who we are.

I am not HIV. I am me. I am B.I.T.C.H.

2 comments:

G said...

Friend of mine once said (in jologs fashion), you can take the girl out of Valenzuela but you can never take Valenzuela out of the girl.

Bitches rule! :-)

PinoyPoz said...

Shucks... So are you confirming na bitch nga ako? Huhuhu. Hehehe.