Yes, I'm gay. I probably was since the day I was born. On my 21st birthday, I sort of had my debut. I came out to my parents. A little drama from mom, and some indifference from dad. An above-average coming out. Almost perfect.

Nine years later, two weeks before my 30th birthday, I found out... I'M HIV POSITIVE.

And so my story begins... I'm BACK IN THE CLOSET.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

The Song

You came at a time when I wasn’t expecting anyone, nor looking for that matter. But you came. You were there. You appreciated who I was. You showed me my strength. You gave me a high. You helped me take flight. You made me soar. You were my lift.

But what happened?

Just when I got so used to having your arms around me, and my hand in yours... just when I needed you... I lost you. And without your lift, I went from a gentle glide to a steep dive. And the harsh reality is, the higher one flies, the harder one falls... and the worse it hurts.

I never learned my lesson. I’ve soared several times before. I’ve plummeted several times as well. And been hurt even more. But still, I’ve always wanted to fly. Everyone deserves to fly.

I opened myself up to you. I broke down my walls for you. But what happened? I was left standing there, bare of the walls that used to protect and comfort me. I shuddered with every gust of wind against my nakedness.

And these walls, they would have been as easy to build as they were to break down. But walls, they’re only as strong as the foundation upon which they stand. And with every ray of self-doubt and every drop of insecurity you brought me, the elements eroded my foundation.

Was that it? Was that all you needed from me? It hurt to have to second guess myself. Paranoid? Yes, I am. And with hundreds of questions without answers, I had no choice but to be.

What changed? What happened? Why did you seem so distant? Why did you disappear? Was it something about me?

Now, I’ve been slowly trying to pick up the pieces. Trying to convince myself that I wasn’t broken. Trying to forget. Trying to move on.

And now, you choose to make your presence felt... again. Why now? Why just now?

Has anyone else had a song written for and dedicated to them? It would be the most wonderful and flattering thing, right? It should be. But right now, it’s not. Not yet. It just reminds me of all my weaknesses you exposed... all my insecurities that I’ve been trying so hard to forget.

I promised myself I wouldn’t cry. And I won’t. If there’s one thing you taught me, it’s that I am strong. I will be strong.

I’ve been playing it over and over and over for the past five hours now. I’m going to keep on playing it until I’m numb. Until all the questions stop. Until it no longer hurts. It’s my fault. Just give me time.

But regardless, the song is beautiful. Thank you. Thank you.


rubypurple said...

and I thought I'm the emo one... pfffft... hehehe...

I'll just hug you tightly na lang kasi you already know how I feel about this.

Basta, don't close the door yet.

PS. Ang ganda ng song.

Tristan Tan said...

Join the club. :) penge naman ng song.

PinoyPoz said...

I haven't been authorized to share the song yet eh...

But when this guy becomes a famous singer, I'll claim my place, probably get goosebumps and whisper, "That's my song..."

wanderingcommuter said...

aaawww... the saddest part on this one is we are always just grateful... and we should be contended with that part!

CyberneticSerendipity said...

Ah yes, I feel for you. Sometimes, it is a song that encapsulates what we feel, especially at a time like this.

Like this song...

Peace my friend, and God bless.

Anonymous said...

Hello Pinoypoz,

How are you doing? Is it okay if I create a link of your blog in our social network on HIV and AIDS?

Thank you!

Best regards,

PinoyPoz said...

Sure, YAFA! Thanks!