Yes, I'm gay. I probably was since the day I was born. On my 21st birthday, I sort of had my debut. I came out to my parents. A little drama from mom, and some indifference from dad. An above-average coming out. Almost perfect.

Nine years later, two weeks before my 30th birthday, I found out... I'M HIV POSITIVE.

And so my story begins... I'm BACK IN THE CLOSET.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Speaking Up

Shhhh...I'm certainly the type of person who accepts criticism well. Hell, I spend most of my life laughing at myself. That's not bad, it's fun. I live on humility, and that's one thing I'm proud of.

When I started this blog, there was always the option not to allow comments to be posted on my entires. But hey, why the hell wouldn't I? Even now, each comment left has an option for me to delete it, something that I don't think I'll do unless it's something really really offensive or irrelevant.

So with that said, I'm not planning on deleting any comments posted... But that doesn't mean I can't react. Hehehe.

This morning, I opened the day with three new comments left on one of my entries, apparently by one and the same person. I just felt the need to... uhm, I don't know what better word to use... defend myself. Okay, maybe clarify would be a good word. So here goes my... clarification.

Anonymous said...
i am positive too, and i am very happy when the doctor told me that im positive. i didnt flt bad or had a regret for all the things ive doned. coz it has doned. so now, im on the stage of exploring things in life. the way you address your blog. it seems until now you still not accepted the gift you have.

by the way im from quezon city also. im 25 when i found out that im positive and now im 28. i told it to my frend when i realized that im positive. thats why sometimes, i have the time to share my life with her if i need to. coz i you need someone who can be there for you if you need somebody to cry on. somebody will say to you. "IKAW KASI" you know that. its more happier if someone will address it to you and made you realized that life is so great. so have a friend.

if you need someone to talked to. im here. hehehe. but i know you will keep it to yourself about that gift. remember its not a disease its a gift. you should be the first one to accept urself before someone will accept u. ako ung anonymous lahat sa blog mo

And PinoyPoz says...
Okay, I admit I wasn't exactly ecstatic to find out I was HIV positive, I mean honestly, who would be? But I was far from being depressed. Surprised a bit maybe... but I've been dealing with it.

Regret is not something I normally have, I'm not the type. I think I've mentioned that in one of my earlier entries. The nearest thing to regret that I feel right now is due to the reality of the possibility that I may have brought harm to those that I have encountered. I would rather die to keep them safe.

I can honestly say that I have not shed a single tear of sadness since I found out that I was poz. Just please hold the sappy song and the mushy movies, okay? As such, I haven't even considered the need to have a friend to be my shoulder to cry on. Why cry? Life is great! And I knew that long before I found out I was poz, and not because someone told me. :-)

Living with HIV still remains something that one cannot brag about or be proud of. Not in this world that's been brewed by generations that lack understanding, and that foster stigma and discrimination for our kind. So until the world has a major attitude change, or the self-righteous die out, confidentiality and anonymity are my friends.

HIV is a disease, but I regard it as a blessing. I mentioned it before in an earlier post. It's not normal to have HIV, but it's not abnormal. It's not ordinary. It's extraordinary. I'm special. And it's an honor to be able to share my life with you.

So there. I'm just not sure who misunderstood who. If Anonymous was reading the same blog I was writing. If he or she didn't read from the beginning. If some things were getting lost in translation.

I admit I'm no expert on living with HIV, but then give me a break. I'm just barely two months into this, I still have a lot to learn, but I think I've been doing great for a beginner. My whole HIV life is unfolding through this blog, so you tell me how I'm doing. If this isn't accepting it, I don't know what else is.

Klaro? Hehehe...


thonnibg said...

I think you`re dealing with the HIV more than great.I say this cuz I`ve already read all your entries.I admit,if I was you I wouldn`t take it that easy.Or maybe I would.Dunno.When people hear a diagnosis like this either they get depressed or they react like you,Pinoy.And I think your way is the right way of reacting.One thing that I`m almost sure in is that I would find somebody from my family to share it with.This is why I`m trying to persuade you to tell your sis about that:)hehe
But you already told me that you intend telling her and I`m glad to hear that.Other than that I also respect your right to solitariness.Cuz I`m a loner too.

HIV is something you absolutely should NOT be ashamed of.But on the other hand I don`t think it`s a gift.This is only my personal opinion.

Many hugs as always

PinoyPoz said...

Thanks Toni! Certainly it's not a gift that is to be given away, or a gift that is to be sought or envied. Hehehe. But perhaps it's similar in the way that once you have it, you make the most of it. :-)

E L R o i said...

Hello...I've read some of your posts here and it's kinda interesting.....I understand what you're going through coz we're in the same boat.....the only difference is that I am now in the rebuilding phase of my life as an HIV positive person......I hope you can learn something from my blog when you have the time to visit and read it. Thanks, God bless you my brother!

E L R o i said...

By the way, I've read that you said HIV is a blessing and I am so sad to read that. Anyway, it's just an opinion of mine but I guess HIV is better be considered as a consequence of our unwary actions what do you think?

I have another question, how can I obtain a world time map like yours in my webpage? also I would like to put a song like yours but how? I want to put "Fly Like A Bird" by Mariah Carey thanks for the assistance i really appreciate it.

PinoyPoz said...

Thanks for taking time to read my blog elroi. I have also taken a peek at your blog and respect your point of view. Thank you for sharing that with us.

I do maintain that this is a blessing. A blessing because I believe it has given me an opportunity to share my experiences with the world. A blessing because if He thinks I deserve this, then I am honored.

Seeing it as a consequence fosters regret and negativity. I do take responsibility for my actions, but have no regrets as to who I am. I am me. :-)

As for the clock and music, you can visit, and for each. If you need assistance, let me know.

Thanks again elroi. Take care out there...

Anonymous said...

hey.. have my big hug here... someone post the url add of your blog site in multiply... thank you for sharing the experience u having now... god bless---edwardrew

PinoyPoz said...

thanks erwardrew. i saw the multiply entry, and thank you guys for the support. i saw some pics of you too, and you're hot!... but of course, that's off-topic, hehehe.

macRolekz said...

HIV is NOT a gift. I hope other bloggers will be responsible enough and make sure they do note that. It's a disease that gives people a lot to struggle with. Just the same as Diabetes, Cancer or any other kind of disease. It is NOT a gift.
The gift is that it is now a manageable disease. It is not a life sentence anymore. The gift is that people are getting more and more aware of HIV and becoming more responsible to get tested and is able to get the proper treatment if found positive.
HIV is NOT a gift. The real gift are those people, especially those positive guys who stands up and puts the HIV awareness into the forefront. The gift are the little acts like this blog that does its own little way to inform people that there is life even for those who have HIV.
The gift is knowing that you helped others even if you are having a tough fight of your own.
Regards to you pinoypoz and stay healthy.

E L R o i said...

Hello Pinoypoz! thanks for the clock thing and lyricsdownload thing. I just found them cute to be on my website too.....I will be working on it.

I agree macRolekz that HIV is not a gift nor a blessing....every time I teach HIV & AIDS and a Christian response, I always say that it is not also a punishment from God but just a simply a part of this fallen world we are living presently.