Yes, I'm gay. I probably was since the day I was born. On my 21st birthday, I sort of had my debut. I came out to my parents. A little drama from mom, and some indifference from dad. An above-average coming out. Almost perfect.

Nine years later, two weeks before my 30th birthday, I found out... I'M HIV POSITIVE.

And so my story begins... I'm BACK IN THE CLOSET.

Monday, June 16, 2008

My Sanity

straightjacketExactly two months ago today, I found out that I am HIV positive. Not exactly something to celebrate, but maybe just reason enough to be happy that I’ve survived this long and managed to remain sane… for now.

My HIV journey has slowed down a bit, after hitting that speedbump of needing to tell someone before getting started on the ARVs. Someone to help me on my journey. Easier said than done. I’m still numbed at the proposition, and still trying to figure out what to do next. I’m tempted to ask how urgent it is for me to start on my ARVs.

I was talking to a Swedish poz guy I encountered on one of the gay personals sites I frequent. In his opinion, I wasn’t doing too badly, and he didn’t think I needed the medication too urgently.

He may not be a medical expert, but he speaks from experience of living with HIV for 4 years now. So I have to admit that what he says does carry some weight with me.

So I’m tempted to think. What’s the real deal anyways? What’s really going on? Do I really need to start on anti-retroviral medication? Or is this sense of urgency merely a ploy to try to fasttrack my “coming out” to my family? That’s just playing with my emotions, and really not very much fun. Emotional blackmail, to be harsh about it.

I hate having to bother to think such sinister thoughts, but I’m left with no choice. If I am advised to start my ARV medication, why was I not counseled further while I was there, or even given a date for counseling or starting the medication? It would be really, really tragic if my condition was aggravated just because I was not able to start my ARV medications earlier, right?

I’m left with a lot to think about, but fortunately it hasn’t exactly been causing sleepless nights and restless days. Now you know why I need to celebrate my sanity at this point. There might not be much of it left. Get that straightjacket ready.

9 comments:

YAJNAT said...

hey there u brave little one...my advice is try to talk to a big tree...im not kidding...just find a big,,,huge tree around...get comfortable and talk...pour everything whats inside you...

PinoyPoz said...

I'm afraid it might stress the tree out too much, cause it to commit suicide, and leave me responsible for deforestation... sigh... paranoia... :-)

Anonymous said...

hey i like your song. thats the song i like to play on my funeral and showing my picture. thats no matter how hard it is, i still manage to enjoy life but no matter how hard life is a great life is i still cry. huhu. im crying now, not because of my situation but on your situation. if you like someone to talk to. im here. but i cant post my number here coz somebody might knew it. unless you will delete it. even on text message,
warrior is a child

Anonymous said...

im trying to message you on your article SCARY and i was mentioning that you should not be scared coz wer just the warrior. and the best song to describe is warrior is a child. now, im listening on the song. goosebumps.even if my comment was not accepted. im hearing the song.

PinoyPoz said...

thanks yajnat, anonymous and anonymous... no reason to be sad about my situation. instead, be happy for yours. :-) it's all good. hearing from you guys is a big help already. thanks again.

Anonymous said...

hey its me. the anonymous and the anonymous. hehehe. that's it be brave even one minute you like to cry and scream out loud.

I'm here for you! said...

Hey there.... I've been reading your blog for quiet some time now. About the ARV thingy I think it wouldnt hurt if you undergo ARV medication ASAP. Do it while your body can still bare the side effects of the treatment then live a healthy lifesyle while undergoing the treatment.

Eat a lot of detoxifying veggies and fruits. Exercise regularly and rest well and pray!

I'm here for you! said...

Does Fusion Inhibitors (FI's) ring a bell?

Excerpt from: http://www.tibotec-hiv.com/gldisplay.jhtml?itemname=glossary#gl_Crossresistance

The newest class of available antiretroviral medications that block HIV from entering the body's healthy cells. This medication must be administered (by injection) by a doctor.

PinoyPoz said...

thanks for that "i'm here for you!"... i would love love love to get started on arv medication as soon as possible, but it's dealing with having to tell someone in the family that's making it a huge leap... what can i say? i'm chicken :-)