Yes, I'm gay. I probably was since the day I was born. On my 21st birthday, I sort of had my debut. I came out to my parents. A little drama from mom, and some indifference from dad. An above-average coming out. Almost perfect.

Nine years later, two weeks before my 30th birthday, I found out... I'M HIV POSITIVE.

And so my story begins... I'm BACK IN THE CLOSET.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Scary!

Scream MaskI've been so stressed out these past few days. So much of my days have been spent thinking, and thinking, and thinking. An after-effect of the last consultation I had at the San Lazaro H4 Pavilion. And it's not even about the result of the CD4 count itself.

I still can't wrap my head around having to admitting to someone in the family that I'm HIV positive. It's just been barely two months. I'm still not even completely back on my feet from the news that I have HIV. And now this?!

I remember Dr. Malou of the Social Hygiene Clinic specifically say I should stay away from stress and depression because it in turn stresses and depresses my immune system. Something not good for someone with HIV. So why are the doctors at the H4 practically forcing me to tell someone in the family?

I honestly got the impression that they were indirectly saying something to the tune of If you don't tell, we won't start you on the medication. I mean if this were really a life and death situation, regardless of who knows or does not, they should give me the medicines I need, right?

I'm expecting everyone will find out eventually, but I'd appreciate being told that I could take my sweet time. I need to be reassured that it is not a requisite to being treated. I believe it is my health that is important, and that does not directly revolve around who I am able to reveal to.

It's just really really not that easy. It's easier said than done. Dealing with HIV, I can be pretty brave. But when it has to combine with interacting with other people, I'm chicken shit. I realize that the less I know a person, a stranger to the extreme, the easier it is for me to tell about my condition. Adversely, the more I know someone, the harder it is to tell.

I've been trying to analyze why this is the case with me, and I guess the difficulty to reveal is proportional to what reputation I've built with the person. I'm not saying I have some flawless reputation which I need to protect. I've always been flawed to begin with. But telling someone I've shared years with would retrogress to the very start of the acquaintance, I imagine. It would snowball into other issues and other skeletons in my closet, like how I got it, what I've been doing these past years, when I got it, how gay I am, how promiscuous I am, how I could have hidden my alternative life, and so on. Too many questions I might not have enough time to backtrack and answer, assuming I have answers at all. Multiply that with the number of people I have to come out to, and that just scares me. I just hope it doesn't scare me to death. That'll just put me out of my misery, huh?

4 comments:

gibo said...

i would say take your time. it is not an easy process and the doctors should not force you to tell your folks about your condition.

thonnibg said...

I`m really sorry you have to go tru all that.But I too don`t understand why do you have to tell anybody about the HIV to give them a reason to start your therapy?And what if you was an orphan or you just didn`t have any relatives for example??

Anyway,I`m with you as always.Just keep beeing strong!

Hugs

IronKnee said...

I just read your blog from beginning to end, and I really enjoyed it. You write extremely well, and I feel as though I've learned a good bit about HIV that I didn't know. I plan on making a visit to your site a daily occurrence.

PinoyPoz said...

Thanks a lot gibo, toni, and iron knee. Here's the latest on that, I've been able to talk to someone who has been through the counseling, and he gets the same impression that they won't start medication unless the patient has a support group, preferably family. I think they should make some changes regarding that "requirement", or maybe have some social workers, shrinks or therapists as part of the staff. I think at this point, having just the doctors there is not enough. It's just not all about the physical.