Yes, I'm gay. I probably was since the day I was born. On my 21st birthday, I sort of had my debut. I came out to my parents. A little drama from mom, and some indifference from dad. An above-average coming out. Almost perfect.

Nine years later, two weeks before my 30th birthday, I found out... I'M HIV POSITIVE.

And so my story begins... I'm BACK IN THE CLOSET.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Yahoo!

Yahoo!I apologize. I’ve been meaning to blog since yesterday, but never got the time, nor the energy, until today. Finally.

I do have something big to write about. Well, it's big to me, at least.

Yesterday brought some news, the best I've gotten in the very recent past.

read more...

Monday, June 23, 2008

Changes

butterflyIt’s been a neutral weekend. With the typhoon that just hit Manila, it more or less kept me cooped up at home, which is not such a bad thing for me. I spent most of the weekend lazing around and stuffing myself. The power outages didn’t help though.

I realize that the weather will now be a constant battle for me. There will always be the fear of being more susceptible to coughs and colds due to the HIV. I will need to stay dry, stay warm and stay healthy. Not quite far from my usual.

read more...

Thursday, June 19, 2008

The Little Birdie

Big BirdI’ve just had my first official sleepless night. Did something happen? Definitely. Good or bad? I can’t really say.

I’ve been quizzing myself every so often with my What-ifs. One of them was What if I didn’t break up with my last boyfriend? I always wondered if things would’ve been better if I swallowed my pride, just gave him the liberty to fool around behind my back, and stayed together with him. Would this have prevented me from catching the bug? Last night, my question was suddenly answered.

read more...

Monday, June 16, 2008

My Sanity

straightjacketExactly two months ago today, I found out that I am HIV positive. Not exactly something to celebrate, but maybe just reason enough to be happy that I’ve survived this long and managed to remain sane… for now.

My HIV journey has slowed down a bit, after hitting that speedbump of needing to tell someone before getting started on the ARVs. Someone to help me on my journey. Easier said than done. I’m still numbed at the proposition, and still trying to figure out what to do next. I’m tempted to ask how urgent it is for me to start on my ARVs.

read more...

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Scary!

Scream MaskI've been so stressed out these past few days. So much of my days have been spent thinking, and thinking, and thinking. An after-effect of the last consultation I had at the San Lazaro H4 Pavilion. And it's not even about the result of the CD4 count itself.

I still can't wrap my head around having to admitting to someone in the family that I'm HIV positive. It's just been barely two months. I'm still not even completely back on my feet from the news that I have HIV. And now this?!

read more...

Friday, June 06, 2008

Ear Drummed

drumsYesterday was a lot to think about.

But come to think of it, this past Thursday at H4 was equally a workout for my brain, with all the thinking and paranoia, as it was for my ears, with all the chattering and cackling I witnessed there.

read more...

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Brain Overload

brainMy Thursdays still have not managed to let my guard down. Again, it was H4 day. I was out of the house by 7:00 am, and a tricycle and a jeepney ride later, I reached the HIV ward of San Lazaro Hospital. It was just 8:00 in the morning, and lo and behold, I was first on the list!

I don't think they expected anyone that early, so the nurse just sat me down by the seats by the door of the building to take a breather, before they took down my vitals and while they finished their duties and reports.

read more...

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Speaking Up

Shhhh...I'm certainly the type of person who accepts criticism well. Hell, I spend most of my life laughing at myself. That's not bad, it's fun. I live on humility, and that's one thing I'm proud of.

When I started this blog, there was always the option not to allow comments to be posted on my entires. But hey, why the hell wouldn't I? Even now, each comment left has an option for me to delete it, something that I don't think I'll do unless it's something really really offensive or irrelevant.

So with that said, I'm not planning on deleting any comments posted... But that doesn't mean I can't react. Hehehe.

read more...

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Bang, Bang...

gun to headThursday is coming up fast again. I’m not nervous. A bit excited actually.

I know I should be sleepless, panicky and paranoid by now. But hey, it’s just a CD4 count. Worrying about it won’t help. As the song says, Que sera sera, Whatever will be, will be.

read more...

Monday, June 02, 2008

Time Flies

hourglassI just got back from a loooong weekend. After last Thursday spent at San Lazaro, Friday morning signaled the start of a big family weekend. From my dad’s side of the family, aunts, uncles and cousins already based in the US came home to the Philippines. Some of them I hadn’t seen in twenty-plus years. Add to that most of the clan based in the Philippines, most of whom I haven’t met or don’t even know. We all headed to the southeastern part of Luzon, to go home to our province in Bicol.

read more...