Yes, I'm gay. I probably was since the day I was born. On my 21st birthday, I sort of had my debut. I came out to my parents. A little drama from mom, and some indifference from dad. An above-average coming out. Almost perfect.

Nine years later, two weeks before my 30th birthday, I found out... I'M HIV POSITIVE.

And so my story begins... I'm BACK IN THE CLOSET.

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Things I've Learned

Christmas this year has been so different. It’s been an extended holiday season, but I’ve become thankful that I didn’t get my wish to sleep through the holidays. I’ve had a healthy balance between staying rested and keeping busy, and been swamped with almost every emotion there is, more happy moments than sad, I’m pleased to say.

The usual family stuff has been there, but with the several days that have been dedicated to helping Baby Nathan’s family out, they’ve become my second family as well. It’s been almost a week since Christmas passed, and still the season of giving remains. And with everything that has been happening, I can say that I have been learning a lot.

Here are just some of them...

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Friday, December 26, 2008

My 1st Christmas

Christmas HeartFinally, another Christmas Day is over. It wasn't as bad as I expected it to be. No sadness, no crying. Hardly any consciousness even. I was nothing more than half-comatose yesterday, asleep for most of it, only waking up and getting out of bed to eat meals and take showers. What the hell happened? Let’s flash back to Christmas eve and start from there.

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Wednesday, December 24, 2008

My Christmas Spirit

I was awoken this morning at 5:00 am by a call on my mobile phone. The ringing didn’t last long. When I checked, it was an unknown number, so I dozed back off again. The next thing I heard was my message alert, which is a bit more annoying than my ringtone. That brought me to my senses.

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Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Positivism - Facts


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Sunday, December 21, 2008

Not so Christmasy

Xmas StockingOh, shit. Four days to go till Christmas.

It’s never been a day or a season I look forward to. Ever since I had the maturity – or should I call it angst – to look beyond the decorations, the gifts and the food, and into all the emotions that are wrapped up with it, I’ve come to realize how the holidays have usually been a lonely time for me.

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Wednesday, December 17, 2008

HIV on TV

On December 1st 2008, World AIDS Day was celebrated. It’s a bit sad that just one day is dedicated to HIV and AIDS, but still it’s better than nothing. Contrast that day to the whole month of December which is something like Prostate Cancer Awareness Month. But hey, who am I to compare?

Nonetheless, I’ve noticed that HIV and AIDS has been the subject of choice for some forms of media, especially television.

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Monday, December 15, 2008

Rumors & HIV

Years ago, I recall a friend of mine asking for help, because someone – an obsessed fan or a jilted lover – was writing nasty things about him in some online forums. He was called a thief, a sex addict and a liar, even broadcasting his address, his landlord, his number, the company for which he worked, and worst of all, it was being said that he was HIV positive. I knew the guy well enough to know he was a good guy, but I never questioned if the HIV part of it was true or not. I didn’t need to. All I did was report it to the webmaster, who eventually deleted the forums and the profiles being used to spread the rumors.

Eight months into being positive myself, HIV is suddenly a big issue. The ultimate nightmare for anyone with HIV, me included, is to be outed or even just speculated to have HIV. This is primarily because of the stigma attached to it. Hell, the stigma is so bad, that even if it’s not true, it can still be a nightmare.

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Friday, December 12, 2008

A Positive Christmas

Positive ChristmasIt was Friday, but I took the day off from work. I still woke up early though, to take a trip to the Social Hygiene Clinic to get the results of my Quantitative RPR. Nothing alarming, just part of the monitoring for my syphilis.

From there I headed straight to my favorite barber who gave me my signature semi-kalbo, after which I treated myself to a hairspa. Having not that much hair left and having a hairspa doesn’t make sense, but I mostly do it for the massage that comes with it. It borders between being extremely relaxing and slightly arousing. I don’t even know if he’s really good at it, or if I just find him that hot. It feels so good that I get chills down my spine. And so much chills that I get confused whether I’m truly aroused, or just need to pee. Mmm.

It was just 11:00 am. So did I take a leave just to get my lab results and treat myself to a haircut? No, of course not. That was just the beginning. All in preparation for a big day, my first Christmas Party at the RITM.

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Monday, December 08, 2008

Selfish is Good

Disclosure. I seem to be doing it more often than I expected.

Saturday saw me disclosing my HIV status once again to one of my buddies. Yes, sex buddies. But the outcome was a bit different from the usual, and I’ve been left analyzing the situation. I’d appreciate your opinion on this as well. Might being selfish be a good thing?

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Saturday, December 06, 2008

Coming Clean

Coming CleanFinally, I can write about R. We’d met the first and only time earlier this year, when a common friend of ours organized a threesome. My friend and I drove to R’s place, and roarrr, I liked him. He was my type: manly, mature, smart, and very dominant. But being an expert at threesomes, I always make sure the guys I’m with get their fair share of the action. So we did the deed.

R and I kept in touch after that, but before there was any opportunity for us to meet again, I found out that I was HIV positive. And for lack of having an excuse to see him again, I told him.

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Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Burn the Notebook

Yesterday was a usual day. Worked. Headed home. Had dinner. Took a shower. Drank my meds. Hopped into bed. But I had no plans of sleeping. I was waiting for Reporter’s Notebook, a show on GMA channel 7, which was to have a post-World-AIDS-Day feature on HIV and AIDS. I couldn’t wait. I knew it would be late, but man, it started at midnight, way past my 10:00 pm bedtime. Even worse, they started with another feature, on firecrackers. Yawn.

Finally, at 12:30 in the morning, the segment came on. It was hosted by Maki Pulido, and sort of started me off with a Huh? when she introduced HIV as short for Human Immuno Virus. Hmm, not a good sign.

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Tuesday, December 02, 2008

World AIDS Day 2008

World AIDS Day 2008November 30th – a national holiday, Bonifacio Day, but oddly moved to December 1st. December 1st – not normally a big day, especially in a country whose Christmas season starts on the first day of the –ber months. But this year, I was expecting something more. December 1, 2008 was the 20th year of commemorating World AIDS Day.

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Sunday, November 30, 2008

A Positive Day

POSITIVISM.PHThanks to President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo, December 1st was declared a national holiday. It really doesn’t make sense to have to move a holiday that already fell on a weekend, but who am I to turn down a long weekend? More time to rest. But I was expecting it to be a boring one.

Friday night was nothing more than an early-to-bed thing, after turning down a dinner invitation after my long day at work. Saturday didn’t prove me wrong either, although someone did ask me out on a date, but cancelled last minute. I just ran some errands at the bank and the local mall instead. Sunday wasn’t shaping up to be any better, especially since it was drizzling most of the morning. Yawn.

This was until I got an unexpected message... Drum roll, please...

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Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Coming Out?

Coming Out?I started this blog feeling like I was, as entitled, Back in the Closet. But as I went along my HIV journey, I started seeing that things weren’t so bad. And especially since the so-called HIV advocacy groups showed me how they were Back in the Panic Room, I realized how relatively liberated I was about this HIV thing.

I think it was my effort to learn more about my condition that gave me some visibility to the road further ahead. Okay, maybe not so much as to just blurt it out to my family just yet. But it’s like I’ve become was comfortable with myself again, ready to face the world. So am I actually coming out?

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Saturday, November 22, 2008

What About Me?!

me!The past few posts have all been about Baby Nathan. Baby Nathan, Baby Nathan, Baby Nathan. It’s all been about Baby Nathan.

What about me? I have HIV too, you know? How have I been doing? This is my blog, remember?

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Saturday, November 15, 2008

Everybody Happy

BITCHOut of the house before 8:00 am, early for a Saturday, I trekked out to EDSA to get picked up. Picked up?! Yeah. I was sitting at the local Ministop when I got a call that he was about to drive by. I told him what I’d be wearing while walking out to wait up front. When he drove by, he waved me over and I stepped into his car and we drove off. This was bound to be a happy day.

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Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Christmas Campaign

Christmas PresentA quick update on Baby Nathan. I just talked to Ate over the phone this afternoon to check on him. Other than the fact that he had a fever, which I’m hoping isn’t due to allergic reactions to the ARVs, Ate says he’s doing fine. She says Baby Nathan is starting to gain weight, and says it’s definitely showing on his face. I flash back to the pictures of chubby cheeks posted above the bed at the hospital, and I just wanna cheer him on towards that.

I asked Ate what Baby Nathan needs right now, and aside from the Alactagrow milk and the diapers, she mentioned that he was put on some vitamins. She asked that I hold for a while, as she contacted the ward to ask what particular vitamins he was on. Coming back, she said the baby was put on a regimen of Heraclene. It sounded like some mythical detergent.

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Sunday, November 09, 2008

Early Christmas

It’s Saturday. A rest day. But surprisingly, I did everything but rest. This day left me with feet sore from walking all day, and poorer than when I got out of bed this morning. What the hell happened?

E had sent me a text message midweek, asking if I had some extra dough on me, because someone at the RITM needed help. I’m really not the type to give alms to beggars, but this case was so different. It just had me reaching for whatever I had. And I hope it does the same to you too.

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Thursday, November 06, 2008

License to Drama

Since being immersed in the world of HIV more than six months ago, I’ve been lucky enough to be given little chances to try my hand at counseling – talking with others who are dealing with HIV. Some who are about to get tested, some who are waiting for results, some who’ve just tested positive, some who’ve just tested negative, some who are concerned about medications, and some who have been living with HIV. I can’t say I’ve seen it all, but I’ve seen a lot. And I think it’s dealing with the emotions which is the toughest thing.

I’ve said before how the HIV bomb being dropped on you can be a really daunting thing. It is, it is. But does it give you all the right to be a bottomless supply of depression and negativity? Is HIV a license to drama?

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Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Opposites Attract

Yin & YangOkay, before you think this is anything about sex or dating, stop. No malice, no hard-ons, no orgasms. This is way better!!!

I had taken a leave from work, because November 4th was a big day. Huge! We attended our first meeting yesterday with the rest of the Positivism team in Makati. These were the negative people who were, uhm, thinking positive. These are the people who have been furthering our cause. It was bound to be a wonderful day.

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