Selfish is Good

Disclosure. I seem to be doing it more often than I expected.

Saturday saw me disclosing my HIV status once again to one of my buddies. Yes, sex buddies. But the outcome was a bit different from the usual, and I’ve been left analyzing the situation. I’d appreciate your opinion on this as well. Might being selfish be a good thing?

This guy and I had met online a couple of months ago, and he’d expressed his desire from the start for us to at least become friends. Why not? But keeping wary that something more than friendship might happen, I’d minced his mind that early on his inclinations when it came to sex. He said he was open to anything except unprotected sex. That was a surprising but welcome reply.

Eventually, a day came when we happened to be in the same mall on the same afternoon. Normally these days, I’d do everything in my power not to meet someone new who wasn’t aware of my HIV status, but my courage in this incident came from his declaration of safe sexual practices. Add to that the fact that we technically didn’t plan on having sex. And, as always, I had my safe sex kit handy, as a last resort. And so I agreed to meet. We had some drinks, talked, and went on some errands together. Eventually, he ended up taking me to his place that evening, where we had sex.

I didn’t expect anything further than what happened that fateful day, and since we had safe sex anyway, I didn’t feel the need to tell him I had HIV. But as luck may have it, he enjoyed my company, and he ended up inviting me out to his favorite bar for the following days and couple of weekends. He’d introduce me to his friends, share a couple of beers with me, and even have me give him an occasional blowjob in the restroom. We agreed it was nothing romantic, just a... uhm, a normal friendship.

Although we never really fucked again after that first time, with the days and the weeks passing by, he still didn’t know I was HIV positive. And at that point, I felt it was too late into the odd friendship we’d built to tell. And so I just quit. I couldn’t stand hiding it anymore, but didn’t know how to tell, so I started avoiding him.

Almost every weekend since then, he asked me out, but I just made excuses. Until this last weekend, he invited me out again for a drink, and I ran out of alibis. So I wrote a text message divulging my secret, and just pressing Send made my knees weak. But he made it worth it. His reply was one of the best so far. So what? I still want to see you. I’m your friend. We were safe anyway, right? I honestly couldn’t believe what I was reading.

So I agreed to meet him finally in the afternoon, just for a short talk, before some work he had to do before sundown. But what transpired was just so unexpected. After reassuring me that he was still a friend, that he knew everything about HIV and AIDS having read on it before, and that he was 100% sure he was safe, he suddenly changed his tone, reprimanding me and lecturing me for not telling him from the start.

I was reasoning out that we practically just bumped into each other at the mall at the time, and had no real plans of having sex. Also in the back of my mind, I was thinking, hell, I didn’t know you well enough to disclose to you. But he just kept pointing out that it was my responsibility to tell. He wanted to make sure that next time, I would.

The worst thing he said was that if we had done it unprotected, he’d probably be mad enough to beat me up. I know I felt fear at that point.

I was trying to explain that it wasn’t that easy or simple to tell, but he repeatedly cut me off, saying that life itself isn’t easy or simple. Geez, was it me or were we losing the connection? Seeing that he wasn’t willing to listen, I just stopped talking, but kept smiling like nothing was wrong. He wasn’t ready for the reality of it. I was relieved when he had to go run his errand, and just headed home wondering what just happened.

So what did happen? I do appreciate him expressing his support. But I’ve come to realize, there’s such a huge, huge difference between knowing about HIV, and understanding it. Yeah, he knew about transmission, prevention, and getting tested, but what he failed to see is the humanity involved in all the science of the disease.

It’s such a mystery to me how he could be so firm in saying that I should always tell any new guy I meet. I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s easier said than done. Am I the only one living in this country and this world where there still is discrimination and stigma attached to HIV? Not everyone needs to know. Not everyone deserves to know. Not everyone is ready to know. And not everyone is ready to tell.

I don’t deny that my HIV status is my responsibility. It is, totally. But let’s all not forget each and everyone’s responsibility to take care of themselves. Unless you were forced into the act, or do not to have the ability to make decisions of your own, your body remains primarily your responsibility. I believe it’s at these particular instances of forgetting to take care of one’s self that HIV gets its boost.

I always say it takes two to tango. When it comes to HIV, it’s easy enough for one party to point a finger, and just as easy to beat someone up for exposing you to the risk. Bruises will heal. But the fact will remain that no one can deny responsibility in such a case.

One way to stay negative is by protecting yourself. Let’s stop blaming, and just this once, be selfish. Let’s all, first and foremost, take care and be responsible for ourselves.