Panic

What is it about me? I’m trying so hard to be inconspicuous, but I’m like a flame to insects. Male insects at that. This does not help my cause. At all.

It seems to be a regular thing in my life. I get stared at, get signalled, get second looked, get smiled at, get talked to, get followed, get stalked. Everywhere. On the street, at the mall, at hotels, in restaurants, at work, in public restrooms, even at church.

Just this morning, I was riding innocently on the public bus on my way to work. And then I noticed this one guy seated several rows in front of me. He kept looking back, seemingly trying to make eye contact. And then he started moving. Usually, people would shift seats moving closer to the door as they approached their destination... to make it easier to get off, right? Be he was moving back, towards where I was seated. Good thing there was a woman with two kids sitting behind me. She must’ve helped stop his evil plans.

A couple of weeks ago, I had a panic moment on the way home from work. I was innocently walking home from the bus stop, with my usual quick stride. Then when I overtook another guy walking in front of me, I heard him say something like “Are you in a hurry?” At that point, I panicked. I was pretty sure it was me he was talking to. Who else would it be? I just kept walking. Then he said in a louder tone of voice, “Why are you in such a hurry?” I never looked back. Not until I was in front of the gate, and in the safe zone of our house.

So what is it about me? I’m hardly good looking.

In a country where all the beautiful people get facials and down their daily dose of glutathione to stay fair, I’m the typical Pinoy, son of the sun, tanned whether I like it or not. I just take baths and wash my face with soap. Nothing more.

I do not go to salons and have my hair “styled”. No gel, no mousse, no wax. I go to a barbershop and have my hair cut. I’ve needed to resort to a semi-kalbo look, literally semi-bald, to prepare myself for my destiny of a receding hairline and thinning hair. Okay, I’ll admit I do occasionally go for what’s called a hair spa, but only because I get a free body massage from my hot barber. Yum.

I do not go to extra lengths to dress up. I do not wear my collar up. I do not wear skinny jeans. I do not ride with the elf-shoe fashion. I do not layer clothes. Put me in a plain old shirt, shorts and flip flops any day.

I’m skinny. I do not work out. I am not gym fit. I have abs, but not by choice. I sweat a lot. I have thick lips. I need my teeth whitened.

So what is it anyway? It’s something, I don’t know what.

What sort of impression do strangers get from me? Is there something about me that says “I’m gay”? Do I give off some sort of man-to-man pheromone? Do I look horny? Or slutty? Do I look like a good lay? Or do I look easy to get?

Paranoia.