Yes, I'm gay. I probably was since the day I was born. On my 21st birthday, I sort of had my debut. I came out to my parents. A little drama from mom, and some indifference from dad. An above-average coming out. Almost perfect.

Nine years later, two weeks before my 30th birthday, I found out... I'M HIV POSITIVE.

And so my story begins... I'm BACK IN THE CLOSET.

Monday, May 26, 2008


busy beeI’ve been busy. Even busier than a bee.

A chat buddy of mine who I hadn’t met yet just sent me a text message last week, asking for me to get in touch with his friend. He sent his friend’s number, and I guess the timing was good. I was at the mall, with nothing else planned for the day. So I sent a message. A few more messages later, plus a short conversation over the phone, it was set, we were to meet. Let’s call him K.

Yes I admit. We had sex. One further admission, we had planned to have sex even before we met. Yes, I was a partisan to this plan. Good thing I had stocked up on condoms, right?

I don’t know what got into me, but it must have been the weeks and weeks of not having it. I just needed it. I still didn’t have a roster of poz guys to choose from, and I thought doing it safely with a stranger would be the next best thing. Honestly, I just didn’t know how to tell of my you-know-what. I didn’t have the guts. My logic told me that as long as we used protection, and this was a one time thing, it would be ok. But so much for my plan…

We got along well. Sexually compatible. Personalities matched. He was having relationship problems (yes, he had a boyfriend) and needed someone to talk to. I was a good listener and gave good advice. I liked K but had no expectations. I just enjoyed his company, and he did mine too. It was a bit of a relief that he had a boyfriend. Less of a temptation for me I thought.

But alas, we’ve been in touch since then. We exchange messages at least once a day. He’d update me about his boyfriend of course. Until that one day that K said it was over between them. At that point I was scared, dreading that he broke up with his boyfriend because of me. I knew inside I never led him on. I was never expecting. Then reality pushed paranoia aside, and K told me they a big fight and had to break up because of their irreconcilable differences. Whew.

So at this point, yes I like him as a person. He’s great company. He likes me, too. But we’re just friends, okay. We’ve even met a second time already, and seems as though this is the start of a perfect friendship. The only catch… he doesn’t know.

So now I’m stuck. Again. Another new friendship started, but still not on level ground. I’ve just dug myself deeper into the grave and added one other person to fill it in after me.


thonnibg said...

I wanna wish you good luck with K.!
And I really hope he will remain your friend after you told him about the HIV.
Keep us posted on that.

PinoyPoz said...

Thanks, I will... I'm preparing myself for the worst. :-)

lucidmoments said...

I've just started reading your blog a few minutes ago. Im just a bit worried about you having sex with other poz. I hope you know it's not safe to have it with fellow poz because you are putting yourself at a risk.

PinoyPoz said...

Of course. When having sex, even between pozzies, proper protection must be observed. Why? Because there are different strains and sub-types of HIV, and superinfection is totally possible. Not to mention all the rest of the other sexually transmitted infections that we can catch. :-)

lucidmoments said...

Looks like you've done your research on this aspect of your condition ... lol! very wise indeed! i'll link you on my blog if that's alright with you? btw, my brother is also a poz, diagnosed about the same time as you were and you probably know him, but let's just leave it at that. :) stay healthy!

PinoyPoz said...

Thanks Lucid! Yep, I'll stay healthy...

Thanks Lucid! Of course, you may link to this blog...

Thanks Lucid! It don't just look like it... I've done my research and I continue learning more :-)

Thanks Lucid! Thanks for leaving me wondering who your brother is... Hehehe. Anywho... I wish you both well!