The eve of Christmas, mass and dinner with my mom’s side of the family. And on Christmas itself, home recovering from the holiday stress. And then back to work for the few days before the turn of the year. That’s how it’s been in previous years. But this year was quite different. Good or bad? Let’s see.
The eve of Christmas was still marked off for the family. But more than my being stranded between the generations, this year I’d be the star. Oh wait, more like I’d have the star. The Li’l Bastard was to make his first appearance as the family’s new bunso at his first Christmas. He was dressed in a little grey shirt with blue piping that matched my own outfit. New places and new faces, kept him quite overwhelmed.
I successfully weaseled out of mass since pets aren’t allowed in the chapel. So we walked around the village to while away the time. Then it was time for a change of costume, as Santa Paws of course! Yes, the Li’l Bastard loves to dress up. And naturally, he became center of attention, the fashionable little whiny pup that always had his left paw up like a limp-wristed twink. Hahaha. Oh well. Mana mana.
By the end of the evening, I was just glad Christmas only happens once a year. Oi, pardon me for thinking that way as early as Christmas Eve.
Christmas Day, I had planned to stay home. But no. I had find internet access because I had work to do. Work?! I knowwwww! Work! So I spent the morning in a coffee shop at the mall, stalling enough through my iced mocha to get everything done. And then I headed back in time for lunch and to spend some home time.
The 26th and 27th continued in the same fashion. No plans, just rest. I did go out for a while to bump into a former college professor of mine to catch up on stuff over a couple of beers, but that was it. Recharge. Recharge.
I had the 28th planned out. I badly needed to go to RITM for med refill… as in two weeks ago. I had already borrowed a month’s supply of ARVs from W, with whom I share the same combination. So like a workday, I left the house at 7:00 am, but this time braved the MRT. Thankfully, it wasn’t as jam-packed as the usual workday rush hour. I actually got to RITM in under an hour, which I found amazing.
There, I texted an online friend. We were eyeballing. Meeting was easy since there were just two of us there at the clinic that early. We talked a bit. He told me about deciding to get tested after noticing he was getting sick a lot, and because he had come from a relationship with a particularly promiscuous guy. I found that amazing that he instantly thought HIV may be the culprit, not your normal reaction. He was barely a month on ARVs, and was there to complete some other baseline tests.
Ate came in and arranged for my refill. Leafing through my records, she pointed out some results. My viral load. The viral load is a quantitative measure of the HIV virus in the blood. The lower that is, the better. I’d never seen my results before. Apparently, my viral load, which is measured annually, has been UNDETECTABLE both in 2009 and 2010. I know I should’ve been jumping for joy, but I was probably in disbelief. Really?! Then my lifestyle, the medicines, and the yoga are working that well. Wow, well I’ll take that.
I left my new friend at the clinic while I went to the pharmacy. Mission accomplished. Ate also sent me to the back office, to submit some stuff for Philhealth. Oi, Philhealth is a long story...
So anyway, that done, I tagged along with my new friend for his errands. Back at the clinic, we caught the other nurse, Ate S. While figuring out my friend’s ARVs, she mentioned they’d started ARVs at the same time. Say what?! Sa kanya ako nahawa eh! I was aghast. Did they have unprotected sex? Did we have a pusit nurse all along?
Well, not quite. Apparently, Ate S suffered from an accidental needle prick injury while administering a PPD test to my friend on a previous visit. So however small the risk, she needed to have a prophylaxis, which meant a month of the very ARVs we‘re taking, just as a precaution. Talk about immersing yourself in the patient’s world, huh? A firsthand experience of ARVs. Not everyone can claim that. But she was in good spirits and was already joking about it.
Oh, and Ate S’ short stint with the RITM is about to end. She said she’d no longer be with us in 2011. Nope, nothing to do with the accident. She’s going to go to med school. I was saddened by the news a bit, she grew into such a competent nurse for us, but I know it’s for the best. You’ll never know, she might come back as our Doc S someday. Hmmm.
From there, we headed off and had lunch at the mall. An early lunch, he was, after all, coming from fasting for all his blood tests. From there, I headed back home to prepare to spend the afternoon with the hubby. Mmm.
Wednesday, the 29th, was Yoga for Life day as usual. But just after lunch, I was off on a mission in Manila. BFF and I met up and took the LRT to Tayuman. We walked a couple of blocks, and finally found our destination. YAFA. Youth AIDS Filipinas Alliance, an HIV advocacy group.
We found the address, but weren’t sure, since it didn’t look right. We knocked. The door was unlocked and opened up to a stairway. We walked up. Tao po? Someone walked out in just his underwear. Oh, welcoming committee? Hehe. Well, we seemed to catch them at the least perfect time. Let’s put things in context, they had scheduled a general cleaning that day, and there was a power interruption, thus, the outfit, or lack thereof.
As soon as they gathered their composure, we got the honor of sitting down with the famous DyingYoung. He told us all about YAFA, and BFF was able to ask his questions about one of their projects. It was actually very interesting, and reinforced the respect I have for YAFA. For such a young group, they’ve really been making waves.
From there, I got BFF to accompany me to the Manila Social Hygiene Clinic. It’s maybe been more than a year since I was last there. Nurse Malou Tan is no longer connected to the SHC. But I got to see Dra. Diana Mendoza, rebond and all. I don’t even think she remembered my name. I left some Positivism brochures with her and asked how the SHC was doing.
They still have free HIV rapid testing there at the Manila SHC, so she asked that we refer people to them for screening. They’re open Mondays to Thursdays, 8:00 am to 3:00 pm, and Friday mornings till noon.
And from there, we took the LRT-MRT route to Ortigas. After a quick snack in Shangrila, we headed to yoga early. Yoga was special today. A hundred and eight sun salutations. Yes, 108 forward bends, halfway lifts, pushups down, and upward- & downward-facing dogs. Was I confident I could do it? Not particularly. But I was going to try. And try I did.
After it all, up to today, two days after, biceps and triceps, quads and calves, back and chest, basically from the top of my neck to the soles of my feet, I’m sore. Sore in a good way. And the fulfillment of getting through the 108 sun salutations is phenomenal. Roarrrrr!
So that was my itinerary for the week leading up to the turn of the year. Sounds like a lot for just a week, especially for me. If that’s going to set the stage for 2011, then it’s going to be a busy one. Bring it on. Bring it on. With that, I hope everyone has all their fingers intact, and had a very Happy New Year. It's 1-1-11. Nagpaputok ka ba?
Saturday, January 01, 2011
Holiday Count Down
Friday, January 01, 2010
New Year, New Gen
Remember the newbie boy who joined us last Saturday at our post-Christmas thing? He’d actually just been diagnosed in November at a private clinic, and had been referred to San Lazaro Hospital. But armed with some concerns which I won’t discuss in detail, he wanted to know his other options. So I volunteered to take him to RITM. We had agreed to go on December 28th, Monday, but he begged off at the last minute as he wasn’t feeling well. Bummer.
But I decided to go visit RITM all the same, since I needed to take some gifts from Positivism for the people there. Besides, my new BFF GreenFrog was planning to go as well. So I made the trip. There, I left my package with Ate, and waited for word from the BFF. While waiting, Ate introduced me to the only other pusit who was there. Surprisingly, upon hearing my name, he had this funny look on his face as if it meant something. Hmm. His name sounded familiar to me as well.
After some questions and answers, we figured out that I had been chatting and texting with him and his friend since he got diagnosed late this year. So he was sort of one of my “kids”. We’d finally met. Funny coincidence, don’t cha think? He also lives a stone’s throw away from where BFF and I do, so I thought he could come along on our next “northern exposure”.
From there, he tagged along with me to the lounge-slash-clinic to meet GreenFrog and another of our Saturday night friends. Together, the four of us had an early lunch at Festival Mall, from where we all headed back up north. I spent the afternoon resting, during which I got a text from my newbie boy requesting I accompany him to RITM the next day. Two days at the RITM in a week? Well, I had nothing else planned, so, okay.
The following day I ran a few errands early in the morning before heading to meet my newbie at the Ayala MRT station. Within an hour, we were at RITM. He wasn’t exactly decided on signing up with RITM just yet. He was just planning on conducting an ocular so he’d have some options to weigh. But based on how well he fit into our little Saturday group, several of us agreed he belonged at the RITM. Not that we’re exclusive to some type or something, but he’d instantly be armed with a headstart of six friends should he decide on the RITM to be his HIV hub.
Upon getting there and heading to the clinic, guess who I chanced upon there? It was U! It was my U! If you don’t remember U, he’s the guy who introduced me to the RITM back when I was clueless as to where to go. So it was U and I, and... let’s christen my newbie as a new alphabet friend... let’s call him W. So it was U, W and I. Amazing.
Do you realize why it was so amazing for me? In one room, I had U, the guy who brought me to the RITM, and W, the latest guy I brought to the RITM. So if W was my “kid”, this sort of makes U my “dad”. Hehe. Three generations of pusit-dom seems like such a rare and amazing thing. Hehehe. Ok sige, mababaw na ako kung mababaw.
Evident in the teasing that ensued between U and I in the presence of Ate and W, this is really all about paying it forward. U helped me start my HIV journey with RITM, and I ought to pay that generosity forward. I know I’ve paid it forward a lot already. Hell, I’m the butt of jokes for being one of the culprits behind the increasing pozzie population at the RITM. I mean, I’m not infecting people, but rather, I just seem to be easy to find, I guess, for those who are about to begin their HIV journeys. Or maybe it’s all fate? Whatever it is, I do what I can in my personal capacity to help.
So going back to W, to my surprise, within about an hour of our getting there, he had undergone a bit of counselling, signed up, surrendered what test results he had, and gotten blood samples taken for other preliminary tests. And with that, W was official. I hated how I came under fire when the counselling got to the part of disclosing to someone in the family. Hehe. Ate knows I haven’t told anyone just yet. And Ate made sure she made googly eyes at me when it came to that part. Again, no pressure, but it was advised. Argh.
From there, U, W and I headed on back north together, as I said goodbye to each of them as they got off at their respective MRT stations and I made it home as well. It’s been a long day. I needed to rest. Hell, it’s been a long year. My first full year living with HIV is now over. Can you believe it? I can.
If my condition at the exact stroke of New Year is any indication of how this year will be, well then I’m gonna be sleepy and woozy with ARVs the whole 2010. Healthy, happy, horny and hungover. That ain’t such a bad thing, right? Anyway, I look forward to more years to come.
But for now, this is it. I really haven’t been counting, but W will definitely my last “kid” for the year. Quota na ako. Quotang quota na... for 2009, at least. Year 2010? That may be a whole other story. Pay it forward will go forward. More new years, more new generations. So for now, let me wish a hell of a Healthy, Happy, Horny and Hungover New Year to all!
Thursday, January 01, 2009
Happy New Year?
Since finding out I was HIV-positive, especially earlier on when I didn’t really know what prospects there were left for the rest of my life, I had put myself in a mindset of preparing myself to live a short life. Of course, that included having to prepare the people around me, especially my family, to get used to not having me around. And take note, as of today, still no one in my family knows I have HIV.
Among us 13 cousins on my mom’s side of the family, I might not be the least talented, but I’m certainly the least appreciated. Let’s just say, if there weren’t any papers that obligated them to recognize me as a blood relative, I’d probably be an orphan by now. And the HIV thing isn’t even part of the equation yet.
Even without the HIV factor, I’ve already probably been the biggest failure, or at least the least successful, that I’ve had to make up for it in other fields. I’m the most scrappy, I’m the least ordinary, I’m the most sarcastic, I’m the least gullible, I’m the most witty, I’m the least sensitive, I’m the most goofy, I’m the least uptight, I’m the most street-smart. These are things that I won’t exactly get citations for, but have learned to be proud of nonetheless. But that’s just it. I’m the only one who is proud of myself.
I know this all makes me sound so pitiful, but since finding out I was HIV-positive, I thought this might actually work to my advantage, making it easier for my family to cope without me, in case of my early demise.
So time-space-warp to today, New Year’s Day. Just like Christmas Eve and All Saint’s Day, another obligatory occurrence for a family reunion. This year was no different.
The one thing I was definitely there for was lunch. But heaps of rice, slabs of crispy pata, chunks of fish, and mountains of salad later, I was left in limbo.
The men were playing mahjong, whereas I hate gambling. The women were Skype-ing with my brother and other relatives abroad, whereas I was still actually enjoying my first brother-less New Year. The girls were trying on dresses and blouses, whereas I was keeping my opinion to my discreet self, not planning to be Fanny Serrano for them. The boys were playing some multi-player shooting game on their laptops, whereas I am still of the Pacman, Tetris and Minesweeper generation.
I envy my sister who has been able to break free from the obligation of attending such family gatherings. It’s as if she is no longer expected to show up. Which is sad for me, because she might’ve been the one I’d be hanging out with if she was there. But I’m happy for her. And I’d like to be that way too, no longer expected to be around.
But this was ridiculous. I’m still alive, and already it’s like I didn’t exist. I had nothing to do. I was stuck in nowhere land. Not here, not there, not anywhere. I felt as though I could’ve left and no one would notice. And that was really sad. I was just lying there on the couch, feeling my heart breaking with that realization.
Although I’ve learned not to fear death itself, I have to admit my greatest fear might be dying alone and having the life I’ve lived not sum up to anything. That I would not have done anything significant in this world. That I would be forgotten.
Spending the day with my family left me with both a happy reassurance and a sad realization: They’ll be okay without me.
Happy New Year?
