Since finding out I was HIV-positive, especially earlier on when I didn’t really know what prospects there were left for the rest of my life, I had put myself in a mindset of preparing myself to live a short life. Of course, that included having to prepare the people around me, especially my family, to get used to not having me around. And take note, as of today, still no one in my family knows I have HIV.
Among us 13 cousins on my mom’s side of the family, I might not be the least talented, but I’m certainly the least appreciated. Let’s just say, if there weren’t any papers that obligated them to recognize me as a blood relative, I’d probably be an orphan by now. And the HIV thing isn’t even part of the equation yet.
Even without the HIV factor, I’ve already probably been the biggest failure, or at least the least successful, that I’ve had to make up for it in other fields. I’m the most scrappy, I’m the least ordinary, I’m the most sarcastic, I’m the least gullible, I’m the most witty, I’m the least sensitive, I’m the most goofy, I’m the least uptight, I’m the most street-smart. These are things that I won’t exactly get citations for, but have learned to be proud of nonetheless. But that’s just it. I’m the only one who is proud of myself.
I know this all makes me sound so pitiful, but since finding out I was HIV-positive, I thought this might actually work to my advantage, making it easier for my family to cope without me, in case of my early demise.
So time-space-warp to today, New Year’s Day. Just like Christmas Eve and All Saint’s Day, another obligatory occurrence for a family reunion. This year was no different.
The one thing I was definitely there for was lunch. But heaps of rice, slabs of crispy pata, chunks of fish, and mountains of salad later, I was left in limbo.
The men were playing mahjong, whereas I hate gambling. The women were Skype-ing with my brother and other relatives abroad, whereas I was still actually enjoying my first brother-less New Year. The girls were trying on dresses and blouses, whereas I was keeping my opinion to my discreet self, not planning to be Fanny Serrano for them. The boys were playing some multi-player shooting game on their laptops, whereas I am still of the Pacman, Tetris and Minesweeper generation.
I envy my sister who has been able to break free from the obligation of attending such family gatherings. It’s as if she is no longer expected to show up. Which is sad for me, because she might’ve been the one I’d be hanging out with if she was there. But I’m happy for her. And I’d like to be that way too, no longer expected to be around.
But this was ridiculous. I’m still alive, and already it’s like I didn’t exist. I had nothing to do. I was stuck in nowhere land. Not here, not there, not anywhere. I felt as though I could’ve left and no one would notice. And that was really sad. I was just lying there on the couch, feeling my heart breaking with that realization.
Although I’ve learned not to fear death itself, I have to admit my greatest fear might be dying alone and having the life I’ve lived not sum up to anything. That I would not have done anything significant in this world. That I would be forgotten.
Spending the day with my family left me with both a happy reassurance and a sad realization: They’ll be okay without me.
Happy New Year?
Thursday, January 01, 2009
Happy New Year?
Monday, May 26, 2008
Busy
I’ve been busy. Even busier than a bee.
A chat buddy of mine who I hadn’t met yet just sent me a text message last week, asking for me to get in touch with his friend. He sent his friend’s number, and I guess the timing was good. I was at the mall, with nothing else planned for the day. So I sent a message. A few more messages later, plus a short conversation over the phone, it was set, we were to meet. Let’s call him K.
Yes I admit. We had sex. One further admission, we had planned to have sex even before we met. Yes, I was a partisan to this plan. Good thing I had stocked up on condoms, right?
I don’t know what got into me, but it must have been the weeks and weeks of not having it. I just needed it. I still didn’t have a roster of poz guys to choose from, and I thought doing it safely with a stranger would be the next best thing. Honestly, I just didn’t know how to tell of my you-know-what. I didn’t have the guts. My logic told me that as long as we used protection, and this was a one time thing, it would be ok. But so much for my plan…
We got along well. Sexually compatible. Personalities matched. He was having relationship problems (yes, he had a boyfriend) and needed someone to talk to. I was a good listener and gave good advice. I liked K but had no expectations. I just enjoyed his company, and he did mine too. It was a bit of a relief that he had a boyfriend. Less of a temptation for me I thought.
But alas, we’ve been in touch since then. We exchange messages at least once a day. He’d update me about his boyfriend of course. Until that one day that K said it was over between them. At that point I was scared, dreading that he broke up with his boyfriend because of me. I knew inside I never led him on. I was never expecting. Then reality pushed paranoia aside, and K told me they a big fight and had to break up because of their irreconcilable differences. Whew.
So at this point, yes I like him as a person. He’s great company. He likes me, too. But we’re just friends, okay. We’ve even met a second time already, and seems as though this is the start of a perfect friendship. The only catch… he doesn’t know.
So now I’m stuck. Again. Another new friendship started, but still not on level ground. I’ve just dug myself deeper into the grave and added one other person to fill it in after me.
