Yes, I'm gay. I probably was since the day I was born. On my 21st birthday, I sort of had my debut. I came out to my parents. A little drama from mom, and some indifference from dad. An above-average coming out. Almost perfect.

Nine years later, two weeks before my 30th birthday, I found out... I'M HIV POSITIVE.

And so my story begins... I'm BACK IN THE CLOSET.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Valentine's Day

I told myself I wouldn’t blog about Valentine’s Day. And I didn’t. I did blog on the 14th, but on something totally different. But right now, I just can’t help myself. The mere fact that I was blogging on Valentine’s Day meant nothing else than that I was single and dateless. Single and Dateless? That’s S.A.D. And that’s totally sad.

I hadn’t even gotten past that bit of depression I had last holidays when Valentine’s Day was suddenly just around the corner. It was actually a good thing that I had my CD4 count to worry about until a couple of days before Valentine’s. I thought the high that my CD4 count left me with was good enough to last me a while, but…

Anyways, Friday night, the 13th of February, I purposely went straight home from work, not even bothering to stroll through the two malls that I could’ve passed. I just didn’t want to navigate through the presumably huge crowds that were there. Okay, so maybe that’s not the entire reason. I didn’t want to see droves of couples walking hand in hand either. That way, there was nothing to rain on my solitary parade.

Next thing I knew, it was Saturday. The 14th. Valentine’s Day. I only had a trip to the grocery with my mom scheduled for the day. I took time to drop my little cupid, Baby Nathan a line first thing in the morning, and met my mom at the supermarket shortly after. I wasn’t really enjoying being there. I already saw some couples shopping that early in the morning, and I wasn’t too keen on seeing more. I just wanted to get out of there. So I rushed my mom through shopping, and left for home even before the rest of the mall opened.

I don’t even remember what I did the rest of the day. I think I was just watching television, snacking, surfing and sleeping for most of it. But thankfully, no drama. I even decided against going to the nearby Burger Machine, afraid of having to pity myself for going for a buy-one-take-one deal alone. The day passed by without a hitch and I was happy. I slept through the night, and Valentine’s Day 2009 was over. You’d think, right?

The following day, the 15th, I spent at home again. I was able to do some chores around the house as well, and evening came with nothing really significant happening. Right after dinner, I retreated to my room earlier than usual, and got into a text conversation with a friend. And then it happened. Cellphone in hand, with Nina singing I Love You, Goodbye in the background, I just shattered to pieces. I don’t know what got over me, but I got so depressed.

My chin trembling, tears streaming down my face, and who-knows-what out one nostril... the works. I blame my friend for telling me I made his day. I blame Nina for singing her sentimental song. I blame my right hand for pressing “PLAY”. I blame the night for being so dark. I blame my mind for losing it.

I think it was self-pity that crept in. I looked into the mirror and took everything in. I saw what others saw. I saw me. I looked okay, but still tried to figure out what was wrong with the person I was staring at. It was a question which I couldn’t answer. Is it the HIV? I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Maybe nothing is. Maybe I am okay.

Fortunately, I was able to calm myself down after that. It was over in no time. I just always enjoyed having a good sob, something I haven’t done in a while. I now needed to focus on the work week ahead, and was fast asleep in no time. I woke up with a bad headache and a mood to match, luckily without the puffy eyes. I know it’s a bad way to start the week, but hey, I’m just human.

Another Valentine’s Day gone, and hopefully no more residual dramatics. Another twelve months before I need to deal with it again. The countdown begins... now. Ngarrr.


Gian said...

Hah! I never imagined you being this sentimental. Quiet type, yes...
bah! to hell with Valentines. I spent mine munching tortilla chips and hot salsa while watching re-runs of Desperate Housewives. How's that?

Let's yahoo or facebook sometime. Ask Shola about my details.

Hugs Buddy!

PinoyPoz said...

I know! It was just one of those days... tsk, tsk, tsk. Salsa?! Yum!

Anonymous said...

*hugs* -)

peripheralviews said...

Yup, its been a while since I have started reading your entries and this from what i could remember is the only entry that you have break down your walls...

thanks for sharing!!!

Anonymous said...

See?! You should have gone out with me! ^^ I was tempted to call you, really. Hehe ^^

Next time na lang chocolates mo ha. ^^

PinoyPoz said...

mmm! chocolates! hmmm who will i share it with... hmmm... or will i?