I’ve been busy. Even busier than a bee.
A chat buddy of mine who I hadn’t met yet just sent me a text message last week, asking for me to get in touch with his friend. He sent his friend’s number, and I guess the timing was good. I was at the mall, with nothing else planned for the day. So I sent a message. A few more messages later, plus a short conversation over the phone, it was set, we were to meet. Let’s call him K.
Yes I admit. We had sex. One further admission, we had planned to have sex even before we met. Yes, I was a partisan to this plan. Good thing I had stocked up on condoms, right?
I don’t know what got into me, but it must have been the weeks and weeks of not having it. I just needed it. I still didn’t have a roster of poz guys to choose from, and I thought doing it safely with a stranger would be the next best thing. Honestly, I just didn’t know how to tell of my you-know-what. I didn’t have the guts. My logic told me that as long as we used protection, and this was a one time thing, it would be ok. But so much for my plan…
We got along well. Sexually compatible. Personalities matched. He was having relationship problems (yes, he had a boyfriend) and needed someone to talk to. I was a good listener and gave good advice. I liked K but had no expectations. I just enjoyed his company, and he did mine too. It was a bit of a relief that he had a boyfriend. Less of a temptation for me I thought.
But alas, we’ve been in touch since then. We exchange messages at least once a day. He’d update me about his boyfriend of course. Until that one day that K said it was over between them. At that point I was scared, dreading that he broke up with his boyfriend because of me. I knew inside I never led him on. I was never expecting. Then reality pushed paranoia aside, and K told me they a big fight and had to break up because of their irreconcilable differences. Whew.
So at this point, yes I like him as a person. He’s great company. He likes me, too. But we’re just friends, okay. We’ve even met a second time already, and seems as though this is the start of a perfect friendship. The only catch… he doesn’t know.
So now I’m stuck. Again. Another new friendship started, but still not on level ground. I’ve just dug myself deeper into the grave and added one other person to fill it in after me.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Busy
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Makeover
As you can see, this blog has been going through some major changes. I’ve been experimenting. Trial and error, just as I live my life. My bit of knowledge in web design has allowed me some freedom to tweak. Color scheme is new. Fonts are new. My banner is new. Even my picture is new. This is a sign that I’m really dedicated to keeping, maintaining and improving this site for everyone who remains interested. Odd, isn’t it, that I’m not focusing on HIV this time?
I’ve been undergoing a makeover myself… subconsciously. I mean, it was one big change to discover that I had HIV, but right now, I realize that I’ve adjusted. From the shocked, paranoid, jittery, worried me, I am now more subdued, relaxed, and eager to learn and share. Extremely optimistic. Happy. Back to my old self actually, but in an HIV positive way.
I’ve been getting back in touch with friends. I’ve been interacting a bit more. Hell, I’ll admit, I’ve even been on a trip to the pharmacy… of all things, to buy condoms. I know! What the fuck?!
The change in my color scheme I think can sum it all up. I’m a very visual person. And I live a colorful life. I love most colors, but most especially reds, blues and blacks.
My blog colors before were high contrasts between white, black and shocking reds. Extremely harsh. Code red always came to my mind when I’d surf this blog, which was exactly me. On red alert because of my HIV.
Now, I’ve realized that things aren’t all that bad. HIV is not my entirety. It is only part of who I am. And our eyes now swim in cool blues floating in a dark sea, punctuated occasionally by shades of red.
That’s exactly me, or how I want to be. HIV positive, but cool about it.
Give me some feedback. This blog is, after all, for everyone. This is our blog.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Oh God!
I was pleased to receive a message from Y this morning. Remember him? The guy I met at the HIV ward? After exchanging a few messages, he ended saying “Give thanks to the Lord for everything you have.” He’s not the first person who’s indirectly told me to seek the help of The Higher Being for what I’m going through right now. So I ask myself, should I suddenly be more God-fearing because I am not well?
I am not an atheist. I am Roman Catholic, and was brought up to believe in God. I studied in a Catholic school run by Dominican priests. I even served as an acolyte in more than a handful of masses. I do believe in God.
Throughout my life, I've prayed a lot. I usually pray to Him for strength and clarity. I pray that he allow me to muster up the guts to face my fears. I pray to Him to bless the people I love. I have even prayed to Him to take me, during times that I was down.
But I know why he created me. And I know why He keeps me here. It’s not my destiny to be happy. It’s my purpose in life to make others happy. I’m here to be used by others. I’m here to please. I’m here to make life better for others. I’m here to take all the crap.
I know it makes my life sound so pathetic, but I’m honored to be given this responsibility. I make people smile. I make them laugh. I give them physical pleasure. I make them feel good about themselves. I make them feel loved. I make them happy. That’s what I feel God wants me to do. And that’s what makes me happy. Pleasing others.
But I’m not religious. I repeat, NOT religious. I do not pray every night. I do not pray before and after meals. I do not go to church every Sunday. Not even now that I got infected with HIV. My relationship with Him is still as before. I know I’m still blessed. I have a lot going for me in spite of this. I’m happy that I can still make people happy.
Believing in God is one thing, but the Catholic Church is a whole other dimension in itself. In this predominantly Christian country, mainstream Catholicism comes along as too self-righteous. And there’s no better example of that, than the way it frowns on homosexuals. The way they try to turn people like me straight and lead them to the “right path”.
How can I support people who discourage the exact being of who I am? Who are they to turn their backs on someone who He created in His own likeness? Are they saying that God made a mistake when He created me?
“I believe in God”… but omit the part about “the Holy Catholic Church”. Until they learn to accept and respect every living creature on the face of the earth, they’re misinterpreting the Word of God.
God loves us all!
Monday, May 19, 2008
The LGBT Bloggers List
The Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgendered Bloggers List, or LGBT Bloggers List for short. I found this bloglist online sometime ago, and just tried to get myself on the list. To my surprise, the blog owner Sh@ney not only included me in the list, but also featured my blog in an entry he made! Thank you, thank you, thank you Sh@ney! Such a warm welcome for me into the bloggers circle.
The LGBT Bloggers List features an updated listing of bloggers and their blogsites, all created by members of the LGBT community.
The blogroll is on the blog's side panel, and all blogs are put into categories, such as by orientation like Gay Male, Lesbian Blogs, Transgender, and Bisexual Blogs, content such as Parenting, Gay Art & Poetry, Community, Entertainment, Fashion & Shopping, Photography, Travel, Health and Adult, and by regions, such as Australian, Spain, Mixed Language, Chinese, French, Asian, and even a category dedicated to Pinoys!
Why be a part of the LGBT Bloggers List?
You might not find my blog under the Pinoy category, rather with the other HIV/AIDS Related blogs. I hope this means that my blog caters to an audience beyond just the Philippines. Wow...
I am proud to be a Blogger. Even more proud to be an LGBT Blogger. Check us out at http://lgbtbloggers.blogspot.com/. It feels nice to belong.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Mothers' Day
Mothers’ Day came and went without a stir. I know I’ve not talked much about my mom, or my family even. Just so happened we don’t have the perfect relationship.
Apparently, being the youngest child doesn’t automatically mean you are the favorite and the most pampered. I’ve always been under pressure to live up to my parents’ expectations, not to mention reach the achievements of my older siblings. Something I’ve failed terribly at.
Growing up, I would willingly do chores around the house. But nothing good came from this. My mom would just end up scolding me for doing things wrong, or just not good enough. I’d be left wondering why that was the thanks I’d get for my effort, when my older brother who hardly helped got all the praises.
Conversations at home would be me saying something and getting ignored, and my brother saying the exact same thing and getting commended for his good idea. This forced me to become more passive, less opinionated, and more introspective. It made me a loner, but it made me stronger.
In primary school, I never got any awards, unlike my older brother and sister’s handfuls of medals and certificates during their graduation. I took my secondary education in the premiere science high school in the Philippines, getting into which was an achievement in itself. But my mom would only point out that though I was passing all my subjects, I wasn’t doing as well as my sister did when she was there.
I was never one to take that against them, but I could not deny that it was changing me. I had given up trying to please my mom, and ended up being an underachiever. I had accepted that I was expected to fail.
By the time I was in college, I had turned to extracurricular activities instead, where I earned some respect from my peers for my talents and leadership. My mom never knew about any of my achievements in that field, as I chose not to let her know. I was just happy to get praises from somebody. From anybody. Though my grades suffered and I went beyond the term of the course I took, I finished anyways. And I was proud of that. Maybe because I was no longer expected to graduate, and I surpassed that expectation.
I’ve mentioned that I came out to my mom when I was 21. And I did that at that time, because I knew my relationship with my mom could not possibly get any worse. It came to a point where I was wishing she would tell me I was adopted, just so I had some reason as to why she didn’t love me like my siblings. Just so I didn’t have to think that she hated me for being me.
It’s only this year that I’ve had her to myself, as my dad passed away some years ago, my sister has been married and on her own for several years now, and my brother just left the country to pursue a job abroad. She has decided to turn her attention to me finally, but as my sister says, too late the hero. It’s uncomfortable. I don’t need it. I matured early on in life because I had no choice but to. I learned too soon that I could not count on anyone but myself. That I could please no one but myself. The wall has been built. The damage has been done.
At this critical turn in my life, I have no urge to tell my mom that I have HIV. Because she wouldn’t understand. Because she’d just be disappointed… again. Because she’d just feel obligated to care for me. I don’t want her to love me because of pity. I don’t know if and when I’ll tell her of my condition, but most probably, it will be just an FYI.
How she brought me up made me what I am now. I’m quiet, because I was taught my opinion didn’t count. I’m a loner because I knew only I could accept and love who I am. I love to write, because I had no voice. I’m strong, because I learned I could only count on myself. I’m happy, because I am content with myself… I’m proud of myself.
So thank you, Mom. I just want you to be happy. Happy Mothers’ Day!
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Take the Test
The last time I was there, my new friends at the Social Hygiene Clinic, Dr. Malou, Dr. Diana, and Nurse Luz asked me to help get the word out on getting tested. So here goes...
The Social Hygiene Center of the Manila Health Department continues to offer free HIV and other STI testing until further notice. Yes, guys, girls and everything in between... it's free. They intially had the free testing for the duration of March, but thanks to other sponsors, they continue to be able to offer it indefinitely. Please, please, please take advantage.
For those interested to check their HIV and reproductive health status, you can visit the Social Hygiene Clinic from Mondays to Thursdays from around 8:30 am to 3:00 pm, and on Friday mornings from 8:30 to 11:00 am. Sorry guys, they're closed on weekends and holidays.
Why do they want everyone to get tested? Because absolutely anyone exposed to the risks can get HIV. And there are no really reliable symptoms to tell that you have it. The only way to really know, is to get tested. It's not knowing that spreads the virus.
Look at me, I never thought I had it. You could never tell. But I did. Now that I know, I will make sure that the virus stops with me. Imagine how many others I might have endangered, had I not found out.
Just so you know, you will be asked to give your real name and a code name. Only your code name will be attached to the blood samples sent to the lab for testing. And only Dr. Malou has access to the files linking your real name with the code name. They know how delicate the situation can be, and how important anonymity is to us.
They will also give you pre- and post-test counselling, just so you're prepared and informed. Yes, you can ask questions. Results are claimed from Dr. Malou as well after a few days. She even gives her personal cellphone number so you can follow-up your results.
The Social Hygiene Clinic is located on the second floor of the Manila Health Department. It has a separate entrance on the right side of the building, so it's very discreet. The Manila Health Department is along Quiricada Street in Manila, across the San Lazaro Hospital main gate. The area is located between the LRT stations at Bambang and Tayuman. If you have other questions, you can call the Social Hygiene Clinic at (+632) 711-6942.
Please consider our plea. If you need someone to go there with you, let me know. I'd gladly help.
For everyone else not in Manila or the Philippines, think about doing it too in your own city or country.
Please, please, please. They're not there to judge us. They want the best for us. But they need our help. They care. We should, too.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
POZ.com
POZ.com, the online arm of POZ magazine, is a comprehensive resource for almost every thinkable concern of people living with HIV and AIDS, as well as those around them, be it their friends and family, and others who are just interested to learn.
Topics range from What is HIV/AIDS?, HIV/AIDS Fact Sheets, Safer Sex, Getting Tested, What to Do If You've Just Been Diagnosed, Finding a Doctor, How to Find a Support System, How to Tell Someone You Have HIV/AIDS, Treatment Information, and Understanding Labwork, to Health Issues, AIDS Services Directory, Activism, Exercise, Drugs, Mentoring, Personals, Job Listings, Special Reports, Features, and so much more.
Being new at this (or with this), I too have much to learn. I'm thankful there are sites like this to help enlighten me, and you, about this disease.
