Yes, I'm gay. I probably was since the day I was born. On my 21st birthday, I sort of had my debut. I came out to my parents. A little drama from mom, and some indifference from dad. An above-average coming out. Almost perfect.

Nine years later, two weeks before my 30th birthday, I found out... I'M HIV POSITIVE.

And so my story begins... I'm BACK IN THE CLOSET.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

It's Complicated

It's ComplicatedI’ve been barely half a year, I think, on Facebook. I know, right? When Facebook was gaining popularity, I was still trying to get a hang of Friendster. And thus, my being a late bloomer with respect to Facebook. But already, I know, Facebook statuses are deadly. One little peep, and practically the whole world knows.

Papi and I have been witness to that. And not in an entirely good way, unfortunately. It's been... uhm... complicated.


In a Relationship with Papi

Like I mentioned before, this status started out as a little game for us both. I mean, yeah, I was attracted to him, but we weren’t committed at the time, but agreed to have fun and link openly on Facebook. After that, was the only time we had our first date. And the relationship status suddenly became more real than what it used to be. That was back sometime in September. And the rest was history.

I do have some friends on Facebook with whom I’m not yet open about my homosexuality. Classmates from high school, classmates from college, former officemates, and a cousin even. It’s not like I still claim to them to this day that I’m straight. It’s more like I never told them that I was gay because I had lost touch.

So was I afraid of what they’d think? Not really. I am gay, for heaven’s sake. My mom knows it. My dad knew it. I’m pretty sure my siblings know it. So really, it wouldn’t really matter who else found out. But even with that revelation splashed all over my Facebook profile, no one ever dared ask about it. At least, no one that I would’ve expected to wonder about it.


Single

Papi and I have really still been in the getting to know each other stage. Lately, we’ve been discovering a lot of stuff about each other. But on one fateful Monday, the discoveries took a bad turn. Without going into details, let’s just say Papi and I had a bit of a confrontation. Nothing violent, just laying all the cards on the table. We were able to be open with each other about things and I appreciated his honesty, which left me feeling sorrow instead of anger.

The first person I talked to about it was Jinjin. I thought I could tell him because he was my friend, unlike others who were friends of both Papi and I. Tearing the friends we shared apart was never an option for me. I just won’t have it. So I turned to Jinjin, who was completely supportive as I poured my heart out.

Next person I told was E, who was absolutely and positively thrilled at the news. Why was he so happy? As much I’d like to believe that he had a hidden crush on me, he doesn’t. Hahaha. It was more like he wanted me back onto the meat market so he’d have a slut buddy around for his adventures. It pisses him off that much that I’ve been such a good boy and that I’m useless when it comes to cruising and excitement. So the prospect of having me back in the dating scene left him giddy. Such a sweet friend, isn't he? Hehe.

That evening, BFF wanted to meet up, but I declined saying I needed to rest. I just wasn’t in the mood. I wasn’t ready to cry on BFF’s shoulder either, since he was of course Papi-approved. I just didn’t want him to have to take sides. Even W felt something was wrong just based on our quick chat. By the time the evening was drawing to a close, I had Nina singing I Love You, Goodbye, as I changed my Facebook status to “Single”, with tears rolling down my face. BFF may have been the first to see the development, sending me a message of sympathy late that evening.


It’s Complicated with Papi

The next day, I took the afternoon off from work. I promised to take W to RITM for his first consultation with the Doctor. Had I not promised, I would not have wanted to go to RITM. It reminded me too much of Papi. Nor would I want to see any of our common friends there and have to explain what happened. And most of all, I didn’t think I was ready for the risk of seeing Papi himself.

W and I needed to retreat to the back office while waiting for his appointment. Getting there, I greeted everyone I knew, as one of my “kids” pulled me into a smaller room saying he had a surprise. And a surprise it was. I felt the world just stop. Papi was there.

I wasn’t angry. I was indifferent, or at least I thought I was trying to be. I tried to give him a look that meant, “Don’t worry. I’ll be okay. We’ll be okay. You be okay.” But he pulled me towards him in a tight hug. I know it shouldn’t have been the case at that moment, but it still was heaven for me to see him, honestly, and I hugged back, thinking it might be the last time I could do it. But he wouldn’t let go.

I was really a bit confused at that time. Was it pity? Was it his way of making sure I didn’t make a scene? Was it me, or was he wooing me back? And was I giving in?

One thing I’m sure of is that that afternoon spent in the RITM was no different from any other. Papi and I hung out together and with all of our friends there. It was as if nothing had happened. And it was nice actually. I mean, we didn’t really have time on our own to discuss stuff, and never really settled anything definitively, but I think it was the foundation of friendship we had built that allowed us to be civil. Oh, and I got a quick smack on the lips before we parted ways. Hmm.

When I got home, I changed my relationship status on Facebook once again. It was complicated indeed, being that we hadn’t really gotten the chance to talk much. The good thing about it was that no doors were closed. And we will talk eventually. So I dared to click “It’s complicated with Papi”, subject of course to approval from his side. I was surprised to find the next day that he confirmed my status.

It felt pretty good that he still was open to be publicly associated to me, even though it was technically still under the premise of complications. It will be a lot of explaining to people who will notice our status. But let it be suffice to say that all is not over. We’ll work something out, not to worry.

It's ComplicatedSo there. That’s what’s been happening. In Facebook relationship status terms, going from “in a relationship” to “single” to “it’s complicated” in a span of 24 hours. Not all good. But not all bad either. I’m still a bit sad somehow, but happy about how things have turned out so far. Labo ba? Basta. Uhm… it’s complicated.

10 comments:

Trese said...

im not really an authority with regards to relationships.... alam mo yan friend :)

but here are my two cents on what happened...

actually, ikaw nagbigay sa akin ng advice na sasabihin ko din sa'yo...

"just enjoy the moment..."

no need to explain to anyone, pati sa amin, about the FB status...

no need... no need...

because it's your decision... yours and Papi. not ours nor anyone to make of. we can give our opinions but at the end of the day, still your decision to make...

and like what i told you before, no awkwardness in my part. im too old for picking sides... :)

labyu friendship

your adopted anak,
Trese :)

Ming Meows said...

hayyy...the perks of internet

john stanley said...

at bakit hindi ko alam 'to? hmpf, hmpf talaga!

pero dahil friend kita kahit hindi ako papi-approved, hug na lang kita! *hugs*

BLACKPOOL said...

wag mo bitawan yan!!! lolzzz basta wag ha?

Dhon said...

Who ever invented the internet.. i will love him forever.. hehehe

:) Good Luck!

onestrangeboy said...

At the risk of sounding haughtily cruel, shall I say this romantic inclination is "epic"? ;)

daned said...

eto pla un... a lot of people are saying it, hold on.. enjoy... life is too short kuya..dito lang po kami..

Anonymous said...

i predicted i would read this entry one day.

you have three choices: "single" and happy, "in a relationship" and happy, or "it's complicated" and sad.

Anonymous said...

hi there, it's me again, ANONYMOUS guy... it's been a year i think since i chatted with you... what's new with you now? so are you getting fine now and accepted the faith of us.. hahaha. i know you wont remember me. im the guy who told you it's a gift so dont get mad.

PinoyPoz said...

Oh yes, Anonymous, I remember you very well. And I've already answered every point you've made...

http://backinthecloset.blogspot.com/2008/06/gift.html

Obviously, you still aren't digesting anything you've been reading. Sad, sad, sad. Seems like you need to "accept the faith" yourself. I have one word to leave with you: DEMENTIA.