Yes, I'm gay. I probably was since the day I was born. On my 21st birthday, I sort of had my debut. I came out to my parents. A little drama from mom, and some indifference from dad. An above-average coming out. Almost perfect.

Nine years later, two weeks before my 30th birthday, I found out... I'M HIV POSITIVE.

And so my story begins... I'm BACK IN THE CLOSET.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Prospectus Interruptus

Okay, maybe I went too far with the sex thing in my last entry. I managed to leave BlackPool speechless, didn’t I? That’s extreme. But you seemed to like it so much, and the fates were in on it so much that, there just happened to be 69 visitors on that day! I swear, I was laughing my ass off!

While we’re on the subject of sex, let’s delve a bit more. You ready?

It was one issue how much sex I’ve been getting, or how little for that matter, depending on how you see things. But it’s a whole other story how HIV affects the entire prospect of having sex.

As you noticed in my previous entry, of the 20 guys I’ve managed to have sex with after finding out I was HIV positive, only one guy knew I was. One of twenty? That’s like what? A measly 5%? And that one person just happened to be HIV positive, too. So that’s such a unique case. So does letting guys know I have HIV really devastate my prospects of having sex? Or have I just been too selfish or too good at keeping my little secret?

Let’s look at the numbers. There are around 20 guys I’ve known since before my HIV thing who have heard the news straight from me. And allow me the chance to be confident enough to say that, if I wasn’t HIV positive, all these guys would still be getting their freak on with me.

Of these 20, only 7 of them have expressed interest in still having sex with me after finding out I was poz. And of these 7 pledges of sex, I only choose to believe 2 of them. The 5 others, I feel, resorted to telling this little white lie, out of pity probably, so as not to hurt an already sick guy’s feelings. Yeah, their statements were I’d still like to do it with you or We can still do it safely anyways, but heaven knows those were their last words and I haven’t heard from them since.

So where does that leave me? A success rate of 0%, which seems hardly a success, to a maximum of 10%. And I could only wish that’s because I was being choosy. And considering these are guys who have known me before, there should be this for-old-times’-sake factor at my advantage, but still, barely anything. How much smaller will my chances be with those guys who I haven’t met before if I told them?

I guess the only consolation is that I manage to do these guys good by encouraging them to get tested and to really consider safer sex from now on. Hell, some of them have sworn off sex entirely! But I’m not completely convinced that I should be flattered.

I know some of you are flabbergasted by how sex is such an important issue to me. I admit. It is. Like I said before, sex was my vice. Sex was my therapy. It was my niche. It was the one thing I finally found I was good at. And now, it just feels like it’s being taken away from me, because of something new that has become part of me.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not blaming anyone for all this. It’s just how the cards have been dealt. But I’d just like to put some sense into the reality of the fear and stigma attached to HIV. Now you know why it’s not entirely easy for me to tell just anyone that I am HIV positive.

But I’m not losing hope. Maybe when people become more properly informed about HIV, I’ll be able to definitively say that sex and HIV can indeed go hand in hand. Someday. Someway.

But for now, I’m just thankful for the little opportunities I’ve been lucky enough to get. At least I haven’t been forced to quit cold turkey, in spite of HIV.

To finish off, let me just say to these guys, It’s your loss, not mine. Hahaha. C’mon! Just give me this chance to sour grape... Please? Thanks!


Julius said...

hindi kaya ito ang dahilan kung bakit hanggang ngayon ay di pa rin natutuklasan ang gamot ng hiv/aids. bisyo ko rin kasi ang sex, infact, addict ako dito.

Mark Cabos said...

i love u poz for updating us about ur sex life after hiv, and good thing u cleared that up right away about the other hiv person not being E. more power to you poz and keep it cumming. : P