Yes, I'm gay. I probably was since the day I was born. On my 21st birthday, I sort of had my debut. I came out to my parents. A little drama from mom, and some indifference from dad. An above-average coming out. Almost perfect.

Nine years later, two weeks before my 30th birthday, I found out... I'M HIV POSITIVE.

And so my story begins... I'm BACK IN THE CLOSET.

Thursday, January 01, 2009

Happy New Year?

Since finding out I was HIV-positive, especially earlier on when I didn’t really know what prospects there were left for the rest of my life, I had put myself in a mindset of preparing myself to live a short life. Of course, that included having to prepare the people around me, especially my family, to get used to not having me around. And take note, as of today, still no one in my family knows I have HIV.

Among us 13 cousins on my mom’s side of the family, I might not be the least talented, but I’m certainly the least appreciated. Let’s just say, if there weren’t any papers that obligated them to recognize me as a blood relative, I’d probably be an orphan by now. And the HIV thing isn’t even part of the equation yet.

Even without the HIV factor, I’ve already probably been the biggest failure, or at least the least successful, that I’ve had to make up for it in other fields. I’m the most scrappy, I’m the least ordinary, I’m the most sarcastic, I’m the least gullible, I’m the most witty, I’m the least sensitive, I’m the most goofy, I’m the least uptight, I’m the most street-smart. These are things that I won’t exactly get citations for, but have learned to be proud of nonetheless. But that’s just it. I’m the only one who is proud of myself.

I know this all makes me sound so pitiful, but since finding out I was HIV-positive, I thought this might actually work to my advantage, making it easier for my family to cope without me, in case of my early demise.

So time-space-warp to today, New Year’s Day. Just like Christmas Eve and All Saint’s Day, another obligatory occurrence for a family reunion. This year was no different.

The one thing I was definitely there for was lunch. But heaps of rice, slabs of crispy pata, chunks of fish, and mountains of salad later, I was left in limbo.

The men were playing mahjong, whereas I hate gambling. The women were Skype-ing with my brother and other relatives abroad, whereas I was still actually enjoying my first brother-less New Year. The girls were trying on dresses and blouses, whereas I was keeping my opinion to my discreet self, not planning to be Fanny Serrano for them. The boys were playing some multi-player shooting game on their laptops, whereas I am still of the Pacman, Tetris and Minesweeper generation.

I envy my sister who has been able to break free from the obligation of attending such family gatherings. It’s as if she is no longer expected to show up. Which is sad for me, because she might’ve been the one I’d be hanging out with if she was there. But I’m happy for her. And I’d like to be that way too, no longer expected to be around.

But this was ridiculous. I’m still alive, and already it’s like I didn’t exist. I had nothing to do. I was stuck in nowhere land. Not here, not there, not anywhere. I felt as though I could’ve left and no one would notice. And that was really sad. I was just lying there on the couch, feeling my heart breaking with that realization.

Although I’ve learned not to fear death itself, I have to admit my greatest fear might be dying alone and having the life I’ve lived not sum up to anything. That I would not have done anything significant in this world. That I would be forgotten.

Spending the day with my family left me with both a happy reassurance and a sad realization: They’ll be okay without me.

Happy New Year?

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

huhuhuh!!! you let me cry... ako, mamatay ang buong pamilya kung mawawala ako, bread winner for the last 4 years and still counting. i asked them kung hanggang kelan, and they answered kapag nag-asawa na daw ako. whaaaattttttttt!!!

mamatay ka na lang siguro bitch, pero ako, pasan pa rin ang responsibilidad na di naman talaga sa akin...

dubai, uae

jericho said...

awww. hope the year still turns out well for you. ;)

ruby said...

you made me sad. =(
We, your friends, won't be okay without you, ya'know.

AND.

Please don't think muna of dying, ha.

Take care.

BLACKPOOL said...

ano ka ba bitch? di mangyayari sa yo yan promise. naku dont think of that and let me remind you of 2 things this 2009:

1. dont get depressed youll be ok
2. worry is an insult to god....

dito lang ako ano ka ba. there will always be a proper time and sino ba nagsabi sa yo mamatay ka na? hihihi

PinoyPoz said...

Ayun, o, sabi ni anonymous "mamatay ka na lang siguro bitch..." Huhuhuhu...

I dunno, it's just the season, I guess, that pulled me off the positivism wagon a bit. Hopefully, I'll snap out of this negativity soon enough. Or else, slap me.

Thanks guys... and gal. :-) Your support has been invaluable. Siiiige na ngaaaa! I won't die muna! Hehehe.

john stanley said...

"Siiiige na ngaaaa! I won't die muna!"

dapat lang!

else, i would be really sad.

PinoyPoz said...

wala na, speechless na ako...

(",)

argh, you're making me cry!

Anonymous said...

hello bitch,
if it is any consolation, you are not alone in those feelings. hundreds and thousands of ofw feel the same way, poz or not. lalo na ngayong holidays.
but you know what? the world continues, regardless. we'll go to sleep tonight and wake up tomorrow. TO FIGHT ANOTHER DAY.
be strong
be well,
cook

PinoyPoz said...

Cook? Huhuhu, I don't cook! Is that another flaw of mine?!

Ahh, ohh, it's FROM Cook... okay, okay... :-) Thanks Cook.

lucidmoments said...

it's sad that sometimes we are deprived of love and attention by our very own family, but that doesn't mean that we are the least of all the least to feel we are almost non-existent. i may not know you personally, but i understand your sentiments. i may not know how it really feels, but i am capable of feeling for you too. and there are people who cares for you, people who will miss you, and people whose lives you've touched, and you mean so much to them.

if only i could give you a hug right at this very moment, i would.

wag ka na sad ha? there are people like me who cares about you... hindi mo lang alam. :)