Yes, I'm gay. I probably was since the day I was born. On my 21st birthday, I sort of had my debut. I came out to my parents. A little drama from mom, and some indifference from dad. An above-average coming out. Almost perfect.

Nine years later, two weeks before my 30th birthday, I found out... I'M HIV POSITIVE.

And so my story begins... I'm BACK IN THE CLOSET.

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

Temptation

devilIn the straight crowd, they say there is such a thing as the seven-year itch, which I think means that seven years into a marriage or relationship, reevaluation of the partnership happens, and infidelity tends to step in. Okay, fine. So maybe I’m not straight enough for this to even remotely apply. But honestly, I am feeling an itch. And it’s been just six months into my relationship. So it’s a six-month itch… not even close to seven years. But already, the itch is creeping in. Heavens help me.

Ex-boyfriends of years ago have been making their presence felt again. Not really wanting to try again, but just for old times sex sake. Even the one ex with whom my breakup was far from civil has been haunting me. As in he lied to me, cheated on me, owes me money, and made up stories, to the point that I’m tempted to infect him with my HIV and some STDs just to get back at him… But then, to give him the pleasure of my sex would just be too much in his favor, so I haven’t acted upon his advances.

Some former fuck buddies are back. These are guys with whom my trysts can still stir an erection in me even after all these years, so completely forgetting these hot guys and the hot sex is completely alien to me. I’m not sure if it’s a gift or a curse that I am able to keep fuck buddies of years and more years ago. I guess I try not to be a wham-bang-thank-you-man kind of guy, and can actually build a friendship on the foundation of great sex. And great sex it was indeed.

Pozzie friends should be expected. I’ve had more than my fair share of positively romantic proposals. And if I ever did give in, it would be more than just because we were both HIV positive. These guys are smoking hot and oh so my type! Some pozzie friends, have even been crossing from the Yoga for Life line. I’m beginning to question my principle of not shagging in my own backyard.

Speaking of backyards, I even have a neighbor in my list. As in the guy lives about a block away, in a house that I walk past every single day. Hey, it’s not my fault that he followed me home a couple of times and mustered up the courage to talk to me the next chance he got. But man, a block away? Who are the people in your neighborhood? I now know one of mine. How much more convenient can it get?

Strangers, of course. Buses, the MRT, the mall… good thing I’m not even really into bathhouses, gay bars and other more rampantly sleazy places. And then the internet. Oi. Fine, my fault for still having my accounts on personals sites up. But even without those, even Facebook is becoming a potential cruising place for me. Argh.

Unfortunately, fidelity has never been one of my strong points. I mean I have managed to be completely faithful to some guys I was with… okay, fine… I think I’ve done it twice out of seven. But those two periods I was able to do it, I did under my own power and choice. But, mind you, it was never easy.

I’m not blaming any of these male stimuli for being hot. It’s my fault for giving in to seduction. And until now, I have never regretted having sex with anyone. It was my choice every single time.

It’s just me. I love sex. I absolutely love sex. I love giving pleasure. It fulfills me. I gain pleasure from giving pleasure. And to a point, I let it define my role in life. Who doesn’t want to be of service to others? Some do it through charity. I just happen to do it through sex among other things.

So I really hope the boyfriend knows what he got himself into choosing me as a partner. I mean, yes, he does know every mince of past that I have. He knows I’m HIV positive. He knows I’m a slut. He knows I have the sexual charge of five grown men. He knows I have kinks others can only imagine. He knows it all. But the one thing that makes the story different is that he chose to accept it all. Darn.

So I’m trying. I’m trying extremely hard. It’s not frickin’ easy. At all. And the boyfriend hinting he’d be open to letting other guys into our relationship is not helping my noble cause. Argh.

We all know I’m no angel. So just wish me luck on my huge endeavor. May I make it through my six-month itch. And the seven… And the eight… And… And as Eva Eugenio once sang, O tukso, layuan mo ako.

11 comments:

the geek said...

this post is honest. this is pure. this is rare.

Nishiboy said...

I was looking for the word "love" in that paragraph about your boyfriend, but i only read "choose". i'm not judging you or anything. i just found it interesting. i guess that's really how grown-ups deal with relationships.

Michael Offutt said...

Sex comes too easy for some people I guess. You obviously have no appreciation for it the same as a child has no appreciation for one type of jelly bean in a bag of them when you can have the whole bag. Do what you want, but all this entry says to me is that you're a kid in a candy store with no self control. And just like a kid that eats too much sugar and gets fat, if you end up lonely you really shouldn't cry about it because you couldn't keep your dick in your pants to be true to someone that loved you because the prospect of being otherwise was just oh so exciting.

eric said...

how do you do it? hmmm, i`m envious , hayyy life, how come i cannot and dont have any hook ups? i have to pay guys ( massage parlors, real guys from pimps )


seriously , any tips you can share??? how come I dont have any friends with benefit???


eric

PinoyPoz said...

All comments noted and opinions respected guys. Thanks for being frank. :-)

eric said...

to Michael offutt- masyado ka namang serious and you really took it your heart. hello ???? you should know that 95% of all gays are promiscuous, once they see a hottie, love na nila kuno then after having sex eh iba na ang type nila, kahit naman those with partners have sex with other guys, siguro the remaining 5% , are monogamosu , meaning just the same partner forever pero sa totoo lang that`s good in theory but i doubt if that happens

read the blogs of other poz/ gay blogs like tristan tales , kahit nga sa manila gay guy si migs, in love kuno, pero after sex nawala na anglove, in short lahat yan libog lang

pero masyado ka namang overrrr, lahat ng beki basta nakakita ng hunk/ pogi eh tigas titi na at nag aambisyon na mahada , pag nahada na , then good bye

oh dont deny ha, trulili yan

Ming Meows said...

@eric come with me....hehehe

Yj said...

ikaw na ang Rosa Rosal pagdating sa sex ahihihihi

sabi nga ng adcampaign ng Bench for this summer...

RETURN TO TEMPTATION

bibigay ka ba?

eric said...

@ ming meows- cge sama ako sa iyo , pwde??? serious ako ha? bwahahahaha

Nishiboy said...

@eric: amerikano ata yang si michael.

and i'm intrigued by your view on relationships.

so you're okay with cheating?

and you don't believe in monogamous relationships?

and you don't believe in love?

Anonymous said...

Temptations are always there...and yes we are a sexual being and its a matter of making responsible choices...and i think we are matured enough to know what is right and wrong, that is why we have the word conscience...straight up your thoughts if not you end up with no one..be true to someone you love as michael said and hopefully he'll be the last one =)