Back In The Closet: needy

The Needy Pusit For what’s been almost a year of knowing that I’m HIV positive, I’ve managed to convince myself that I still am capable of living a productive life. And though most of the other pozzies that I know continue living productively as well, I can’t deny the glaring few who I’ve met or heard of that just seem like they’re wallowing in Needy-Ville. Thus, I tend to reassess and question myself. Should I be needier because I’m HIV-positive?

Of the first few pusits I'd encountered, a couple of them did mention about the option of applying for disability from the Social Security System, should the need arise. I was honestly a bit distressed at the suggestion, wondering if that was inevitably where all HIV-positive people would end up – needing to file for disability. In retrospect, I just don’t think it’s one of the first things someone would want to hear upon finding out he is HIV-positive. It will just tend to paint such a grim picture of things to come – a grim picture that just isn’t necessarily the case.

And then there’s the so-called HIV support group that organizes videoke sessions, supposedly to give HIV-positives opportunities to bond. As is, it seems noble. But hearing that they give each person PhP 200.00 or 300.00 as transportation allowance, I just thought it was outrageous. That would be enough to get me to and from Pampanga. And considering that most would just be coming from around the metro, PhP 200.00 or 300.00 just sounded extreme – and a tad belittling. Not to mention a waste of their funds – money provided by external funding – that could be used for more worthy and productive causes than just videoke sessions. Am I wrong?

Okay, fine, maybe there are some HIV-positives that do need the money. But I was particularly pissed off to hear that the reason why Baby Nathan’s mom was never there every time I visited them at the RITM was because she needed to attend the videoke sessions – just so they didn’t miss out on the chance to get the allowance. Hmm. If you really wanted to help this family, maybe you should’ve just given them the money, right? Or maybe you could’ve been the ones to go visit them at the RITM, rather than have her leave her child and her husband for videoke sessions with you? Just a suggestion.

And then there was the time that I was trying to get Baby Nathan’s parents jobs. It would’ve been perfect because they could both be working in the metro, convenient for check-ups and med refills at the RITM, and instantly turning them into a double income family capable of supporting themselves. But then someone from the so-called HIV support groups advised them to apply for support from social welfare instead, which required them to go back to the province. Sure, I tried my best to help them while they waited for approval of the livelihood support. Apparently, whoever advised them to apply for it failed to take into account the fact that it could take more than a month for the support to get approval, leaving them void of any income to support their daily needs.

And even when the support from social welfare came through, I was a bit surprised that they were still asking for help from me. Apparently, they didn’t want to take from the livelihood fund to support their daily needs, as this might disappoint whoever advised them to apply for the support. Disappoint who? Why was this person still part of the equation? Wasn’t this money meant to provide them livelihood precisely in order to support their daily needs? Hmm.

I’ll admit that I did need to step back from helping them out, because the ultimate goal would be for them to become self-supporting. I just figured the best way to help them is to get them to help themselves. I just pray constantly that they’re doing okay.

And then it was during one of my kwentuhans with my psychology students that one of them mentioned how thinking about their interview with the so-called HIV support group made her weak. I wondered why. Apparently, they were being charged – yes, charged – PhP 500.00 for each pusit from the HIV-support group who participated in the interview. Wow, for just a couple of hours talking, that’s higher that what minimum wage earners make in a day.

Honestly, I was shocked. It made me weak, too. I felt ashamed. I felt embarrassed. These were students, for heaven’s sake. Was it really necessary to charge them for an interview? Isn’t the funding you’re getting enough? Should we not be thankful that these students are coming forward, eager to listen to our story? Isn’t awareness part of your advocacy? I just thought you could’ve taken this on as part of your advocacy.

So far, it seems most of this encouraged neediness is coming from one of the so-called HIV support groups. It makes me wonder if this was the reason why they were irked by some of us poz bloggers who were telling our not-so-tragic story. Hmm. And with their observation, that it is we – the allegedly less indigent – who have not been signing up and actively participating in their so-called HIV support group, could it be they themselves who are fostering the self-impression of being needy and underprivileged? Hmm.

So to answer my question, no, I need not be needy just because I am HIV-positive. Granted, I appreciate the medical support that I am getting, but I would like to think I’m giving back by continuing to be productive, and not being a burden on society. I refuse to be a kawawang pusit.