I’m back from a weekend spent very quietly at home. After my lab results came out last week, and before my CD4 count at the end of the month, I’m left with a good two and a half weeks with nothing much to worry about. My mom went with some other relatives on an out of town trip. I was a bit torn between going and staying home, bugged mostly with dramatic thoughts that this might be my last chance to go on a trip with the family. But I got over that soon enough and elected to stay home and spend time alone. Solitude kept me company.
I genuinely love being alone. I wasn’t moping or sulking. I just enjoy being myself, by myself, doing what I want to do. I was up to my usual things. I mean, other than having sex left and right, it was just like before. I went to the market to buy vegetables. I got online to check e-mail and surf the web. I napped a bit. I finished some work on the computer. I did some chores at home. I did some home improvement as well. I got myself a haircut. When I got horny, I served myself... if you know what I mean. Really just regular stuff. I worked up a sweat, got tired, got hungry, got refreshed... basically got myself going.
It was reassuring to realize I could still do everything like before. It was validating to know that I wasn’t demoted to being just someone who was sick.
I now know I’m still the same me that I was before this chapter of my life. I am not HIV. I am me.
Monday, May 12, 2008
I Am Still Me
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Post-Thursday Thoughts
I'm physically tired by this time. I've had a very long day. But my mind keeps racing. I just have to get this out lest it keep me up all night.
Looking back at the day that just passed, I realize what a relief it was. Not just because of the lab results I got, but because it was great to see I'm not alone. Being in HIV ward was relieving. I'd never met anyone living with HIV before I stepped into San Lazaro. I'd only seen them on the web, and in tv documentaries. I never imagined I'd be one. But spending a short time in the waiting room of HIV ward was... eye-opening. There are others like me. All kinds, all shapes, all sizes. From twinks to hunks, you name it, you got it. I prefer the hunks though...
Wait... was I cruising?! Geesh! I was!
Okay, okay, so I suddenly snapped out of my trance and decided to become cruisy. How couldn't I? I have HIV, and based on my shallow philosophy that someone with HIV can't catch HIV any further, it should be logical for me to gravitate towards fellow HIVers, right? And to be in a room of pozzies, ahhh heaven.
Okay, okay, I'll stop now. Mojo would not approve.
My point should be that looking at the variety of people there, men and women, young and not so young, twink and hunk, they all looked... normal. Other than a few who had visible skin discolorations or rashes of some sort, you could never tell they had it if I threw them in a room of people. Good for the paranoid like me. Bad for those who use protection based on whether their partner looks like he has it or not.
Anyways, I jut thought I'd share this breakthrough of a moment before I went off to lala-land, when, just for a few minutes, I realized that... I'm not so different after all.
The Thursday
Walking towards the HIV ward, I didn’t know what to expect. How big a crowd would I be in there? Trust me, I’m no good in crowds. I was just relieved that I didn’t see a line formed a block away from the door.
Walking up the steps, I passed some seats where people were waiting. There were about 5 or 6 of them there, but they were all a blur to me. I was trying not to make eye contact. Paranoia, I’m guessing.
I approached the nurse up front, and said the doctor asked me to drop by. The nurse asked if I was there for a checkup. I answered that I didn’t think so. She said that she’d list me down if I was there for a check-up. I just know that the doctor was expecting me back today to give her the results of my lab tests. It didn’t seem like a real checkup for me. At least, not the checkup that I was familiar with. She said the doctor wasn’t there yet, and asked me to sit in the waiting area.
So I sat. There were three others there, a woman with a younger guy on my right, and a guy across me. I saw the woman was wearing a face mask, and realized despite this, I couldn’t tell which one was the patient. I noticed the guy across me trying to work in a smile while looking my way. Was he flirting? Or was he just being friendly? Was he new here too? Or was he laughing at me for being the latest victim? Paranoia again. Turns out he was poz too. I realized that when he was called into the doctor’s office.
One after the other, they rest of the people there, less than 20 of them, got called in for their checkup. They would spend just between 5 and 10 minutes each inside. Not bad. Routine monitoring, I guessed.
Then one older guy approached me. He introduced himself. Let’s call him Y. He didn’t seem like he was there for a checkup. Sort of supervising… and mingling. He seemed to know everyone, and asked what I was there for, and asked me to have myself put on the list out front. He said it was standard procedure, despite my trying to explain that I didn’t think I was there for a checkup technically. But he came across a bit territorial to be honest, so I just followed his advice.
The nurse took down all my information – patient code, code name, weight, temperature, blood pressure – after which Y led me back to the waiting area. He was a bit more relaxed now, and started a conversation. Apparently, he’s been poz for a while now, but definitely in the peak of health, and was there to oversee the procedures. Sort of assistants to the doctors. For public relations and other concerns if I understood right. He was having such a difficult time asking me if I was a confirmed poz, which I found funny. So I just blurted out, “Yes, I’m HIV positive”. I think I relieved him of his burden. He explained most of the going-ons there that moment, and introduced some of the personalities there. My nerves eased up at this point and he got me talking a bit about myself.
In the midst of our conversation, the doctor walked in. Seeing me, she smiled and signaled to wait a bit, probably to give her time to settle down. The next time she stuck her head out from the door of the doctors’ office, she asked what my patient code was. A few more minutes later she called me in. So I was right, I didn’t have to line up with the others in the “checkup” queue. Whew.
Sitting down in front of her desk, I handed her my lab results, as she ranted about why she was late that day. She took a look, and said I was ok. Say what? She repeated that my lab work says I’m doing good, and just reminded me that I was scheduled for my CD4 test on the 29th. I wasn't even in there for five minutes. But anyways, another whew from me. I was just happy that I was ok.
So from there, she sent me off, and I left some final words with Y who I passed. He took my number and gave me his, as he said he’d like to invite me to join their group sometime. Something called Pinoy Plus. I’ll tell you more about that when I find more out.
So I left, a bit triumphant. I just had to spread the good news, so I dropped by Dr. Malou Tan at the Social Hygeine Clinic across the street. She was happy, and I was happy. Nurse Luz and Dr. Diana were there as well, and they were happy to see me, too. Dr. Malou is great. I feel she truly cares. She’s like a mom to me now. Maybe she can be my HIV mom.
So anyways, it was 10:30 am, and I had accomplished a lot. I started my journey to work. Back to my regular life. Or my former regular life. The parallel world I live in, where Thursdays are just like any ordinary day.
The Somewhat Big Day
In the tradition of the Lifestyle Network's Clean House, it's reveal day for me. I took the morning off from work again to get my lab results and bring them to the doctor at the HIV ward of San Lazaro Hospital.
I first went to the Manila Health Department to get the results of my CBC, FBS, BUN & CREA. I usually play know-it-all when it comes to numbers like these, so I evaluated my results. FBS, BUN & CREA levels were within normal ranges. How do I know? Well, they were printed alongside my results. Hehehe.
My CBC results weren't as ideal. Hemoglobin and Erythrocytes were good, but Leucocytes were mostly out of normal ranges. I got a bit worried, but decided to hear straight from the doctor what was wrong with me. I next went to a private clinic nearby and got the results for my SGPT, SGOT and ALP. All good. I was a bit relieved to be honest, that most of my results were within normal range.
I had my chest x-ray result with me as well, from a previous checkup about three weeks ago. Just a routine checkup that time required for the Sanitary Permit of the company I work for. This was pre- my HIV.
Walking to the HIV ward, I was a bit nervous. I'd been told that every Thursday was a busy day for this ward, as this was check-up day for those in the HIV registry. This was to be my first Thursday here. And Thursdays will never just be Thursdays again.
Absolutely Speechless
I just logged on and was about to write my piece for today. Decided to take time to moderate comments on the blog. And I say this to all who've visited and taken time to read and even comment... thank you, thank you, thank you.
I checked out one particular comment today, from baklang aj. Was surprised to find out he was behind baklaako.com. As a bakla or gay myself, I've browsed his site before.
His blog for today was Bakla’s Top 10 Emerging Influential Blogs of 2008... I don't exactly know why, but I hit click to read more... I was SOOOOOOOO surprised to see my humble blog in his list! I was shocked, honored, flattered, amazed, wowed, and more! Honestly it took me a while to figure out what to write... I was absolutely speechless... in a written way I guess.
I never had such recognition in mind when I started this blog. This is just part therapy, part release and part creative-outlet for me, and hopefully, part information, part entertainment and part realize-how-much-better-your-life-is for you. It was just my way of moving forward, so to read how much readers take from what I write is incredible. It's empowering, but as some superhero said, with power comes responsibility. To be granted this honor and be called influential is amazing.
Nuff said. I forgot I was supposed to be absolutely speechless.
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Pos or Not?
HIV is a serious matter. But interestingly, I stumbled onto an online game involving HIV... Found on http://www.posornot.com/, Pos or Not is a game where pictures and short profiles of people living with HIV have been thrown into a mix with those of people who are HIV negative, and you're tasked to guess whether that person is HIV positive or not.
Simple enough? You'd think so. It's really a simple way of teaching people that you can't tell who has HIV and who does not just by looking at them. Hopefully, this will help people like me living with HIV realize that there's nothing to be ashamed of, as we are not much different from everyone else. At the same time it should help others understand that there is no reason to discriminate against those living with HIV.
Personally, the stigma that surrounds HIV seems to be a huge battle for those of us who live with it. Stigma becomes a barrier to so many things, such as being comfortable in your own skin, getting tested in the first place, disclosing one's status, accessing healthcare services, and just living a normal life.
You've heard me before rant about the paranoia I experienced just getting my lab test done, and this wasn't even a test connected to HIV. It was for my driver's license for crying out loud.
It just came out before the onset of May, so it's really new. So give this game a try and show me how good you are. Maybe someday I'll have my picture on it as well...
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Happy Birthday???
So anyways, here were the tests done:
Before anything else, Happy Birthday to me!
It’s 9:30 am, and I feel like I’m done for the day. I’ve been busy since midnight. Busy doing what? Fasting. I was asleep, but I wasn’t sleeping. I was resting my body in order to avoid feeling the hunger. And why was I fasting? In preparation for the blood test that were scheduled for me today.
I was out of the house by 6:30 am, in order to reach the Manila Health Department just in time for its opening. I got there early as usual, and sat in the waiting area. Already I was number 15 in the line, all the rest of the people there were women, mostly the older set. What I hate about women, is that they’re chatty, to the point of being nosey. One lady sat beside me just couldn’t help herself and had to ask what I was in there for. Awkward! I just said I was having lab work done and being worked up for an operation on my colon. Geesh. I hope she bought it.
What exactly was I there for? I was there because I needed data. I was there because I’m getting to the point of paranoia, where I worry that every cough, every sneeze, every sore, every rash, every time I felt tired was some sort of bad sign of my HIV condition. All that thinking is stressful, and I just needed to know exactly what was what.
I’m hoping my sharing with you provides you awareness, which could relieve the mysteries behind this condition. Replace the fear, with understanding.
I’m done… almost. Also performed were the following:
Wasn’t that a mouthful? And take note that these are ALL blood tests. So could you imagine how much blood was extracted from me for all these tests? Even I couldn’t. Especially when the doctor who extracted blood from me looked at my list of tests and let out a horrific cackle, saying “Wow, this’ll be a lot of blood!” That just did not help. This doctor needs tact classes. Let me give you a hint. They took blood from both my arms. Hell for a needlephobic like me. But I took it.
So there, that’s one unforgettable birthday for me. My results should be out by tomorrow, but I don’t think I’ll be able to make it out. I need to work. I’ll try to get them Thursday, and bring them to the doctor at the HIV ward of San Lazaro.
I wonder what next year’s birthday will be like for me… hmmm...
