Yes, I'm gay. I probably was since the day I was born. On my 21st birthday, I sort of had my debut. I came out to my parents. A little drama from mom, and some indifference from dad. An above-average coming out. Almost perfect.

Nine years later, two weeks before my 30th birthday, I found out... I'M HIV POSITIVE.

And so my story begins... I'm BACK IN THE CLOSET.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Simply Complicated: Surprises

Am I ready to deal with all the competition?

Again, the too-cute category instantly invokes a fight or flee mode. And honestly, I would usually flee. I’m not a competitor. I was never raised to be. Inferiority complex, that’s me. But this time was different. I found myself with an unusual conviction. Go ahead... someday you’ll see we belong together. Wow. My confidence amazed even myself.

So I was sticking around for that “someday”.

And in sticking around, we were spending more and more time together.

Having met there, definitely, yoga was a staple. As he became a regular, so did we become... uhm... regular. On Wednesdays, we’d see each other there, him from school, me from work, and head home together. And on Saturdays, we’d meet around our place and go together, and after head home together.

But in all that, I made sure we weren’t a package deal. We should go for the benefits of yoga, remember? So on more than a handful of times, either he’d be there and I’d be stuck at work, or I’d be there and he’d be busy with school. No big deal. And even when we’re both there, we’d usually be in different parts of the room, only catching up when it was time to leave.

And aside from yoga, at times, I’d take leaves from work, to give myself a break and to accompany him on errands. I dunno, I felt like I needed – no, not “needed” – I wanted to take of him. But even if I wasn’t completely helpful on his errands, he appreciated me being there, and we both always had fun spending whole days together. A very good sign.

When our birthdays came, mine a day ahead, I wanted to spend it with him. Dinner would do. It was a Friday, so I suggested we meet at the mall. I’d be coming from work, and him, school. As I got there, he was on his way. Next text, he said he was there, but with a classmate he needed to shake off. It turned out to be a harder shake that expected.

I ended up waiting a couple of hours, and found myself alone, no dinner, no date, no nothing. I admit, I was a bit disappointed. It was my birthday! I had dodged other invites so I could be with him! Geesh! Instead I was home, lying in bed with my dog, munching on some cookies for dinner. Very spinster.

Ah well, no grudges. No big deal. By the next day, we were together on the MRT, on the way to yoga kissing and holding hands. No blaming, no apologies… he told me about his night out with his friends, and I was happy he had fun. Sincerely. So at yoga, we got offered a lot of sun salutations that day, a number equal to the average of our ages, actually. And after, we were able to have our birthday dinner finally, with Yogi Bear and BFF.

He fell asleep with his head on my shoulder on the long bus ride home from Makati. We took a cab from the bus stop, and I dropped him off at his place. But before he alighted, I reached into my bag to pull out a gift I got for him. Surprise! He thanked me intensely, as we greeted each other happy birthdays, and he gave me a kiss. I hoped he’d like the gift.

It was tough thinking of what to give him. But this was something I knew he needed. So I got it, and made sure he’d see a message as he opened it. I fell in love with you. Happy Birthday. The L word. I used the L word. It may have been the first time I used the L word towards him, but I had been feeling it for quite a while already.

Cheesy, I know. But it was the truth. I wasn’t saying it so he’d love me back. I was saying it because it was matter-of-fact. No more, no less.

I was thinking, even if he didn’t like the gift, I hope he appreciated the feelings that I sent with it. Napaiyak mo ako sa saya! Maraming salamat! Mwah mwah mwah! With that, I believe he was happy. And so I was happy too.

We saw each other again the following Wednesday at yoga. I ended up carrying a package of his through a dinner meeting and on the trip home. As I handed it to him as we were about to separate, he throws me the most beautiful smile and says Surprise! What the?! Apparently, what I thought the whole time was his school project was his gift for me! Grrr, I hate surprises, remember? Hehe.

As I got home, I opened up the gift, and it was something I could definitely use, and even better, something that would surely remind me of him. I spied a little card at the bottom of the package. Thank you for being there when I needed you. =) Love you too! Happy Birthday! The L word? From him?! And, hard as it is to admit, I broke down. Argh, I still get teary-eyed every time I read it till now.

So was this it? Were we officially a couple?


Bruce Kho said...

i demand that you categorize the 'l' word. i demand that you ask for the 'couple' label. i demand that you set expectations.

you done with your story? lol. i hope not. ;)

joelmcvie said...

Best if you ask him outright, instead of assuming. Kasi puwedeng "I love you as a friend" yung ibig sabihin niya eh. Naku, andaming beses ko nang naranasan yan, so better make sure na lang. =)

PinoyPoz said...

@Bruce: I demand you not be atat. LOL

@McVie: Semi-atat ka lang. Hehe.


Anonymous said...

Who ever said good guys finish last?!


joelmcvie said...

Well, I just said "it's best" but I didn't say when, hahaha! When you're ready to ask him is the best time.

(Eh kasi naman ang ending mo ay ang mga tanong na, "So was this it? Were we officially a couple?" so sinagot lang namin yung tanong mo. Although unlike Bruce, I'm not demanding, hahaha.)

I AM HIV said...

awww.... found myself reading everything... hope you (both singular and plural form of the word) will be happy...

PinoyPoz said...

@Anonymous: I have no problem finishing last... because last means forever. PAAAAAAK! Pati ako nacheesy sa sarili ko LOL...

@McVie: May point ka. One point! :)

@I Am HIV: First of all, thanks. Second, you are NOT HIV. :)

Anonymous said...

ppsssttt.... kinikilig ako sa kwento mo ah... I didn't know this is all happening... though I asked you before kung kayo na. :P

now, alam na! hahaha


Anonymous said...

@last means forever - pak na pak! ikaw na! the best ka! :p

PinoyPoz said...

@JunJun: HENDE! Hende pa alam! Di pa tapos story ko eh!!!

@Anonymous: Ahihihihihi!


Awww. The L word. So happy. :)

InfinityStrip said...

And I thought I was only missing yoga classes these past two months :)